Broke NC on her birthday, now I think we are coming back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

To quickly sum up, I'v been on the Detaching board for 3 months or so, my exBPDgf and I broke up around that time and I was grieving and starting to get better when her birthday came up this Monday and I broke NC. I sent her a huge text telling her how I felt about her and what she meant to me. It was like an H-Bomb of ego boost, it was simply meant to get those things off my chest and to make her feel good on her day, for her to know her value and not feel bad when she had her episodes.

I didn't know what to expect, but her reply was pretty much the only thing I didn't expect. She said she was shaking and in tears, that I had made her so happy with it, said I was the sweetest man she had ever met and that she missed me, dreamed about me and many more things, it was a big text too.

That was yesterday, we spoke quite a bit around noon and didn't speak after that. Later on at night I dreamed about her and when I woke up today I reached her again and we talked again... .When I got home from the university I reached out to her again, I was thinking a lot about her and I sent her a music that was in my head I knew she liked, we started talking, this time even more personal, about what went wrong and what we could have done different, she then sent me a text that left me in awe:

"I was so scared, afraid of getting hurt, loosing you or you deceiving me... .hiding me things. I was very nosy? (she made a type and I didn't get it) and in the last moments it was ever more increasing, because the relationship was bad. Now I know you tried, I see that now.

I tried to support myself in you, as if my happiness or well being depended on you and if you didn't do what I wanted or what I had in mind I wouldn't tell you what you should have done or I would close myself up and shut down... .For this dependence I wouldn't tolerate anything,  even if you took long to reply my messages, as if I depended on that to be well and only that mattered. But it's not like that, we need to have someone who adds up on us, that overflows us and that doesn't limit us."

She never displayed this level of self awareness before it actually looks like she is taking responsibility of things. At the same time though, I still see her trying to manipulate me, she lied to me again. She changed her status to "Oh $h%&" today and I saw it when we began talking and I felt as it was like she was getting over me and when I said happy birthday she started to miss me again, she had a quote status before "A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions", when I asked about her new status, she gave me a bs excuse that anyone would see it was a lie, I told her she didn't need to lie and told her the impression I had gotten, that maybe I was hurting her by talking to her, she kept on with the initial lie, so I didn't bother. Second lie was that I saw her on Tinder a few weeks back and I had a breakdown, I didn't know what to do and I didn't like or dislike her, I left it on for a while until I figured out what to do, when I came back she was gone, I also went thru all the girls within a 20mile radius for days and never found her again, so I knew she had disliked me, which was of course ok and what I should have done too since we broke up. When I told her this today, about Tinder, she denied finding me there and that she had used it to search me up and talk to me, as in a provocation or to talk to me, if she wanted to talk to me she has my contact on all social media as well as my home and cellphone, so again, absurd, she never tried to reach me, I confronted her again, being nice, told her there was no reason to lie, that it was ok and that I knew she had disliked me, she kept on the initial lie and wouldn't change it. When we are talking she also sent me a picture of us where she was almost completely nude, that was so mean, I wanted to go to her place at that instant, I said eff so many times when I saw that, I think we are close to the point of no return, I don't think I can't not go back now. Another thing I noticed when we were talking is that she mentioned I would let her get hungry, I immediately corrected her and said "let's get healthy here, I think you meant, you would get hungry". She also mentioned that she acted like a child before.

I don't know what to do. I'm getting so much better, I'm almost good by myself, more confident, happy even, defending myself and not doing things when I don't want to, I don't seek/need approval, my opinion is enough, I'm scared to crawl back to my old codependent state, but I really miss her and if she really knows her problems and wanted to work on them, I want to get back to her.

[Hlinthewiking]

To quickly sum up, I'v been on the Detaching board for 3 months or so, my exBPDgf and I broke up around that time and I was grieving and starting to get better when her birthday came up this Monday and I broke NC. I sent her a huge text telling her how I felt about her and what she meant to me. It was like an H-Bomb of ego boost, it was simply meant to get those things off my chest and to make her feel good on her day, for her to know her value and not feel bad when she had her episodes.

I didn't know what to expect, but her reply was pretty much the only thing I didn't expect. She said she was shaking and in tears, that I had made her so happy with it, said I was the sweetest man she had ever met and that she missed me, dreamed about me and many more things, it was a big text too.

