It has been 9 months now

[Jeff26]

Yesterday made it 9 months since she broke up with me via text.

She has been with what I am calling my "replacement" for about 7 months now.

Never once has she reached out to me. Complete and utter silence.

No happy birthday message to me, no other form of showing that she thinks about me whatsoever.


Tomorrow would have been our 2 year anniversary, and you can bet that it's been on my mind.


She's with another man, making memories with him. Going places with her son and the replacement, the stuff I use to do with them not even a year ago.



I realize after nine months that I want a relationship where someone loves me as much as I love her.



I think it's safe to assume that if she loved me as much as I loved her, she wouldn't have pursued love with another man. Especially so soon after.

And I've read plenty of stories on here of being ghosted and having your ex vanish from your life in a matter of a day.


But man oh man,  HOW? Seriously how in the heck can a female not at least give me one tiny breadcrumb to let me know she misses me.


There is no way that she doesn't miss me; I know that instinctually.

But she replaced me with another. He calls her son his "buddy" now. She is friends with his mother and sisters, liking and commenting on there posts and vice versa.



Just flat out threw herself and her son into another mans life in the matter of a few months.



What the heck? Some days I can sort of shake it off and chalk it up as a really tough loss... .other days I can't stop my jaw from hitting the floor & scratching my head.

[Butterflies free]

Hi Jeff26,

It wasn't that long ago when I was in the same position as you are in regarding time apart, emotion, and rumination.
I am 15 months NC w my exBPDbf... .not a peep... .and it is a BLESSING!
Since we cannot have an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where we can erase all the memories, we have to learn the truth of the illness they possess and how it effects us, the non BPD partner.

I was 3 years in, and bonded with his daughter and my replacement is/was "making memories" with him and her... .but remember, the replacements fate will be the same as yours. They aren't exempt from the push/pull, manipulation, the lies and the confusion. The BPD doesn't experience happiness the way nonBPDs experience happiness... .Happiness comes from within. Our significant others, whether they be spouses or long term partners in a healthy relationship enhance each other's happiness. Bringing out the best in one another.
BPDS usually suffer from depression. There is no happiness in depression.

Love received from the BPD is in itself deceitful. They believe it's love they're feeling toward you, but idealization isn't love. It's more a perception to how we make them feel when it's all new and exciting. Until you're completely de-valued and are the enemy without knowing why or what you did.

You haven't heard the last of her, Jeff. Trust me when I tell you... .she'll be back, however, You have a choice...
In my experience, going back several times in 3yrs, it always ended badly- (now we're NC) and each time it takes more of your broken heart and leaves your soul in despair.

Count your blessings she's gone. Look in the mirror and know that you have the ability to move forward and have a loving relationship with healthy attributes of each other weaving the fibers of the relationship. SHE NEVER WILL... .

Because they lack empathy, lack of closure is what cripples us. I learned to forgive him for he knows not what he does. They're not capable... .

Jeff, I feel for you, but, I also know you're strong and courageous... after all, you're here with all of us trying to navigate through the emotional pit of the effects of BPD...

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY... .and FULFILLED

I wish you peace of heart

[SoMadSoSad]

Jeff I was about to write this very post word for word. Thank you for sharing.

[amunt]

You need to forget her she will never come back... .
she will do the same to your replacement, will devalue him and move on to another man.
They need to have a new relationship every few years

[Jeff26]

You need to forget her she will never come back... .
she will do the same to your replacement, will devalue him and move on to another man.
They need to have a new relationship every few years

As if I haven't been trying to forget her... .



Thanks to the others for your responses.

[UnforgivenII]

He ghosted me and very likely replaced me and here he is again.
Not good. I am suffering.
They come back. Just a matter of time. But why do we allow them.

[Sadly]

Can give you nothing more than a big hug Jeff and know you have my sympathy as a fellow sufferer   x

[amunt]

You need to forget her she will never come back... .
she will do the same to your replacement, will devalue him and move on to another man.
They need to have a new relationship every few years

As if I haven't been trying to forget her... .



Thanks to the others for your responses.

We can found better womens out there bro, we dont need them.
 believe in yourself and take care

[Pretty Woman]

Jeff,
   #1-Facebook should really be called FAKEbook. Do you really think everything is all peachy and amazing with this new guy?

