Why am I grateful for my failed BPD marriage?

[Moselle]

- I am a better person today than when it started. More open, creative, vulnerable, loving, understanding.

- I have met some of the most compassionate and caring people.

- I read dysfunction like it's standing out and shouting at me. It's beyond me how people around me are completely oblivious to the dynamics of 25% or so of the population who are diagnosable with a mental disorder. Through this process I am now aware.

- I can read BS very quickly and can challenge it in non-threatening ways. So I can help people this way

- I am a commercial deal maker so this ability to read dynamics is a game-changer for me. Sometimes I apply energy, sometimes I empathise, sometimes I use SET, sometimes I call BS sometimes I tread lightly. My ability to adapt has increased massively to get a deal done.

- In am more authentic in a leadership sense. Not fully and it's a work in progress but aware of ego and my tendencies in this space.

What things have you learned or received on this BPD journey?

[bestintentions]

- I ignored  far too often.

- I have repeated the caretaking behaviors that my mother still exhibits to this day even though I swore to myself I hadn't.

- My personality tendencies that cultivate friendships have come back to me in spades.  So many friends and family have been/will be there for me during this process.

- Received an education I never wanted 

- This board is "open source" in the truest sense.  People helping people with no expectations of anything in return says something great about humanity.

- That what I thought was very unlikely to happen to me actually happened.

[troisette]

A great post Moselle and I'm so pleased for you. You sound so different from this time last year.

I've learned a lot too, much of it similar to your experiences.

I went to a specialist in regressive hypnosis. I wanted to change my emotional responses so I wasn't vulnerable to PDs. He talks to my subconcious, discovering emotional responses that I have repressed, giving me the choice as to how I want to change them, and why they were there in the first place. He treats my infant, not my adult self. Five sessions over ten weeks and I feel so different. Probably a couple more to go yet.

Like you, I can see disordered behaviour now, it's surprising how I didn't notice it before: it was my norm. I also feel more confident, even my posture has changed. Optimistic and grounded.

I tested myself recently. I haven't re-read any of the emails between me and exBPD. Read them all, wasn't triggered. I realised how much I gave, how withholding he was. How little had been enough for me.  

So my experience had double benefit. It caused me to look inwards, to understand why I was vulnerable. In doing so I learned many things about myself that I had been unaware of and it enabled me to change then.

So thank you BPD, I'll never get involved with you again!

Glad to hear you sounding so positive. Onwards, higher and higher  

[puck]

I regained myself.

My child is safe and in a loving, stable home with a healthy parent.

I am now free to make decisions for myself without fear.

I no longer waste hours of energy and emotions each day on my former spouse's difficulties. 

Living in a stable environment has given our child license to grow in independence and thrive in a way that wasn't possible with my former spouse around.

The future is bright!

[risingup4]

I'm grateful for all of the above that other people mentioned. While I was only in the relationship for six months, I learned a tremendous amount about myself and wonder if unconsciously I "invited" this person into my life to have those old wounds torn open into the light of day so that I could heal them. BPDs have a way of shining the light on truth, and I'm now in a very healthy loving relationship as a result (with a woman who a year ago I would have considered "boring". I'm a totally different person thanks to that whirlwind relationship.

As a novelist, I'm most grateful for some incredible writing material! Now I know where Homer got the idea for the Sirens and how Stoker could capture those eerie little details about vampires (look deep into my eyes... .).

I guess I'm kinda sorta grateful for my loss of innocence. I do miss the blue pill fantasy days and all that "fun". But now I have those sweet memories that now lose their bitterness over time.

I'm also very grateful for books and communities like this that have educated and kept me from going back to the Siren and crashing on the rocks again and again. Without this knowledge you all share, who knows, I might be dead right now.

[MeandThee29]

More recent, but:

I'm a worthy person. I may be broken in some places, but I still deserve respect and understanding.

Being completely open with my struggles with a counsellor is hard but is more productive.

I prefer a faith-based counsellor.

All of this had a greater impact on our children than I appreciated.

I became codependent while trying to save my marriage. It was a losing battle.

There's a difference between "basic" marriage problems and deep problems when both individuals have mental health issues, especially BPD.

[Moselle]

I'm also very grateful for books and communities like this that have educated and kept me from going back to the Siren and crashing on the rocks again and again. Without this knowledge you all share, who knows, I might be dead right now.

Well done Rising up. It looks like you have come a long way