As expected she pops up again...all up in my head again.

[CollateralDamage]

Just to catch up those with the highlights of my adventure... .dated my XBPD gf for 2 years. She was  still in a 10 yr marriage when we met, but was underway with leaving. Typical BPD pattern of 0-100mph in the beginning, made me feel like a god. Slowly over time, she started to devalue and change everything from me to all her.  Mental anguish with her still being home with husband, while deeply in love with her. God, that gut wrenching feel I can still remember...   Anyway, long story short, I knew I could never trust 100% because of what she was doing with husband and me.  I accidentally caught her cheating but right, wrong or indifferent, I did not want to believe it. Took snapshot of what I found and let it go for about a month.  Just waited.  Then when she lied about having to go somewhere on the date which she was to meet him, bam I caught her. All the proof I needed to leave, and I did with all the justification under my feet.

She then starts to try to recycle about every 3 months from then on.   During this time, she elected to get a replacement that was polar opposite of me. He apparently was incarcerated for 27yrs on murder, switched over to being muslim in prison and she met him and immediately started advertising how happy she was. OK, I was fine with that... .good for her, but I knew that he was just weaker and "easier to control" then me.  After about 9 months of this, I was well on my to healing but one night she pulled all the stops out on a recycle and I feel for it.  Not going to lie, but I missed her, with sex being right at the top.  I was hooked again.  After a very emotional rollercoaster, I came to my senses and got out which caused her to rage like never before.  ALL the while, the replacement was still there but hidden very well.  Smh.

So about 3 months ago, she texted me happy birthday from a number I didn't recognize.  I said thank you but who was this.  It was her.  I paused for what seemed like hours. I decided to text back "please stop wasting my time" and I never heard anymore from her until last week.  She said that she could not forget that I called her a waste of time?   Out of everything, all that she did and does, that is the only thing she recalls (which proved out of sight, out of mind).  So I ignore this text last week and did not respond.  She then goes on Facebook and decided to like a post I made back in a public group from 2012... .simply to get my attention.  We are not friends and she is very crafty in manipulation of Facebook. Anyway, I delete the post and now she starts putting up banners, driving by house, and private calls being made.

I feel stable in that I don't want her back ever, but there is something that I like about her "trying" to get my attention. I feel like I have the upper hand, I feel bursts of confidence emerge and overall I notice that I am drawn to seek signs out because of it (which is bad because I crave more and more but don't act on it).  Does anyone else feel this way when they pop back up?  Am I delusional and just not over her still? Im trying to decipher WHY I am actually "happy" that she remembers me and appears to go through some effort to get my attention. Again, I don't want her back but this is just a behavior I notice in myself when she re emerges for brief periods.   

[JerryRG]

Hi CD

I get a ego boost when my exgf does her best to get together with me, it's been 3 times in the last year.

I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling good about someone wanting to be with us/you.

I just remember what everyone has told me and that is to expect the same results. Until my exgf makes tough choices and decides to get well, I won't even talk to her.

We share custody of a 2 year old son, she still acts the same so I stay clear.

[CollateralDamage]

My hat is off to you.  I could never imagine a child being involved, though mine was always telling me she had  ":)éjà vu" and she saw ours.  I have been trying to be more aware of ME during these times and I guess it is an ego boost.  My problem is that I start analyzing everything and find that I desire more hints, more signs, more more more.  I prevent myself from acting, but no matter how long I go without thinking about her she can generate this in me with the slightest gesture.

I don't want her back because the trust is 100% gone, but makes me disturbed that I mentally act up like this when she pops up.  I have been recycled at least 6 times since last year, even while she is with someone else. I have given up trying to understand why because I try not to make it easy. I just try to use the energy of the ego boost to move forward. I have tried everything to get her to move on her way... .from confrontation, silence, politeness, humorous, etc. Nothing seems to work and I can now set my calendar on the date and duration of her attempts.

[Rayban]

In your head is exactly where she wants to be. Everyone likes to feel desired, but in this with a BPD person, it's just manipulation. The ultimate goal is having you forget all the crap she's put you through, and have you come back for more. It's insidious, because all she has to do is plant a seed in your head, and you will self sabotage, by remaing hooked to someone who brings nothing positive to your life.

Let's not forget that this is not about you. She does what she does because of her. To her, you're a challenge, and getting you back is extra validation. 

Trust me I know we just can't snap our fingers to stop thinking about them, but we could choose to concentrate on the lying the cheating emotional abuse, till we finally understand what we're dealing with.

In the mean time consider not responding to blocked calls or texts. Block her on facebook or anyother social media.  Disactivate your accounts if you have to. It truly is the only way.

