Is it ok to feel /think this

[Sadly]

I have been worrying about the I hate you don't leave me stuff. You see, although I threw him out of my house those words where in my head and not for the first time either. Also many a time I have looked at him I have thought, I hate you, I love you. I don't tick any of the BPD boxes though I have suffered from depression sometimes.
I know I have to stick to NC and he has to be gone from my life but my misery is huge right now.
I miss him every minute of every day. It's like my heart has been cut out with a blunt knife, like I have lost a limb. I would have loved him faithfully till the day I died. Now it's all gone and I feel less than alive. Is it ok for a non to think I hate you don't leave me?

[C.Stein]

Is it ok for a non to think I hate you don't leave me?

Hate and love are two sides of the same coin, so yes.  I think everyone at some point has "hated" certain things about someone they are close to but still loves them.  When dysfunctional/destructive behaviors are tied to these feelings then it become a question of disorder.

[bunny4523]

Sadly,

I can tell you are really confused right now.  Of course it's ok for you to feel that way. Feelings don't have rules, they just are.  Try breaking it down, if you love someone and they cheat on you, you will feel anger too but the love is still there.  All the feelings are ok... .it's how you act on them that matters.

If you need to process your feelings then start asking yourselves questions.  Think about why you kicked him out.  Knowing you "shouldn't" be with him isn't enough sometimes, you need to NOT WANT to be with him.  You kicked him out once so those feelings are inside you. You just need to find them again and trust them.

Missing someone isn't enough of a reason to go back and endure abuse/mistreatment.  It's ok to mourn the good times and want nothing to do with the bad times anymore.  You have to see it as a whole package... .

It's very hard separating especially when part of you doesn't want to.  You always have a choice.  When we feel like we don't, it seems it's human nature to want what we think we can't have.  

Can you play the scenario in your head about contacting and how things would go to remind yourself why you asked him to leave in the first place?

I'm sorry your struggling,
Bunny
  

[Sadly]

Thank you both.
Yes, I can see the whole package and I know I cannot and will not allow myself to go back. Yes I miss so much that was good in our lives together but not the constant weariness and wariness I lived with. I WANT to be with him for the good but KNOW I can't be because of the bad. It is hell emotionally right now but not as draining and devastating as when we were together. I think I am still crying for the magic we first had and lost and also crying for the nightmare it became.
I was just worried when I realised I was thinking " I love you don't leave me". I have discovered a lot about me, co dependency to a degree but then panicked thinking I was having BPD symptoms too. Am so very tired. Thank you again xx

[Lucky Jim]

It is hell emotionally right now but not as draining and devastating as when we were together.

Hey Sadly, You put that well.  When my BPDxW and I parted ways, my primary emotion was one of relief.  Sure, it was sad and overwhelming, yet I enjoyed coming home at the end of the day without the expectation of a confrontation.  Finally I was able to start recharging my batteries, which were drained.  I didn't miss the drama.

In my view your mixed feelings are normal, so I suggest you cut yourself some slack.  You may find this hard to imagine, but at the end of the tunnel is greater happiness, so hang in there.

LuckyJim

[Sadly]

Thanks LJ
I remember you from my first time here, gawd it seems like a lifetime ago. Yes you are right life is peaceful even if very lonely. Hanging in, even if sometimes by my finger nails and have here to come to when I have doubts. Cheers Lucky Jim
 

[C.Stein]

Yes you are right life is peaceful even if very lonely.

I'll take this over emotional chaos any day of the week.   

[Pipedreamer25]

All the hugs for you Sadly.  Are you on your holiday yet?  I hope that you're doing good things for yourself.   

It is hell emotionally right now but not as draining and devastating as when we were together.

I think you are making progress.   I'm still at the stage where this current state of loneliness is worse than than the ups and downs of being with him.  I envy you that and I hope one day I can be as strong as you.  What has been suggested to me is that every time I remember something good is to pair it with something bad.  Unfortunately there are plenty of examples!

Thinking of you and sending internet hugs 

[sweet tooth]

I have been worrying about the I hate you don't leave me stuff. You see, although I threw him out of my house those words where in my head and not for the first time either. Also many a time I have looked at him I have thought, I hate you, I love you. I don't tick any of the BPD boxes though I have suffered from depression sometimes.
I know I have to stick to NC and he has to be gone from my life but my misery is huge right now.
I miss him every minute of every day. It's like my heart has been cut out with a blunt knife, like I have lost a limb. I would have loved him faithfully till the day I died. Now it's all gone and I feel less than alive. Is it ok for a non to think I hate you don't leave me?

1 Corinthians 15:33 ":)o not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character." Here is much wisdom from Saint Paul. Who we associate with has an effect on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  More than likely, you do not have BPD.  However, spending time with this person has had an effect on your mental and physical health.  I know after I was discarded I went into a downward spiral. I acted very uncharacteristically. I started yelling at my family and had several breakdowns.  The situation brought up old wounds I thought were long healed: I threatened to never speak to my sister again.  I was not myself.

Colloquially, this is known as "picking up fleas." As I did, you picked up some characteristics of the BPD in your life.  This is normal and common.  Time will heal this, as it did for me. 

[sweet tooth]

By the way, any thought or feeling is okay. Thoughts and feelings do not to be justified.  However, they need to be confronted so they do not lead to behaviors.  

Example: I'm so mad I could rip up his favorite book!

There are two things that can happen here:
1. The person can actually rip up the book, which will have consequences
2. Confront the thought: ie "That would not be a good idea.  I don't want to give into my anger and tear up this book.  Somebody worked hard to create it and I don't want to disrespect them."  

[Sadly]

Hey PD, thanks for the hugs. I go on Saturday 8th, it has it's ups and downs. We went on 5 holidays in our two years together and it's tough booking for one but am doing it.
Unfortunately I vacillate between the emotional loneliness and the tough being with him and for some reason this week was harder than last whereas I thought it would be easier. Getting there though and I know you will too   That's good advice you got, I do it all the time and it really helps. I also read the last email I sent him with some of the awful things he did, that helps even more. Thank you for thinking of me, thoughts and hugs coming your way too   x

[Sadly]

Thanks Sweet tooth, I dare say I did pick up some fleas. To be fair I haven't felt anger towards him for months, not when I realised what his illness is and the depths of his confusion and unhappiness. He will never know this though. If only love could heal.   x

[C.Stein]

I dare say I did pick up some fleas.

I hear there is a sale on flea powder at the local grocer.   

[Sadly]

By the bucket load hopefully