Her birthday is this Monday.. I'm imploding

[Hlinthewiking]

I thought I was doing well last few days... My libido was up and I'm taking better care of myself.

Yesterday night I started to think about her and I saw a couple movie theater tickets I had saved from movies we saw last year, I slept poorly and I woke up startled and disoriented, I think I dreamed about her and I woke up imagining that we were having sex, it was so weird, I could almost feel it, like we were actually doing it, it was so real, but it was just a glimpse and then I opened my eyes and I didn't know where I was, I jumped off the bed in panic and took me close to an hour to start making sense and fully wake up.

I started to wonder about her birthday lately, I knew it was close, I didn't remember the exact date and I felt so terrible because I would never forget about these things, but at the same time I was afraid to check on her Facebook and accidentally see more then I wanted to see, so I asked a friend to check for me today and it's this Monday.

I'm terrified, I haven't had much luck dating lately, it feels like I'm attracted to the wrong people and I'm starting to obsess about her, it's a daily struggle not to break NC, it's been 10 weeks since we broke up, it feels much longer, I was actually going to say 4 months before I looked at the dates.

It's not the first time I come here for help, I feel bad for doing it because it seems repetitive and I'm not even sure what to ask or how I can be helped... .My life feels so meaningless and empty without her, it's like I stopped living and started a survival quest.

[CitizenBell]

My exes is in Sunday and mine is on Wednesday and it kills me because I know she'll be out with her new friends and boyfriend having fun while I'll just not be doing anything.

Last year our birthdays together were amazing. We'd been together two weeks. Passionate night in a hotel, the presents she got me a photo album that we were going to fill up with memories, a scratch map to scratch off all the countries we'd visit, matching spoon necklaces because I was her 'big spoon', wrote this wonderful heart-felt card.

I miss her a lot.

[Herodias]

I understand where you are both coming from... .I worried about my exes birthday the first time after the split and made sure I told him happy birthday. It didn't matter... .this last year I thought about it, but was glad I didn't have the pressure of buying an expensive, perfect present that he made a big deal over... .try and think of other things. Maybe take yourself out and do something fun you want to do. Celebrate being away from them on their day... .I haven't dated, kissed or hugged someone else in a year... .I would rather not remember the good times, just the bad. It's better for me. His Mother only wants to think of the good. We all have our ways of dealing with it. Believe me, they won't  be thinking about you on their birthdays... .I know that doesn't feel good, but don't give them that kind of power over you... .go do something good for yourself instead!

[CitizenBell]

Last year she told me the present I'd gotten her had been the most thoughtful gift anybody had ever given her and that I knew how to buy for her better than her parents did.

This year I'm accused of harassment at work by her.

It's like our roles have reversed. When I met her she had nobody, except her boyfriend who "didn't care" about her. This year she has made friends in the office by being her bubbly, quirky side whereas with me she was just needy, clingy and getting upset over everything.

[Larmoyant]

Hi CitizenBell, it must be painful remembering last year compared to now. I shared two birthdays with my ex, but both were ruined by BPD chaos. Are you tempted to send her birthday greetings? Also, why and how has she accused you of harassing her at work?

[CitizenBell]

No I'm staying well away. She called victim support.

I got diagnosed with an AVM that got quite bad over the summer. I sent her a letter as a way of saying bye in case something happened and some texts asking I we could meet up before my surgery because she'd been important to me and I felt like I needed to talk about things in case something happened and there were things left unsaid.

She accused me of harassment but also said I was lurking in stairwells and corridors for her which wasn't true in the slightest though I'm sure I'm her mind she thought I was. We work in the same place so we are bound to bump into each other.

It didn't go formal, management were shocked we did it, everyone who knows me was shocked she did it.

[Larmoyant]

CitizenBell, I’m sorry that happened to you and it’s a good thing you’re staying away. I wonder what purpose it served for her to portray you this way? Some of the things they do still confuse me.

Hlinthewiking, I can relate to surviving instead of living and I'm sorry you're hurting. I meant to ask you too. Are you thinking of sending her birthday greetings? My ex’s birthday is coming up fairly soon, a day before mine, and I’ll admit to thinking about sending him greetings only I don’t think it will be a good thing.