[CollateralDamage]

I plan on not responding this time (actually once again) and just hope she forgets and moves on.  The whole thing feels like a no win situation. I mean, if you react in ANY way I feel like she won.  Even if I don't react, I feel that she knows me well enough that she KNOWS that she won.  Won at what I am not sure, other than like you said about just getting in my head.  I walk around my house and burst out with questions, swear words, depression then Im back to "normal".  Crazy making... .but the one hook, the only hook that remains is the sex movies of her in my head.  I feel that in some ways that is in direct relation to my hyper analyzing everything.

[stimpy]

Hi CD, everything you have written in your posts, I could have written as well. Word for word!

It is truly crazy making. But as the FOG (fear obligation guilt) lifts and I start to look back at the relationship with more clarity, I have started to see how impossible things were. Yes, I miss her, she was sexy and alluring and charming. Yet had the capacity to treat me like crap, without any empathy or compassion and absolutely no concern for my well being or happiness. It was all about her.

Then after the discard, the one year of internet stalking and other passive aggressive attempts to attract attention/provoke me.

I think one of the reasons my brain occasionally still thinks of her, is simply to try and make sense of her behaviour - because it simply DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. So my brain continues occasionally to try and make sense of the senseless. This is normal, we are programmed to try and understand other peoples behaviour, especially those people we have cared about.

But it is an impossible task, because it is non-sensical.

No contact is for me the only way, and even though her attempts at recycle/contact/etc... .were kinda an ego boost, they also held me back from getting over her. I have completely ignored her now for quite a long time (maybe 9 or 10 months) and she has made no attempts to recycle for the last 3 months.

I think the recycle attempts also postpone the grieving process that needs to happen for full detachment to occur, the grieving is painful, but essential to moving on and regaining independence and normality. 

[CollateralDamage]

Im getting there with you, but it is crazy how one simple things gets the locked up gears rolling again.  Is one method better than the other with BPDs?  What I mean is how does a BPD think when a source goes dark (no contact)? How does a BPD think when a source does not respond?   Do they, themselves go crazy to make a point?  Do they truly no give a ___ and just do it all just to prove you are still supply?  It would be interesting to find out what they think with any elected actions on our part... .

[Rayban]

Im getting there with you, but it is crazy how one simple things gets the locked up gears rolling again.  Is one method better than the other with BPDs?  What I mean is how does a BPD think when a source goes dark (no contact)? How does a BPD think when a source does not respond?   :)o they, themselves go crazy to make a point?  Do they truly no give a ___ and just do it all just to prove you are still supply?  It would be interesting to find out what they think with any elected actions on our part... .

My guess would be they just move on to the next one on their rolodex.  I think that's why they always keep exes and "friends" on stand by. Also would explain that while with a main attachment they still reach out to people in their past.

[CollateralDamage]

Thank you.  But here is where it doesn't make sense... .they can go for weeks, months or even years with no contact (from what I have read here) but they generally seem to come back.  Almost like no matter what you do (barring a r/s) they will return if they want to.  I think many, including myself, believed that they suffered greater than we nons do during separation because their emotions are so intense... .like a 3rd degree burn victim. Has there been any research or simply Q&A with a BPD sufferer to find out how they may process things during the pushing away?

[Herodias]

They think time heals ALL wounds... .Good for you for getting out of the triangle! Mine was more of an octagon! I keep thinking about what I would do if mine tried again- maybe tell him to post a picture of the two of us as his profile picture stating " I miss and love my ex-wife", ... .I'd tell him that's the only way I would believe he's serious... .and it has to be posted for a whole week... then I'd tell him after a week that I  never told him to do that! Lol... .no, I couldn't be that mean, but it's just what he would do! I can dream about it anyway... . funny how I want to mirror him to him!  stay strong!

[CollateralDamage]

I believe it and it makes sense.  I heard that BPD grieve in reserve from nons.  We basically go from sad, depressed through the stages to end up in better state.  BPD tend to be in a better state at first and then proceed to sad, depressed internally.  I guess either way they think like you state.  Mine just does things like going on Facebook and liking a post from 2012. LOL  Some would say that was an accident, until she changes the like to love.  The after a day she will unmark the like, to pretend nothing happened.  We are not friends in life or Facebook, so my logical mind screams out WHY.  I have had to work on that and try to just feel rather than hyper analyze everything, but SHE KNOWS ME.  Therein lies the danger.  It is almost like we have to change ourselves and can never go back to what we were before for fear of that self being used against us.

[Larmoyant]

CollateralDamage,

I’m in a different frame of mind as you as I’m still trauma bonded and part of me wants him back (getting smaller and smaller), but I can relate to your post.

I ended it last January, but he has regularly popped back up. When he does it gives me a sense of relief and belief that he still wants/loves me. In addiction terms, I get an ‘initial’ kick from it that makes me feel as if I have control/choice, but I usually come down pretty hard as all it really does is trigger my wounds, and before I know it I’m back to hurting and wondering about him again. I then wait, kept in limbo (self-imposed), hoping for him to make contact again so I can feel wanted for a very short while. It’s as Rayban described, he plants a seed in my head , rekindling the hope, and I turn my attention from rebuilding my life to once again thinking of his. Self-sabotage it is.