Likely not. But who posts all the crappy stuff on Facebook? Please do NOT use that as a gauge this new relationship is amazing and better than what you had.

If your ex truly is BPD there is no happy ending. Many follow very distinct patterns. Just because your replacement might last longer, that just might mean this guy is more passive and willing to take her bs.

None of this equates love. If she was fully capable of love there would have been proper closure and you would not be ruminating over her months later.

I know this is hard. I struggle with this too. 13mo out I can say I love her but do I? What do I love? This is someone who treated me horribly. Am I jealous of the replacement... .
hmm that's another story. I have realized it is more my ego talking.

Think about it, Jeff. You didn't lose the love of your life. You lost a broken doll on some poor sucker who will eventually fall victim to the same fate you did.

Now is your time to heal, to get YOU back. Keep posting!

[amunt]

Jeff,
   #1-Facebook should really be called FAKEbook. Do you really think everything is all peachy and amazing with this new guy?

Likely not. But who posts all the crappy stuff on Facebook? Please do NOT use that as a gauge this new relationship is amazing and better than what you had.

If your ex truly is BPD there is no happy ending. Many follow very distinct patterns. Just because your replacement might last longer, that just might mean this guy is more passive and willing to take her bs.

None of this equates love. If she was fully capable of love there would have been proper closure and you would not be ruminating over her months later.

I know this is hard. I struggle with this too. 13mo out I can say I love her but do I? What do I love? This is someone who treated me horribly. Am I jealous of the replacement... .
hmm that's another story. I have realized it is more my ego talking.

Think about it, Jeff. You didn't lose the love of your life. You lost a broken doll on some poor sucker who will eventually fall victim to the same fate you did.

Now is your time to heal, to get YOU back. Keep posting!

+1 this was a really nice post . But what if someone is totally passive? I believe they can last with someone like this for many years

[Pretty Woman]

Amunt,
    Ah ha! Great question!

I can also say from experience... .you can still be very passive and get shi_ on by the BPD. My ex's passive exes are now her enabler "friends". She uses them when she needs something and they are more than willing to "bend over" and take on that role. They are the people she triangulates new "loves" with and creates jealousy and chaos between.

Every ex my ex has dated she has cheated on. Every. Single. One... .including her former husband who tried to kill himself after the ordeal. The ones with strong personalities she ghosts because she doesn't want to have to take any responsibility for her actions. She actually speaks highly of these exes, the ones that absolutely hate her. The weaker ones she USES to her advantage and secretly (I believe) loathes.

Right now my ex is with someone who is very passive and insecure, a morbidly obese shy type who has a lot of money and takes care of her. ANYTHING will set my ex off. You need to be a mind reader to co-exist with her. I have met five of her exes... .all different personality types. There is NO way of gauging what will cause her to go off.

So in my opinion unless you are completely mute with the capacity to not feel or express your feelings... .EVER there is no success with a BPD regardless of how outgoing or passive you may be. They always end the same way... .just different time frames.

[amunt]

my ex is with someone who is very passive and insecure, a morbidly obese shy type who has a lot of money and takes care of her

This sound like great sex 
poor guy, she play with him

[Jeff26]

my ex is with someone who is very passive and insecure, a morbidly obese shy type who has a lot of money and takes care of her

This sound like great sex  
poor guy, she play with him

I find your replies odd and non-informative.

Just saying

[Sadly]

Don't worry Jeff, everyone reacts to hurt and pain in a different way. In your original post you have a lot of positive structured statements which is good. It seems what you have to get your head around is the HOW? yes? and the only way to answer that is to read everything you can about BPD and ask the questions here if you come up with something you don't get. It's what I have been doing for over a year now, don't let that worry you mind, I can be quite dense at times. Do you struggle with the emotional side of it at all ( my biggest failing) or is it the logical side? 

[Jeff26]

Don't worry Jeff, everyone reacts to hurt and pain in a different way. In your original post you have a lot of positive structured statements which is good. It seems what you have to get your head around is the HOW? yes? and the only way to answer that is to read everything you can about BPD and ask the questions here if you come up with something you don't get. It's what I have been doing for over a year now, don't let that worry you mind, I can be quite dense at times. Do you struggle with the emotional side of it at all ( my biggest failing) or is it the logical side? 

I struggle with the idea that I love her and she's with someone else and seemingly acts as if I never existed.