[Dutched]

Hlinthewiking

How stupid it might sound, there is nothing wrong with struggling and feeling sad with these special days.
In fact it is a very healthy way processing your emotional pain.
Try however to keep busy on this day and when thoughts occur, let them just cross your mind, but then ‘just’ carry on with what you are doing.

And asking for help is having courage my friend!

But please use that same courage for keeping silence that day. 

[Dutched]

Larmoyant

Thinking is OK…  sending greetings I don’t think so.
As you said yourself, it won’t be a good thing.
Special after what you went trough and the reactions you got…

About a 11 months after exw broke up, it was my birthday and my house was full of guests.
All these months exw avoided me like the plague, even concerning matters relating my son (‘mom’ didn’t even showed up at his graduation…) 
The phone rang and the display showed that is was exw… 
That after all these months and just being served with her divorce papers…?
So I asked son to pick it up, me attending the guest.
His mom asked for me! 
Refused it and mom couldn't hide her curiosity, so asked who was at my house.
Even asked son to give her regards to people exw dumped too when she broke up…
As son said, his mom started crying for being not there after so many yrs…
Later son told me that his mom had a few terrible days, even had a migraine attack the day after.

There was no one to sooth, so the rollercoaster couldn’t act out and turned inside.

Why am I telling you this?
As a kind of protection.
There is no constant factor in the mind of pwDBP and you will be the one who got blamed anyway, by sending greetings or not.

[Hlinthewiking]

Thank you for the support.

Today I woke up so drained, I need to concentrate to keep my eyes open. I still have no idea what to do.

Yes, I was thinking of talking to her on her birthday, it was hard enough to keep NC on regular days, on her birthday I feel like not talking to her would make me feel so horrible, she still means so much to me, even if we aren't together, I think not talking to her this day would be ignoring my feelings instead of letting them out.

Countdown is still up, I'm already scared of how I'll be like tomorrow close to midnight.

I'm considering on breaking NC and sending her a message, I know this would be bad, really bad, but I'm afraid not talking to her would be worse. Realizing that it's been less then three months since we broke up has really changed my thinking, part of me wants her back and the other part reminds me I wouldn't be able to endure the abuse... .

 But what if it was different this time? What if I can guard myself better and divert her blame that was aimed towards me into something else? Even I think I'm going crazy, I just really wanted to be able to do something, I'm sure she loved me too and I love her more then anything, it's so frustrating and absurd that two people that love each other so much can't be together.

Last time we broke up I felt better after talking to her, then when I saw her I lost it and simply gave in to her mercy, I gave her way too much power and she doesn't have the responsibility to handle it.

[once removed]

what are you concerned will happen if you send the message? what is the goal?

[Hlinthewiking]

That's a great question. I kept thinking about it for the entire day, I barely slept today.

I have no idea how to give a good short answer for this, several scenarios come to mind.

To keep it short and not to describe all branches, I guess these are some that come to mind:

She either is surprised I even remember her, she used to have crazy ideas sometimes that I didn't care about her no matter what I did for her, talks to me normally and either talks like we can come back or gets scared at first then comes to talk to me in a few days or weeks.

She moved on and/or doesn't care about me, I'm painted black and if she decides to hurt me or tell about a replacement, she will utterly destroy me, I don't know how I would survive that honestly.

Even if she would talk to me normally or simple without hostility, the amount of emotion I would feel for seeing her again would make me ill, my heart would cave out of my chest and it would be hard to care about much else other then her.

It's hard to think about a win scenario in this, I don't know what I want, I want to get back together, but another part doesn't, because that would be so dangerous.

I guess I just wanted to express my feelings and wish her happy birthday... .I guess the best answer would be a short reply of hers followed by NC, but even then... .Jesus, I didn't realize how lost I was.

She loves beards and she always asked me to let mine grow bigger but I never did, I always kept a beard, but a short one. Since we broke up I never trimmed it again, I can almost braid it, I don't even like it much, I miss my face, but I can't because of her, I just wished she knew these things, I wanted her to know how special she is to me.

Clock is ticking... .I got hours left.

[once removed]

if this were simply about an expression of "happy birthday" with no expectations and no emotionally aroused state, then there would be no harm.

it sounds like youre feeling distraught and anxious (understandable), and torn, and unsure of the goal. its really tough, and also usually not a good place, emotionally, to act from, speaking from experience.

i know the overwhelming urge to act on anxiety; odds are nothing will be made or broken if you choose not to contact her, and youre more likely to regret or second guess contacting her, than if you dont.

hang in there. i know this is hard. this is an opportunity to take charge of yourself. thats a better place to act (or not) from.

