Just learning about BPD

[bewildered.hk]

I thought my wife was an alcoholic for a long time - she used to drink alone at home till she passed out/vomitted. We had some rows about it and both retreated into silence. Then last year she became even more distant with me and our kids. Instead of drinking alone at home - she went out more and more with anonymous friends - the more she did that the more I was upset. instead of confronting her early and letting her know - i gave her space (in order to avoid conflict). Then my concerns changed from being concerned about her drinking to concerns about infidelity - loads of red flags - secret facebook account, constantly texting, hiding her phone etc - i confronted her but she denied. However things came to a head when i found my car parked outside a strange house at 1am on a Sunday night (after we had a family day out - with no arguments etc) - then other information came through about who she was contacting etc. I told her that i could not accept the current situation and that she would have to choose to commit to the family or move out.

She has chosen to move out and effectively abandon the kids (who miss her terribly).

I am flipping between thoughts that i blew up the situation rashly and thoughts that i have done the correct thing for my sanity and the best thing for the kids.

It was only after all this has happened that by chance i started to learn about BPD - she has all the classic symptoms: Broken Home from a young age, series of failed relationships; self loathing to a degree; self pity; abusing alchohol and drugs; impulsiveness; and an almost socio-path attitude to not caring about the hurt and destruction that she leaves behind in friendships and me and the kids.

Its still the early stages of separation - with help she might recover and we might recover - but i dont hold out much hope unless - she comes to the self realisation of her condition. What will not help is I am sure she is in the honeymoon stage of another relationship with someone else. She wont see any sense - and that is feeding her impulsiveness and excitement, adrenaline rush. Even though its causing her kids misery and harm (the same harm that she no doubt went through as a kid).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Circle]

Hello,
Welcome to the boards! I'm not an expert; though there are some on here. And, they will probably have some good introspective questions for you to ask yourself. My understanding, is that you set a boundary:

"I told her that i could not accept the current situation and that she would have to choose to commit to the family or move out." -Bewildered

And, from what you have written, it sounds to me, like it was based in real events. Also, it seems like a fair choice to have made. You stood strong and made a stand. I'd guess that you need to clarify, in your mind, more specifics about that boundary. What does she need to do, in order to qualify for a return? If she does return, what are acceptable limits to her actions? For example: is it a boundary that she needs to spend the night at home?

Now that you know how she is, can you accept her for who she is; which may possibly be fundamental character traits?

It's quite possible that she will return, when she needs you. People w/ BPD often do return. A process that is called recycling. You may know those facts already. At any rate, deciding what your boundaries will be, and preparing are good ideas. I've learned the most, from reading other member's posts and replying when I feel there is something to add. We are all here to help each other.
As always, review the tools in the margin to the right. >>>>

Take extra good care of yourself, while dealing with these events!