[Sadly]

Oh she knows you existed alright, still does for sure. At the moment she is still playing her "perfect life" game but I can assure you it won't be not for her or him. He will no doubt be going through all the what the heck moments you went through. If she acts as if you didn't exist that's exactly what it is, an act. The only way her poor brain can deal with emotion. They crave and fear love. I notice you say I love her and not I loved her. Have you tried the writing exercise? Make two lists, all the things you love/loved about her and then all the stuff you didn't love or even like about her. I found it really hard and cried a lot with my first list but my second one brought home a few home truths. Meanwhile, like I say, read as much as you can. The other thing I did which helped was go onto sites that are for people with BPD. Some are aware and in therapy and some are not. Very sad but very interesting and makes you very aware of their distorted perceptions which to them are actually the truth. I used to make the mistake of thinking my ex and I were on the same page talking about love and feelings and stuff. No way. I meant it for ever, he meant it forever at that moment. So very sad, hope this helps.   

[Pretty Woman]

Jeff, my replies?
Just curious.

If you are speaking about Amunt he has some good points. I think all anyone is doing is trying to help. We have all been through crap, this is a nice place to vent and hear others opinions.

[Rayban]

Jeff I feel for you and it's not easy when they just dissapear. I don't know what your relationship was like, but most BPD relationship envolve some form of dysfunction.  If that's not the case then I apologize.

Would you go back to her knowing she has the capacity to leave you for another man without further explanation?

  I think part of the difficulty here is that you're expecting a rational response from a person who is incapable of giving you one if she truly suffers from BPD. 

It's easy for me to say I wish mine would have dissapeared from my life.  I would have avoided the mind games and useless recycles that just kept me hooked. 

Best advice I could give you is work on yourself make positive changes.  If she does restablish contact you will be well prepared in what you want to do with that.  If she doesn't well you'll be that much more advanced in your recovery.

Hang in there mate.

[amunt]

I find your replies odd and non-informative

Dont be angry, we are in a same situation and i understand how you feel . I am 7 months in no contact with my ex.
I planned to marry her in the summer when she sudenly end the relationship and left me for another man,
she is already engaged and pregnant. I lost my job and also i lost my best friend (he died) before 2 months.

This friend was the only one who had for support in those difficult times because he was a mutual friend of both and he planned
to be groomsman in the wedding, i fought alone to save his life for 4 months when at the same time my ex had her holidays with her new boy.
She dont even come to his funeral, she continued the happy photos and holidays with her lover with zero empathy

Thats why i am odd, i dont want normal empathic people like you to suffer for them.
they dont deserve it, they will never change, they will never understand ... .

You will never find happyness with a borderline in your side
You maybe find happyness without the borderline
 

I choose to see the funny side out all of this because this way help me move on and will help you too, take care and sorry
if i offended you

[Jeff26]

I find your replies odd and non-informative

Dont be angry, we are in a same situation and i understand how you feel . I am 7 months in no contact with my ex.
I planned to marry her in the summer when she sudenly end the relationship and left me for another man,
she is already engaged and pregnant. I lost my job and also i lost my best friend (he died) before 2 months.

This friend was the only one who had for support in those difficult times because he was a mutual friend of both and he planned
to be groomsman in the wedding, i fought alone to save his life for 4 months when at the same time my ex had her holidays with her new boy.
She dont even come to his funeral, she continued the happy photos and holidays with her lover with zero empathy

Thats why i am odd, i dont want normal empathic people like you to suffer for them.
they dont deserve it, they will never change, they will never understand ... .

You will never find happyness with a borderline in your side
You maybe find happyness without the borderline
 

I choose to see the funny side out all of this because this way help me move on and will help you too, take care and sorry
if i offended you

You didn't offend me, man.

I'm in a funk this week & I guess the light hearted jokes just missed the mark with me.




I just can't believe that it's such a meaningful day to me (being the day that we first met 2 years ago) and yet, pure silence from her.

I don't know what I was expecting, I took myself out to dinner tonight and of course I couldn't help but notice the empty seat across the table where she should have been.


To comment on something "sadly" asked me... .

I say I love her instead of loved because I know that I do, I never stopped. I feel the same way about her that I always have; only now she is off with her new man and has never showed any sign of missing me.


The last words I heard her say was an answer to me asking if we could talk for a moment; she said "not right now."

Not right now... .that phrase about sums up the way she feels about me since her distancing a few month before the breakup.


