HOW to get past the hate?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Any suggestions on how to get past the hatred I have for my ex-husband? Granted, it's only been about 2-1/2 months we've been separated (divorce will hopefully be final any day), & 1 month of NC, but I can't stand how just seeing him today in traffic has sent me what feels like 10 steps back. He literally cut right in front of me in traffic, despite me doing my best to ignore him. WHY has this sent me on this minute-to-minute cycle, going from "screw him, he's not going to ruin my day & he will always be a selfish a$$", to bursting into tears from the reminder of how he treated me & tried to control me?

I have been doing SO WELL & now tonight it's as though the floodgates have opened & the wounds are all fresh again.

[Faith16]

Any suggestions on how to get past the hatred I have for my ex-husband? Granted, it's only been about 2-1/2 months we've been separated (divorce will hopefully be final any day), & 1 month of NC, but I can't stand how just seeing him today in traffic has sent me what feels like 10 steps back. He literally cut right in front of me in traffic, despite me doing my best to ignore him. WHY has this sent me on this minute-to-minute cycle, going from "screw him, he's not going to ruin my day & he will always be a selfish a$$", to bursting into tears from the reminder of how he treated me & tried to control me?

I have been doing SO WELL & now tonight it's as though the floodgates have opened & the wounds are all fresh again.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Faith-

Any suggestions on how to get past the hatred I have for my ex-husband? Granted, it's only been about 2-1/2 months we've been separated (divorce will hopefully be final any day), & 1 month of NC, but I can't stand how just seeing him today in traffic has sent me what feels like 10 steps back. He literally cut right in front of me in traffic, despite me doing my best to ignore him. WHY has this sent me on this minute-to-minute cycle, going from "screw him, he's not going to ruin my day & he will always be a selfish a$$", to bursting into tears from the reminder of how he treated me & tried to control me?

I have been doing SO WELL & now tonight it's as though the floodgates have opened & the wounds are all fresh again.

I'm sorry you're in that place, detaching from the relationship and going through all of the emotions is not easy work, but you are here talking about it, and good for you!  And 2 1/2 months with 1 month without communicating is not long at all; the good news is the worst part is at the beginning and it will get easier, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

You might look at your phrasing too; is it anger or hatred?  Anger is a normal stage of grieving, and a normal response to being treated poorly and controlled, and it will pass, the best way to make it pass being feel it all the way through it, the only way out is through.  And if you hate him, you hate him, who am I to tell you how you feel, although looking at things exactly as they are, instead of better or worse, is most helpful.  Take care of you!

[Faith16]

Fromheeltoheal- Good point about anger vs hate. Yes, anger is probably a much better word. I hate to wish time away, but I definitely wish this anger to pass quickly.  I am not one to harbor ill feelings so I only hope for this all to pass soon! What I do hate is that these people can consume so much of our life. Evil does walk the earth.

[fromheeltoheal]

Evil does walk the earth.

And so does good, and after we grow through our detachment we're better able to choose whom we walk with.  Hang in there Faith and keep talking, you'll make it, and it takes what it takes.

[bunny4523]

Any suggestions on how to get past the hatred I have for my ex-husband?

For me the anger left once I finally let it sink in that he could no longer hurt me, control me or effect my life.  It was hard because he would still try and just the mear fact that he was trying pissed me off.  

I had to stop and tell myself that he ruined so much of my past, I don't want to even give him one more day of my life to mess with.  It didn't work instantly but I kept reminding myself of this, smiling when I wanted to cry.  Not letting him hurt my inner core anymore.  I would either be indifferent or just smile and walk away.  Almost like "I'm happy and there is nothing you can do about it."  

I work with him still and he still trys to do little things to bother me.  I used to get mad because I felt like he intruded into my personal space or was trying to control me.  I kind of had to step back and almost play along... . keep him guessing.  It was my way of keeping him at a distance.  At first though I was offended by his constant nonsense trying to engage me.  Now I just kind of blow him off, like he isn't interesting enough to keep my attention.  Unless it's work related,then I'm actually fine.

I know how hard this can be but it does get easier.  Once you are able to start taking his power over you away from him... .and process that hurt... .he won't be able to upset you.  It just takes time... .hang in there.

Bunny

[boatman]

Hi Faith-

I'm sorry you were treated badly. I certainly understand your feelings of anger. I have been in 4 different relationships with girls with BPD over the last 8 years. I can only speak for myself, but for me the anger has been there since the first one ended 8 years ago. I feel anger when I think of anyone that is an abuser, and stronger anger when I think of the 4 perpetrators of the abuse I suffered. Like I said, I can only speak for myself, but I think the anger will always be a part of me, which is ok.

Be compassionate with yourself and take it one day at a time. 