I’ve read on here so many times that full NC would be best, that I’d recover faster, yet still I’m waiting for the tell-tale sound of his text message. Something’s holding me back, and whatever it is, it’s very strong.

Rayban’s response had me wondering if, when they make contact, we are deluding ourselves a little. Thinking that they must really love/miss us when in fact it ‘is’ just manipulation designed to make us forget all the abuse and have us come back for more.

And I can’t help but agree with the statement that “she does what she does because of her”. And stimpy’s “it’s all about her”. It was only ever about him in my experience. His wants, needs, desires. I mean he bulldozed all of mine.

It’s been 8 months and I still haven’t been able to get my ex out of my system and I believe that is because I wasn’t able to go NC. I keep refusing to pull the band-aid straight off so it’s been a slow, painful detachment that is still continuing. I’m still waiting for his next contact, for my next ‘high’ followed by ‘low’ but realising at last that he’s ‘not’ going to step up, not going to take any responsibility. He doesn't want to change to make us work. How long will I go on before I accept that this is unlikely to ever happen? How long am I willing to put off my own life waiting for a miracle?

Sorry, for rambling on. Your post hit a nerve. Thanks for posting.

[once removed]

BPD is a spectrum disorder, with millions of people all over the spectrum. it is a mistake to assume any two think or act alike, and to use that as insight into your ex.

Im trying to decipher WHY I am actually "happy" that she remembers me and appears to go through some effort to get my attention.

it makes sense to me. did your relationship play out this way?

[CollateralDamage]

Thank you.  I do know that BPD is a spectrum disorder but I was curious how the general approach to No Contact actually impacts a general case.  I found a forum called psych forums where BPD sufferers assemble to discuss their issues and nons.  Quite fascinating in their general beliefs and interpretations... .here are a few I found that are kinda revealing:

from the forum:

"Stages of a borderline relationship.

I always find there are 3 stages in my relationships.
1st is the "white" happy honey moon stage.
2nd is the "black" I hate everything about this person stage.
3rd is when I'm over the person, my "grey" stage if you will.

Although I'm still mildly disappointed with the person in the grey stage for "failing me", I don't feel rage toward them anymore, jealousy, or the desire to either fix or destroy the realtionship. This is probably as I close as I get to being "normal" with someone, we can even be friends at this point.
It's like a wave of relief for me when I get to that stage. I spend the first half with such high hopes, the second half in agonizing pain. So when the "death" of the relationship comes and I feel next to nothing it's like being free again. The only problem is by the time I've reached this stage I've move onto some other doomed relationship. Once I've reached the grey with someone, I've already got someone else lined up to be my 'white' knight.

I read a lot of BPDers who say they go back and forth between idealizing someone and devaluing them. I never go back and forth, theres always a very clear line for be between the time I loved you and the time I started hating you. Anyone else?

Take my current (2 year) relationship for example. I idealized her almost the entire first year, but slowly toward the end of that year I started to dislike her more and more. Until now, the second year- I hate her and It's been awful and I'm in all this pain.
So I've been really looking forward into my typical '3rd phase' ... .but so far there's no end in sight.
And here's why I think that is: I was formally diagnosed with BPD this year. So for the first time I'm aware of what I'm doing. Now I know that there isn't a soulmate wont trigger me. The grass isn't greener with someone else. Everyone's gonna ###$ up, everyone's gonna get painted black eventually. Nobodies wins.

So in essence. I feel stuck, more than I ever have.
I don't know how/want to be alone. But I hate the person I'm with. Falling in "love" with someone else to get out of the realtionship cycle won't work (I tried) because I've wised up.
So you would think this perfect storm would lead me to have to face my #######4. I realize I'm technically the one who is fked up but the thing is, I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want to become un-borderline and have crappy luke warm relationships.

So I'm literally at what feels like an existential stand still.  It's weird ya'll."




I've yet to feel DURING the course of the relationship that the other person cares as much as me. It's only when I've stopped caring completely do I see that the other person feels something, and of course by then it's too late. There's always that imbalance. Seems like someone has to lose.

I can't wait until it's over either, but I still have a few people I feel obligated to live for (despite the fact they've mistreated me). I wish I had the will to just be done with it already tbh. I have little hope for this to get any better (aside from the occasional delusional daydream.)



Re: Stages of a borderline relationship.