[Hlinthewiking]

4h and 39 minutes left to midnight, I'm leaning towards contacting her, but I'm starting to get calmer less anxious about it though.

I guess something to gain from doing this would be the end of that lack of closure feeling and the anxiety about wanting to break NC. The last time we talked was not very communicative and she got angry at me, said some things I didn't like and I didn't reply and that was it.

I just wish I could convince myself that sending her something exactly midnight isn't necessary, waiting until tomorrow may be more prudent, but I really wanted her to know that I had made effort and was really thing about this other then an impulse in the middle of the day.

I started to remember how I was walking on eggshells constantly and I needed to think twice before saying anything to her, I was literally afraid to talk to her, we couldn't talk much about mundane things because it was not important and I could accidentally say something that would trigger her. I think I made a lot of progress during this time and I'm not actually sure I would be able to put up with that kind of stuff now, maybe even if we went back together I would begin disliking her, that sorta happened last time in the beginning, but the intensity of my attraction towards her would always drag me back.

[JJacks0]

How long has it been since you've talked to her? I'm sorry, I know I've read bits and pieces of your story before but I can't recall it all at the moment.

I recently considered contacting my ex too, but decided not to after talking to people on here. Not saying that you shouldn't, but I guess my logic ended up being that I can't undo it once it's done, so I'm not going to rush. I slept on it and decided to wait. I think she should be the one to contact me if she wants to, but I realize that your situation is different since it's her birthday. You sort of have a timeframe there. I'd have a hard time ignoring that too.

If you really want to contact her, maybe short and sweet is the best approach.

[Sadly]

Hope all went well   x

[Hlinthewiking]

  JJacks0 Last time we spoke was Aug, 25th. It wasn't nice either, it was around 4am and she told me I looked better without her, I could have sounded a bit cold since I was trying to deal with my emotions, so she said she was going to let me go for good and told me to let her sleep, when I was the one who asked that we should sleep and talk during the day. I didn't even reply her last text, this really makes it harder to me knowing it was the last time we spoke.

  Sadly thanks, I didn't go thru it yet though... I tried to keep myself busy, I think doing it at midnight would have been worse since I had to wake up early today, it's still her birthday, I still have time to do it, I'm just really scared of her reply and a possible recycle.

[Sadly]

I don't know what I would do, it's so hard to choose isn't it. I know with my ex with lot of things I was damned if I didn't and damned if I did, doesn't leave you a whole load of options does it? I don't know where you live as far as time frames go. Perhaps, all those hours you were counting down to her birthday you could now start counting down to it not being her birthday anymore. Does that sound daft? Which do you think would be more hurtful? If you didn't text Happy Birthday and got a snotty " so much for loving me you didn't remember my birthday message" or " a why did you send me a happy birthday message, we are not together leave me alone" message. Try asking yourself and see what your instinct tells you. X

[Hlinthewiking]

Yes, it's exactly like that, thank you for understanding  , damned if you do, damned if you don't, the correct answer is fluid, not static, it's not always the same.

" so much for loving me you didn't remember my birthday message"  would be more hurtful, it invalidates my emotions and all the trouble I'v been thru specially for remembering it, " a why did you send me a happy birthday message, we are not together leave me alone" would help me move on.

She will not contact me even if I don't send her anything, not saying it's necessarily bad, just a fact based on how I know her. I won't get that reply if I don't send her a happy birthday message, she will just think I don't care about her anymore, I moved on and so should she, turn an off switch, shut me down for good.

[Sadly]

Then I think you may have answered your dilemma. There is no point sending any sort of message because all it will do is keep you waiting. Not her, you.  You know, stuff running through your head, impossible stuff, like what if she's changed, what if she realises, what if I have reached something inside. Even if you don't want to and don't think she will answer you will be constantly checking, it's human nature, Its what we do, it's called hope. Call a friend, go for a drink, stay on here and talk to me if you like, just let the time pass until it's not her birthday anymore. Job done   x

[Hlinthewiking]

I just hit enter and NC is broke... .I regret doing so I guess, anxiety kicked in immediately after. She didn't say anything yet, I think she's out partying, she didn't receive it yet, I really don't want a response or just a response but no conversation.