Stopping the codependency

[Oncebitten]

Thank you to those of you that have listened to my problems for the last couple of days. 

It is apparent to me now that I have become very codependent on my ex and become completely obsessed with her.  Despite the fact that she tells me she wants nothing to do with me, the r/s ending is all my fault and that I am the worst kind of person ever.  I find myself missing her to the point of pain. Telling her I was willing to do anything to salvage the r/s. Begging her to stay etc. What do I need to do to detach from this complete mess I find myself in.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Great insight. I think distance is your friend for a while. And then you'd have to be willing to welcome the pain. There will be a lot of it--and it doesn't mean you're going in the wrong direction, it may mean you're going in the right one. Which is a counter-intuitive reaction to pain.

That frantic need -- I can relate -- and it really does resemble a drug addiction. It seems to have the same biochemical dynamics too. In any event, if you were trying to stop using your drug of choice, it would not surprise you to encounter nearly intolerable-feeling pain. It is just what's there before you can get to the other side.

I made myself consciously welcome the pain. It was supposed to be there. Does that make sense?

The key is to shed the habits and impulses that make everything about this relationship. At first that will be super hard because it is a very ingrained instinct. It takes practice to get the benefits.

[Oncebitten]

Patient

I know its going to be hard.  But it has to be done.  I have completely lost touch with who i really am.  So bring on the pain, I am finally ready to face my demons.

[Larmoyant]

Oncebitten, I'm facing those demons too. Not easy, but it gets clearer and easier as time goes on. You can do it 

[Oncebitten]

Larmoyant

Thank you for your support.  I know that it is going to be hard. I wish you well on your own path.

[lovenature]

First by going absolute 100% NC, then by reading, posting, learning; first about BPD, then shift the focus to you. I will tell you that it gets worse before it gets better, when you start learning about why you keep going back to a toxic relationship it becomes extremely painful; remember that the only way out is through, and along the way you need to look after yourself.

2 books I would recommend you look at are: Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, and Overcoming perfectionism by Ann W. Smith.