Here's how it usually goes:
1. Meeting Mr. Right
2. Trying to make him stay (bed breaking sex at night, making cupcakes in the morning)
3. Getting jealous at everything and everyone
4. Thinking that he's not that great after all and having ideas about leaving him and finding someone else whom I'll have many beautiful babies with
5. Flirting, cheating, finding Mr.Right 2
6. Leaving Mr. Right 1
7. Trying to make this one stay using the good ol' method
8.Getting jealous at everything and everyone
9. Thinking how great it was with Mr. Right 1



I also found this in discussion in regards to long term relationships:


Re: Long term/serious relationships

I find it difficult to even imagine what traits a person would need in order for their relationship with me to work.

If I was dating a very patient, healthy and caring person, like the one updown_14 described, I'd leave them because I'd feel sorry for them.

If it was somebody more assertive and controlling, I'd leave them because I can't stand being the weaker one.

If it was a needy, submissive person, I'd either abuse the heck out of them or discard them like trash.

I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where both parties openly talk about their feelings, because it would lead to too much drama.

I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where either or both of us doesn't say everything about themselves, because then it would feel like we're never close/intimate enough.

I'm in a sort of mock relationship right now and I have no hopes of it surviving any more than 2 years.


and finally:

"Its a pretty predictable pattern the way it unfolds with Nons. They are usually very taken with me in the beginning. I think its the chameleon aspect, it makes it appear we have so much in common, since I usually show a lot of interest in whatever they are interested, I ask questions, am sweet, docile, submissive, etc. They usually begin to fall in love. Things go smoothly for a few months, this way.

The problem is that they are only falling in love with my "mask," I'm basically manipulating them the whole time. I flatter and charm them. But then I get restless. I start rocking the boat, testing them, picking fights, drinking too much, acting erratic, etc. At that point they usually start to notice i'm crazy and either break up with me, or sometimes they keep hanging on for awhile hoping I will change, or something. but i'm usually bored by then. its like I conquered them and there is no more challenge"

[CollateralDamage]

BPD is a spectrum disorder, with millions of people all over the spectrum. it is a mistake to assume any two think or act alike, and to use that as insight into your ex.

Im trying to decipher WHY I am actually "happy" that she remembers me and appears to go through some effort to get my attention.

it makes sense to me. did your relationship play out this way?

I ended the relationship because of her lies, directly related to cheating. I was strong then because I had a solid foundation in my mind to leave and have no part of her.  That did not stop me from thinking about her, since I was truly in love.  With no contact, I believe that I learned to suppress those feelings, but they still lurked deep within me.  So when she contacted me the first time, my ego got a boost and then I started to miss her.  The funny thing now is that I see her pop up, get the ego boost, but now want to hyper analyze her situation to find out why... .I don't want her back, but I want to see her receiving karma for what she did to me.

[CollateralDamage]

this really puts it into perspective for me:

"once the devaluation started, it was never the same. Looking back, he tried his hardest, it just wasn't ever good enough for me. I couldn't even tell you what it was that set me off, eventually it was everything - I wanted him with me when he wasn't, because if he wasn't at my side it meant he didn't love me - but when e was there, he didn't love me enough so I hated him. Once it breaks, it's never quite the same. But not because I stop loving them."

[once removed]

id be very careful about using those examples as a proxy for your ex. they are written with a certain level of self awareness of the disorder, and are reflective (time has passed).

With no contact, I believe that I learned to suppress those feelings, but they still lurked deep within me.  So when she contacted me the first time, my ego got a boost and then I started to miss her. 

have you read this:

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way

perhaps suppressing the feelings has been counterproductive. she cheated. that hurts. you love(d) her and it can feel very confusing to feel both of those things simultaneously.

what sort of karma do you want to see? when you play it out in your head, what does it look like? how would it make you feel?

[CollateralDamage]

Just wanted to let everyone know what transpired with this.  So my exBPDgf attempted something this time, but I am not quite sure what it was.  She texted me telling me that basically she loves me, wants to be with me, and is not in a good place right now.  Then in the next message, she is telling me that her current replacement is loved by her ex husband and that for the kids she is in between a rock and hard place in getting me back... .yeah, I am confused too.  I didn't ask to come back, I didn't know she was still with the murderer replacement... .I didn't care.  So, I figured I would text back and instead of questioning anything, I would get closer.

I GOT IT.   The acknowledgement that she was wrong, sorry for the way she treated me, sorry for the lies and deceit.  She told me she loved me, and always would choose me over anyone else (but of course not this time hahahah).

So with that, I cut the conversation short, told her I am proud of her decision to stay with the murderer since her ex husband loved him being around his kids.  I told her that we could have left a mark on this world, but I would bow out and wish her new family the absolute best.

Damn, I feel GREAT.  Closure doesn't happen often but this is going to help me move the f on finally.  Above all, I am not crazy

[Rayban]

That's a smart decision.  Just for the simple fact of avoiding the sick dynamic of an ex husband who loves that a murderer takes good care of his kids.  You don't want any of that dude.