[Sadly]

Hi Faith
For me the anger/hate went when I had read huge amounts of data about BPD  and joined on here reading stories and discovered this really is a very serious mental illness. It was very hard to let go of and not to take it personally,  moments crop up all the time but I can no longer be angry with someone who is so ill any more than I could be angry if he had, say, cancer or something. In fact it is a type of cancer, eating away at their minds, destroying everything it reaches, including us. I have love and compassion and a deep terrible unhappiness that at times I don't know what to do with. Now, after meeting his father I know why my ex is the way he is and I despise the man for doing that to his child. Some would say, but someone made his father like that but I can't go back that far, my spirit is not generous enough. His father is dying and I don't care, I wouldn't p*ss on him if he was on fire, maybe that's were my anger has gone. Who knows.
I hope you continue to read and post here and that peace will find us all someday. 

[Pretty Woman]

Faith, it's so hard to get past the hate when they keep throwing themselves in front of you.

I vacillate between sadness and anger. I have not gotten to indifference or acceptance and I am 13mo out.

My therapist says it's OK to be angry. It's NOT ok to be obsessive over it but it's ok to have anger especially after what they have done to us.

My ex literally broke up with me after I threw her a very expensive birthday party. We are talking thousands. She called me over, told me we weren't working out (as she did many times before). When I prodded if it was this "new girl" who joined our social group she said yes and that she was in love.
After knowing her two weeks. She promptly kicked me out, had the locks changed as I was leaving, all the while telling me we would always be friends, that I was her best friend... .and crying mind you. When I challenged her she then got angry saying what an awful person I WAS.

I never saw my dog again nor her. She is now living with this person a year later.

Do I have a right to be angry? HELL YES. This person estranged me from my family, caused my friends to walk away (all are back now, thank god), raged at me, called me names, abused me. I almost lost my job over her.

I am angry. But I am also angry I tolerated that level of abuse from someone. I wouldn't let a stranger on the street treat me this way, why would I let this broken person?
Because I am broken in my own ways.

You need to let up on yourself a bit. This isn't an overnight fix. It takes time and work. I will second Sadly in saying it helps to read everything you can on BPD. I know it is hard to be compassionate towards someone who screwed you over.

In time, you will be able to separate the person and the disorder. They are MUCH worse off than we are. We can heal through hard work. They really can't. Imagine each relationship being "the one" and each ending horrifically with people hating you? It's a sad existence and nothing to envy.

[Lucky Jim]

I definitely wish this anger to pass quickly.

Hey faith, I doubt the anger will pass until you process it in some fashion.  There are different ways to process our feelings, as you probably know.  When I sense strong emotions welling up inside me, I make an effort to do one or more of the following: write in my journal; call a friend or family member to discuss; take a walk to clear my head; play a musical instrument or do art work; schedule an appointment with my T; practice mindfulness through meditation; etc.  You get the idea.

My theory is that unacknowledged feelings tend to fester inside until pressure builds up -- like a volcano -- at which time there is some eruption or physical manifestation such as back pain or illness.

The idea is to embrace our feelings because they are a part of who we are.

LuckyJim

[bunny4523]

I am angry. But I am also angry I tolerated that level of abuse from someone. I wouldn't let a stranger on the street treat me this way, why would I let this broken person?
Because I am broken in my own ways.

You need to let up on yourself a bit. This isn't an overnight fix. It takes time and work. I will second Sadly in saying it helps to read everything you can on BPD. I know it is hard to be compassionate towards someone who screwed you over.

great point!  If you can get to the point of forgiving yourself then in time you should be able to let go of the majority of the anger towards your ex... .  I'm sure it's ok to have anger when you think about what someone did to you but I think it should last for moments not all day or all week.  That's the goal.  Feeling it and letting go, moving on, smiling, being happy.

Bunny

[Pretty Woman]

Bunny brings up a good point. At the end of the day it really has nothing to do with our exes. Are they sitting at home ruminating over us? Likely not. We need to take care of ourselves and nourish our lives with what is missing. This person returning is not going to FIX anything. We can fix it through therapy and really growing. Nurturing ourselves. They do NOT complete us.

I read a quote the other day that was really fitting. It said:

I am not looking for my other half. I am not a half.

That really makes you think!

[snowwhite]

I think it is impossible to heal until you first acknowledge the hurt and losses. But I also believe you need to do things to calm yourself, things that are personally soothing. I believe we can get our minds as revved up as theirs are when they disregulate. Slow down your mind. 
For some it is rest and quiet, for some music, for some exercising. Whatever works for you. I know in the worst of it, I used to pray almost an hour a day, begging God for the strength to get through another day. Eventually, the memories will be farther in the past, and newer, better ones will be more current.
Remember, people with BPD will never really be happy. You will be.