If I didn't love her, I wouldn't feel the way I do right now.


I feel like I got conned.

[JerryRG]

Hey Jeff26

I would do the "pros and con" list

Last time I did it, wasn't long ago, I had no pros to list. Seriously after the fog lifts and we see them for who they are and not what we were lead on to believe and conned into seeing we can make realistic choices about what the relationship really was.

Lies, gaslighting, manipulation, mind games, on and on, I lost the power to even make the simplest of choices. I know now I wouldn't spit on my exgf if she were on fire.

She is worthless to me and to our son, she's bailed on him again and let him down so many times, why not? She's BPD, and narcissistic so she does what she wants, when she wants, however she wants. We can all rot in hell, her and her happiness are all that matter.

She abandoned him last year around this time of Nov, I told her I was done, I offered to watch our son alone as long as it took for her to seek help, get well and she choose to sleep and do nothing.

I kicked her out of my life, this time for good, do I love her? Not sure, does it matter what I want? Did she ever care about what I wanted? NO.

I see this now, it is the reality of our relationship, nothing more

My exgf is not someone I would want to be with, I have told her on many occasions over the last year that she possesses not one quality I need to consider someone my friend. Why would I want a serious relationship with such an immature, selfish liar?

Answer is, I wouldn't

So I choose to stay away from her, I cannot maintain my bounderies or my sanity if I have to be around her, I have learned that allowing toxic people into my life violates who I am and my respect for myself.

I will never learn who I am or what I want or even why I'm here if I allow myself to be distracted by the nonsense and drama of a person with BPD. I am not a doctor and I certainly cannot correct personality disorders even though I spent the last 4 years trying.

Enough is enough, I quit playing god.

My exgf is damaged way beyond anything I can help with.

I pray for her every day, that's all I got

For now my life is my son, my recovery, my sanity and happiness.

I hope you feel better Jeff26, I know in time you will

[Butterflies free]

Jeff,

What is it that you love about her?
Did she support you in your trying times?
Did she show patience, kindness and compassion?
Was she non judgmental or did she judge you?

Is it possible that you love the IDEA of her?
Love doesn't hurt. Loving the wrong people does.

It sounds like what you're going through is due to not having closure. The fact that she ended a relationship you were willing to put up with bc you "love" her. So, you're left standing there with a swollen heart filled with love and loving intentions toward her mixed with confusion, hurt and anger and you're left bewildered.

I thought I loved my exBPDbf... .then I realized i was just a "fill" for him... I realized he is incapable to love... .they don't love themselves, never mind anyone else.

[Sadly]

Hello again Jeff
Regarding conned. We all got conned I'm afraid. The way I see it is us nons got conned  by our BPDex partners because we believed that at last we had found the beautiful love we have all been waiting/longing for and our BPD partners got conned by their mental illness because they thought they had found it with us. Sadly once they realise we are just imperfect human beings and start to knock us off the pedestal they created for us the toxic tango begins. We however did not assume or look for perfection, rational people know that is ridiculous, those with BPD cannot do that. I often think of the horror of the first few times mine turned on me, cruel and viciously unkind, my disbelief and disappointment. I have come to believe that he felt exactly the same horror  when he realised I wasn't perfect. After learning about BPD my rational mind understood and tried to help. He didn't have a rational mind to help process his thoughts and feelings so of course I became the reason for his misery, he thinks I conned him, no shades of grey just black and white. They are not all the same, some BPD people can accept to a degree they have a problem and discuss getting help, mine can't and never will. I know I have to take my sadness and walk. I have learned much. These are only my opinions, others will differ and there is no wrong or right way. Sorry, I seem to be waffling on a bit. Luck with your healing my friend.

[Sadly]

Ps, sorry, the hug was s'posed to be at the end. 

[amunt]

You didn't offend me, man.

I'm in a funk this week & I guess the light hearted jokes just missed the mark with me.




I just can't believe that it's such a meaningful day to me (being the day that we first met 2 years ago) and yet, pure silence from her.

I don't know what I was expecting, I took myself out to dinner tonight and of course I couldn't help but notice the empty seat across the table where she should have been.


To comment on something "sadly" asked me... .

I say I love her instead of loved because I know that I do, I never stopped. I feel the same way about her that I always have; only now she is off with her new man and has never showed any sign of missing me.


