20 days NC and counting

[snowmonkey]

Well, it has been so long since I posted on here... .

In summary, my exBPDgf broke up with me about 3 months ago (it was a 3 and half year relationship), during much I which I considered leaving her many times but always ended up staying and accepting her behaviour. The next two and a half months were hell on earth, including her going to the UK to have sex with a much older guy and his mates, her continually push/pulling, her violent assault of me, her having sex with me and moments later logging on to her online dating account, her writing me a letter to say what a terrible person I am and generally being extremely (verbally and emotionally abusive). All the while she was blaming me for the break-up, accusing me of abusing her and I was doing nothing but treat her with love, extreme generosity, kindness and care. All in all, it was a period of BPD extremes. One moment she was lovely to me, the next she was evil.

Severe signs of depression started within me and so I started seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. On one particular morning we woke up and had sex, then I dropped her to work. When I picked her up from work we went for lunch and whilst at lunch she completely lost it with me and started raging "because" I kissed her on the forehead. I knew the real reason was that she had organised a date the following day with a guy from her dating site and was anxious/stressed about that. She demanded that she go to my psychiatrist appointment that afternoon so that she could tell them how I "really" was, so that she could tell them how "abusive" I was to her and that she could get me into a treatment program to get better. She purposely wore her uniform and lanyard to the appointment because, get this; she is a mental health nurse!

When we got into the appointment I just told the whole truth about what had been happening and that 2 psychiatrist have diagnosed her with BPD but she refuses to accept their diagnosis. She stormed out of the appointment after 10 minutes and waited outside. After the appointment, I drive her to another mental health hospital where her d18 is currently a patient and she tells me she will never speak to me again. She remains quiet for the rest of the hour long drive.

I have had no contact with her whatsoever in that time (20 days ago), I refuse to log onto FB and have not made any attempt at any kind of direct or indirect contact.

I am in such pain, I am having huge panic attacks, I can't get to work, I can't be away from my phone in case she calls, my sleep is terrible and full of nightmares, I've gone from 80kgs to 64kgs and I can't stop thinking about how my life has gone from bad (whilst we were together) to excrutiating.

I have been trying my best to fight the depression, doing positive things, a little exercise, trying to eat good foods, taking French lessons, booked a 6 week trip to Paris over the new year, renovating my house, rented a room out to a lodger, spending time with family and friends, taking anti-depressants, seeing a psych, taking motorbike lessons etc... .But every single day feels like a life and death struggle to get my life back, to try to get her out of my mind, to not think about what she is doing and who she is with now. My mind is constantly filled with terrible thoughts from the moment I awake to the moment I am finally asleep (and also whilst I sleep too).

I'm fairly sure I'm suffering from some PTSD like illness after all that has happened in the last three and a half years and I really don't know how much longer I can continue like this.

[Larmoyant]

Hi snowmonkey, others more knowledgeable than me will help you soon, but I just wanted to say it's such early days for you so please don't lose hope. I'm 8 months out now and it's got better, truly. I was where you are now, nightmares, heart racing, extreme depression and anxiety. At first it felt worse being out of the relationship than in it. It takes time to come down from that kind of stress and become calm and balanced again. Continue what you are doing and as time goes by you'll have more and more moments when you feel ok. It might not seem like it now, I didn't believe it at first, but you will. Detaching from them seems like you're going through hell, just like the relationship was, only it will eventually stop hurting so much. Unfortunately,  there's no quick fix. Just take one step at a time, one moment at a time even, and you'll get there. I know how painful it all is, but you're going to be ok really.   

[thisagain]

Hi Snowmonkey,

Sounds like you've been through the wringer lately! 20 days is a very short period of time compared to 3+ years. As painful as it is now, I want to echo Larmoyant's promise that it will get easier with time. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes we can make it worse by forcing ourselves to do too much, too soon. If you look at the "Stages of Detaching" on the right, there's a reason why "Creative Action" is step 4 and not step 1. It's wonderful to feel interest in and pursue new things, but you also don't need to force it or use it to suppress your feelings. Sometimes it's much easier to work through the feelings when we recognize and honor them instead of fighting or suppressing.

What do the psychologist and psychiatrist think about the panic attacks, weight loss, disruption of work etc? That is serious stuff that might require more frequent or intensive treatment. I ended up having to use antianxiety medications short-term at a couple points during my relationship and breakup. I only took them for two or three nights to sleep, but at the time it felt like a lifesaver.

Hang in there! You can get through this.