I can't deal with this any longer

[Firebird]

Hi all

I haven't updated in a bit, and last I posted was that my exBPDh and I were due to meet up for the last time before he goes overseas for an indeterminate amount of time.

Well, we met up and did the goodbye thing. He said he planned to contact me on my birthday (tomorrow) and then about a week after returning to his home country(not that I can count on any of this). He flies out on Thursday.

Anyway, so the 'goodbye' was last Thursday. Now it's Tues evening and a few hours ago I got the following random msg from him:

"I will miss you still. My 3rd person email may sound insane, but I do believe it. I destroy. Sometimes slowly sometimes quickly, but surely. You deserve so much much better than me. I know you decide that for yourself... .just thats how I see it. Take care"

As for the 3rd person email he referred to, 4 days after her left he sent an email which was 95 per cent written in third person. 'He is the destroyer and as long as the relationship continues, he will always be the destroyer and you will always be the mender' kind of stuff.

I had instant anxiety when I saw this msg. Have not responded. Will not respond. But seriously, what the heck?

[bestintentions]

Firebird,

I don't know your whole story but that sounds like a moment of clarity to me and I would read it as such.  During the waning moments of my marriage when I was desperately trying to save it, I received similar texts from my stbxBPDw.  Referred to herself as "toxic", "poison", "a child", etc.  She also said that I "deserved better" and I now see that as a huge red flag.  I'd heard it years before but didn't listen, desperate to continue taking care of her and in the process becoming codependent.

You'll have to ask yourself - do I want to be with someone who will knowingly "destroy"?

Keep posting,

bi

[WendyDavid]

Hi Firebird

Your ex is saying things to you that my husband says everyday.  The "I want to stay/You better go" thing is exhausting.  Not too long ago during a calm moment between us, he said to me that whenever he says that I'd be better off without him, I should interpret that to mean that he is scared.  We discussed how he fears that abandonment is inevitable and that he is just a body that will exist until he expires.  He believes that I have great ability and that I will have a better life as soon as he is gone.  He says leaving is his way of protecting someone he loves from himself, who is a horrible man.  He thinks he is horrible because his body needs to drink alcohol, eat unhealthy food a lot, have risky and abusive sex, spend tons of money, etc in order to feel good.  His self esteem is so low that he thinks that taking the steps to feel better is impossible because he really believes his body and mind are incapable. 

Of course no amount of logic helps him believe any differently.  He has his moments when the need to be loved overtakes the feeling of helplessness and he wants to be my partner again.  I've been told by his therapist that my husband may not be able to pick "stay" or "go" and stick to it.  The therapist implied that if I put a condition on allowing him to stay or forcing him to go, I should be prepared for my husband to break the condition.

P.S. Its my amateur opinion that the 3rd person way of writing is a way to remove himself from blame.  My husband doesn't do the 3rd person thing, but he never truly takes responsibility for anything he has destroyed.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Firebird-

I agree with WendyDavid: the 3rd person thing is a way to disconnect from emotions that are too strong to deal with.  He doesn't want to be the "destroyer" because it causes him to feel shame, and doesn't see a choice, so writing it as someone else avoids that a little.  A little credit for honesty though, as convoluted as it is.

I had instant anxiety when I saw this msg. Have not responded. Will not respond. But seriously, what the heck?

That's all you need to know really: reading messages from him equals anxiety.  We have a desire to retain a connection with someone we are or were emotionally enmeshed with and connected to, although these relationships are unstable enough, and it escalates near and at the end, so best thing is to make a decision; what's the goal?  If the goal is to emotionally detach from him, grieve the loss of the relationship, process the emotions, and build an awesome future, continued messages from him will get in the way of that, so it might be best to do what you have to do to not get them yes?

Take care of you!