Boomerang Anger and Hurt

[joeramabeme]

Hi All

Been considering my feelings of anger towards various people and things in my life and trying to ask myself why I feel like I do.  I am sure that it is a carryover from the loss of my marriage and each time the pain comes up from this loss, I have this carryover feeling of anger towards the things in my life that I am not happy about or feel hurt by or just wished were different.  Part of the landscape is that when I was married; these extraneous things were of less significance because, for better or worst; I was focused on what was going on in my life.  

I have been really struggling with this for the last 2 months and was triggered into writing this post today.  I got my haircut from a stylist who is recently single.  She started talking about how hard it was to meet others, manage finances as a single person, loneliness, where to live, what the future holds.  She is chasing down married men to deal with it all, which just turns my stomach.  I thought, is this what my wife left for?  Then the anger starts... .

A close friend of mine told me never to mention my wifes name again 2 months after we were divorced.  He still calls me up and asks how I am doing and I feel like telling him; as long as I don't consider my amputation and associated ways that my life has been turned upside down, I am fine - want to b___ about your wife to me for awhile now you a-hole?

I am a longtime member of a 12-step program that used to fill in some of the gaps of empty social time before I got married.  But I had burned out on attending and also many of the members long ago and now I feel angry when I attend.  I have little tolerance for long time members who have hardly changed.  They explain everything as being "disease" related and have nothing more to say then go to another meeting. Mostly I just want to tell them to F off and grow up - not everything is about YOUR "disease".

My family has been affected by BPD and I have been involuntarily estranged from them for many years.  They have started to knock on my door after having severed our relationship with me and each other.  This is the 3rd time it has happened and many years have passed since we connected despite living within 20 miles of one another.  I have not responded in kind to them - a new behavior for me - I want them to feel some of the pain that their actions inflicted on me.  Just cause they are feeling needy and ready to rejoin - too bad, suffer with it - I had to.

The summary, is that I have found myself at first really angry with my ex but then just as angry at my circumstances.  
None of what I am going through is anyone elses fault - really, not even my exes.  

My anger has subsided quite a bit from where it was even 3 weeks ago but I still have flashes.  In part, it is directed at my ex for abandoning me after I so thoroughly put myself out there for her, for us and a future together - minus all this other crap.  In part it is feeling powerless when trying to alter my circumstances. In part, it is because of my childhood and the traumas I experienced that took so long to identify and then work through. And then it leads to me wanting to be back in what felt like a safer more defined lifestyle - even with the BPD.

Strangely, things in my life are actually relatively good - broken marriage aside, and I have really stayed the course of healing in a way that I can feel proud of.  Yet, I feel all this boomerang anger and I think in part, it is justified. Just not sure how to dole it back out to others that have hurt me.  Sometimes it has boomeranged back on me in thoughts of self defeating behavior.

I suppose the answer is I am going to have to forgive but my heart has been feeling a lot of need for retribution.  And the older I get the less time I have to give it all back.

Anyone relate?

[VitaminC]

Hey Joe,

I can relate to feelings of anger, certainly.  Mostly now, I see it as either injustices that have been perpetrated on me and/or anger at myself for a variety of things.

Reading your post I am wondering if it could be that you have a feeling of not having been properly heard by significant people in your life and the effects of events properly or fully acknowledged? And that this could lead to a sense of wanting retribution?

Have you seen this thread on anger? I found it useful myself.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=55758.0

This part, in particular, resonated for me reading your post:
"Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem."

[purekalm]

Hello joeramabeme,

Yes, I can relate, a lot. 

I think a lot of it has to do with our ex, because like you said, we did so much for them for so long and it seems like it was all for nothing. My husband is leaving in two days for good this time and he's still trying to say that he loves me and our son, but he's leaving... .

Anyway, another thing I realized was something I read in the book Boundaries and that there is a residual anger you feel because of all the times we let our boundaries be crossed by people, especially those we loved so deeply. In a relationship with someone with a BPD, I think it's pretty obvious that we've let this happen too many times to count. I'm also angry that he's abandoning us for his own self interest while trying to still keep me hooked so he can have it all.

I'm angry right now and wish I had a punching bag. I don't need to envision anyone, just to get it all out physically exhausting myself so I can't hold back all the feelings I have. I've become a little numb again because I have to keep hiding my tears, anger, you name it because it negatively affects my son and at night my brother is always awake and my parents are up off an on so I have no place and no time to feel anyway.

For me, it's not about doling it back out to the people who have hurt me, but dealing with it in myself. For the most part it's either my expectations or my lack of boundaries that got me hurt, so while I didn't cause the pain, I definitely had a part in it happening. It's not always the case however, and some people completely ignore any boundaries you have, but mostly, I just want to resolve it. Being angry only gets me so far. I don't want to live my whole life with resentment, I just want to move on and be able to be myself and be happy with that.

I'm glad your life is relatively good otherwise and that's great that you're able to keep on healing joe. It's hard, it's so hard. And hardly anyone gets it or even cares, like your friend there. I'm not supposed to love him because of all he did, yet they are allowed to feel what they feel because of their own reasons. Sigh, we'll get there joe, as long as we keep on and take a step back when we're too close to the edge.   

Purekalm