Struggling

[Woods77]

I broke up with my pwBPD, a month or so ago and she moved out as managed to find somewhere fast.

After 2 years we have had a few suicide attempts, twice when I tried to leave. Depression for her and then toward the end depression for me and my own suicidal thoughts came. She went back to work, I have not gone back.

She started getting DBT therapy, then a few weeks in bizarrely had an affair planning to meet some guy off Internet and move in with him, saying she loved him. She came to her senses and didn't do it. However she gave a guilty confession one night, we were already in separate rooms as she doesn't sleep well or at least part of the reason.

That night I sat alone, wondering to leave right then. I had put up with the mental torture for a long time, the public humiliation, the hate, the love, yet this was the ultimate betrayal.

A few weeks before this at DBT therapy I went with her, I could hear it from outside the room as they used temporary offices. I didn't want to hear so I waited further away. As they came out I overheard the therapist say 'see he has gone you won't need to get rid of him now' or so I think, I'll never know.

She never really seemed sorry, more guilty. Then I was blamed for looking after her whilst she cried all day and didn't go out. Apparently it was all my fault, the low self esteem the therapist was my fault. I should have not helped, not gone to get food etc. Somehow I should have told or left a depressed suicdal person to go out alone even when they asked me to come.

I said we should split up, and we did. At first she was confused still trying to have hugs, awkwardness. She had two or three personalities, an innocent lovely person whom I'd never want to leave, a harsh abrupt, no empathy person often hard to like and finally the abusive, angry, no boundaries BPD.

She says now she feels better out of it. She's gone from being in bed crying, suicudal thoughts, regular self harm, low self esteem to having her own bedsit place, back to work, confidence.

Meanwhile I have no will to work, I am self employed and now I have a few months savings left and I'll have nothing. I need to decide whether to return back home or stay here. I'm depressed and feel I abandoned the innocent personality, those memories bring great pain. I think of trying to get her back but I see she is much better now without me, I let her go so she could live a better life, because she betrayed me, and yet I feel empty and alone now.

I don't know if I'll ever feel better and that worries me. I feel even though I lived on edge waiting for the next drama, now I wait for nothing and my mind is just full of painful memories of the good times and I think how did it all come to this.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Woods-

You're in a painful spot.  I understand.  A month is no time at all after a 2 year relationship, a month after I left my ex I was drunk all the time, not recommended, but these relationships and the getting over them is not easy, takes time, and there's plenty of time where we feel lost and unable to function.  But that will pass.  And the way you make it pass is by taking very good care of yourself, eating right, sleeping enough, exercising a little, spending time with people so you're not alone, and putting one foot in front of the other.

Have you considered a counselor, or are you part of a religious community you can turn to?  Sometimes we need help, sometimes we can't do it alone, and it's great your sharing here, this community can be a vital part of your recovery and healing, and getting local support is important too.

You posted about 15 hours ago; how are you doing now?

[Larmoyant]

Hi Woods, your  post is heart-wrending and  I can relate to so much of it. The different personas our partners seem to have that trigger differing and painful reactions in us and make us question whether to withdraw and protect ourselves or approach and try to help them. I also lost my job/career plans and have absolutely nothing left, but it's possible to start making small steps to rebuild yourself. I'm living proof, I'm doing it. As FHTH says it's still early days for you. It hurts and you're raw, but you can recover step by step. Reaching out to others is very important. Keep posting. You're not alone and have people who care here. 

[Woods77]

Thanks guys, I'm up and down, I am too alone really as I have no real friends now and my family are on holiday and live far away. So got to spend my birthday on my own too so that's making me more sad.

I thought I'd feel better breaking up with her? But I feel much worse and miss her a lot which I don't understand?

I'm thinking of counselling yes.

Everything is bad timing as I have a choice within 1 week (my rent lease expires) to either stay here and try get a job and spend all my savings or go home and keep my savings and try find a less good job there? I wish I knew what to do.

It's hard to try find a job when I feel so up and down but I'm trying

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks guys, I'm up and down, I am too alone really as I have no real friends now and my family are on holiday and live far away. So got to spend my birthday on my own too so that's making me more sad.

Well Happy Birthday from us Woods!

I think of trying to get her back but I see she is much better now without me, I let her go so she could live a better life, because she betrayed me, and yet I feel empty and alone now.

I thought I'd feel better breaking up with her? But I feel much worse and miss her a lot which I don't understand?

Do you really know she is much better now?  Borderlines are experts at painting facades, they have to be since they don't have a real self of their own; you might have noticed that when you were with her? 

And did you let her go so she could live a better life, because she betrayed you, or did you just let he go because she betrayed you?  Where you acting in your best interest or hers?

And yes, it is common to have a conflict between our heads and our hearts once these relationships end, where you know in your head that the relationship ending is a good thing, but your heart protests.  There's lots of value in discovering why that is, but for now, best to follow your head, do what you know is right, and eventually your heart will realign with it.

Everything is bad timing as I have a choice within 1 week (my rent lease expires) to either stay here and try get a job and spend all my savings or go home and keep my savings and try find a less good job there? I wish I knew what to do.

It's hard to try find a job when I feel so up and down but I'm trying

And it's an opportunity too right?  A chance to build a new future, one of your choosing?  I don't know what's right for you, but I do know that if you stay centered and focused on your future, the right path will reveal itself.

And while you're figuring it out you can lean on us; I notice you haven't posted that much, and you can build relationships here as you get your feet on the ground and build them in your world too.  Take care of you!

[lovenature]

Hi Woods, I know what it is like to have few friends; I am an introvert and have spent lots of time on my own. My 2 best friends right now are my dogs. When you get far enough out from your relationship, you may find time alone is peaceful.

I too struggle with wondering if I will ever recover; it is very tough to see any progress during this time, very easy to see any hurt. Take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time-look after yourself.

[C.Stein]

Meanwhile I have no will to work, I am self employed and now I have a few months savings left and I'll have nothing.

I totally get this as I am in the same boat and have very nearly driven my business into the ground as a result of the fallout from my relationship.  I have lost almost all of my motivation and energy to work.  My ex also worked with me for a little while so whenever I work I am also working with her ghost, which doesn't help at all. 

I'm depressed and feel I abandoned the innocent personality, those memories bring great pain. I think of trying to get her back but I see she is much better now without me, I let her go so she could live a better life, because she betrayed me, and yet I feel empty and alone now.

I have had many of these same feelings and thoughts ... .and still do to some extent.  The thing I have to keep reminding myself of is this.  Her instability is caused by emotional intimacy.  The closer she got to me the more unstable she was.  As I emotionally withdrew to a "safe" distance she stabilized somewhat.  This is likely what you are seeing now with your ex.  It has nothing to do with you directly, it has to do with her being in a place with little to no emotional risk.

I don't know if I'll ever feel better and that worries me. I feel even though I lived on edge waiting for the next drama, now I wait for nothing and my mind is just full of painful memories of the good times and I think how did it all come to this.

Yes, it will be like this for a while.  Try to pair every good memory with a bad one.  This will help you keep a balanced perspective on the whole thing.