The last words I heard her say was an answer to me asking if we could talk for a moment; she said "not right now."

Not right now... .that phrase about sums up the way she feels about me since her distancing a few month before the breakup.


If I didn't love her, I wouldn't feel the way I do right now.


I feel like I got conned.

They remember for sure but we are enemies for them now.
We are devalued and with their black and white thinking we are the worst in their mind
so they will not contact us.
The only way is if they fail in their new relationship but not sure either

But we must not want them back, you can trust her if she come back?
I can't trust someone who will flee away in the first difficult situation,
i cant trust an impulsive human.
So even if they come back nothing will be the same anymore, this relationship is finished

[Confused108]

So sorry Jeff you went thru this... .like we all did.  I know your in shock and disbelief. Like one day you and your ex were so in love and the next day it's over. No warning nothing. This is BPD at its finest. My ex was my childhood sweetheart. The love of my life. My mom broke us up and my ex went crazy. Her parents sent her to a mental hospital at 14 yo and she never got better. Only worse. When I tried getting back with her she at 1st was like yea then weeks later it was no I don't love u  and I was painted black.this was 1988.  I didn't hear from her until she found me on Facebook Feb 2013. I stupidly accepted her friends request. Right away she in a shuttle way tried to see where I stood with us but told her it was the past . So from Feb 2013 until last June 2015 she tried and tried until I broke  the end of last June 2015. Well from a woman whom I thought was normal  was far from it. She became this Diffrent person within days  of telling each other we still lived one another. Push/ Pull , lies, rages out of no where, crying jags etc.
Played me like a violin until she discarded me thru an email Sept 4 2015. I never loved you she said and don't know why I ever said that to you. So I k ow what your going  thru. We all do. Don't think for one min se is happy with your replacement. Facebook is not real. I call it Facebook.  It's a playground for BPDs so they can get their attention or new replacements. Your ex will soon be doing What she did to you to your replacement. It's only a matter of time. But be warned  she may try and recycle you. You have to ask yourself do you really want to go thru that again? Because this time will be worse. Be thankful your out. I know it sucks and hurts like hell but time does heal all wounds.

[Kelli Cornett]

Why does she owe you something? The relationship is over.

You sound very entitled.


Perhaps be grateful the man isn't you and leave it at that.

[Confused108]

Why does she owe you something? The relationship is over.

You sound very entitled.


Perhaps be grateful the man isn't you and leave it at that.

Wow ! Are you kidding? Maybe you haven't Been blindsided by a person with BPD? Or maybe your just there cheerleader section. You just joined here and this is what you say to a guy who clearly still loves this woman who put his heart thru a meat grinder? you got nerve

[Jeff26]

Why does she owe you something? The relationship is over.

You sound very entitled.


Perhaps be grateful the man isn't you and leave it at that.

Wow ! Are you kidding? Maybe you haven't Been blindsided by a person with BPD? Or maybe your just there cheerleader section. You just joined here and this is what you say to a guy who clearly still loves this woman who put his heart thru a meat grinder? you got nerve

Thanks you. I thought it would be best for me not to engage with this poster, and you've backed me up perfectly.

Yes she does owe me something.

If you actually knew me, you'd know that I am truly not even close to an entitled personality.

Sweet second post on a BPD forum btw 

[lovenature]

I know how painful the silence is; I have had about 4 months of it now, I am also at about 9 months NC on my end. When I went NC my ex., who lives across the street, would continually call, bang on my doors, loud childish behaviour for the neighbors to see.

I can tell you that I let my heart and feelings take over a number of times before my final commitment to remain NC, the recycles were bad enough, the "encounters" were awful; right away after, and then the next morning when I really felt the intense pain of my mistakes.

Keep reading and learning, I have found the more I understand this awful disorder, the more I am able to detach. PWBPD need an attachment to feel like they exist, then engulfment causes them to push you away ( the closer you get, the more you are pushed away ), leading to the worst thing ever for them-abandonment, so you are pulled back. When their fear of abandonment becomes too much, they either leave and go to a replacement, or like mine they desperately try to maintain an emotional attachment.
The result of staying in a BPD relationship without years of commitment to therapy is more pain for both partners.

Recovery is non-linear, I have also found it gets worse before it gets better; the really painful realizations for me happened when I shifted the focus to why I stayed in a toxic relationship.