That was yesterday, we spoke quite a bit around noon and didn't speak after that. Later on at night I dreamed about her and when I woke up today I reached her again and we talked again... .When I got home from the university I reached out to her again, I was thinking a lot about her and I sent her a music that was in my head I knew she liked, we started talking, this time even more personal, about what went wrong and what we could have done different, she then sent me a text that left me in awe:

"I was so scared, afraid of getting hurt, loosing you or you deceiving me... .hiding me things. I was very nosy? (she made a type and I didn't get it) and in the last moments it was ever more increasing, because the relationship was bad. Now I know you tried, I see that now.

I tried to support myself in you, as if my happiness or well being depended on you and if you didn't do what I wanted or what I had in mind I wouldn't tell you what you should have done or I would close myself up and shut down... .For this dependence I wouldn't tolerate anything,  even if you took long to reply my messages, as if I depended on that to be well and only that mattered. But it's not like that, we need to have someone who adds up on us, that overflows us and that doesn't limit us."

She never displayed this level of self awareness before it actually looks like she is taking responsibility of things. At the same time though, I still see her trying to manipulate me, she lied to me again. She changed her status to "Oh $h%&" today and I saw it when we began talking and I felt as it was like she was getting over me and when I said happy birthday she started to miss me again, she had a quote status before "A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions", when I asked about her new status, she gave me a bs excuse that anyone would see it was a lie, I told her she didn't need to lie and told her the impression I had gotten, that maybe I was hurting her by talking to her, she kept on with the initial lie, so I didn't bother. Second lie was that I saw her on Tinder a few weeks back and I had a breakdown, I didn't know what to do and I didn't like or dislike her, I left it on for a while until I figured out what to do, when I came back she was gone, I also went thru all the girls within a 20mile radius for days and never found her again, so I knew she had disliked me, which was of course ok and what I should have done too since we broke up. When I told her this today, about Tinder, she denied finding me there and that she had used it to search me up and talk to me, as in a provocation or to talk to me, if she wanted to talk to me she has my contact on all social media as well as my home and cellphone, so again, absurd, she never tried to reach me, I confronted her again, being nice, told her there was no reason to lie, that it was ok and that I knew she had disliked me, she kept on the initial lie and wouldn't change it. When we are talking she also sent me a picture of us where she was almost completely nude, that was so mean, I wanted to go to her place at that instant, I said eff so many times when I saw that, I think we are close to the point of no return, I don't think I can't not go back now. Another thing I noticed when we were talking is that she mentioned I would let her get hungry, I immediately corrected her and said "let's get healthy here, I think you meant, you would get hungry". She also mentioned that she acted like a child before.

I don't know what to do. I'm getting so much better, I'm almost good by myself, more confident, happy even, defending myself and not doing things when I don't want to, I don't seek/need approval, my opinion is enough, I'm scared to crawl back to my old codependent state, but I really miss her and if she really knows her problems and wanted to work on them, I want to get back to her.

[JohnLove]

Hello Hlinthewiking, I am concerned for you and I want to share those concerns with you.

Firstly, the "response" you had recieved could have been initiated by her before her birthday, could it not?

Regardless of who initiated, it sounds like the pure idealisation that is Phase 1 of a BPD relationship.

You contacted her on her birthday. You are now painted white. I suspect this will not last.

There is about 5c worth of self awareness in her subsequent text (which you believe is impressive for her) but it is undermined by the glaring lack of any remorse, empathy, or APOLOGY for her role in things. I mean of course you tried. I don't doubt that for a second, but here she is belatedly acknowledging you... .from 6 months ago. 

Head games over something as simple as a status that she posted herself. Her reasoning. "Anyone" would see it as a lie?... .is that how she percieve's herself?... .that might be her truth in there.

My take on the Tinder "thing"... .she tried to find herself a replacement (before any time for healing or self reflection took place) and maybe it hasn't happened for her. I take into account her overreaction to your birthday text. She probably feels shame attached to that particular failure (if it is) and that behaviour isn't exactly conducive to how she is telling you she feels about you now.

The nearly nude pic was an attempt by her to overrun any misgivings you may have in being recycled. Sounds like it worked too. People suffering from BPD can be manipulative beyond words. Know that much.

You let her get hungry?... .I know you know this is silly and not your responsibility, but this tactic will still appeal to the caregiver in you. She is working it.

My take on all this. You are trying to believe in her and all I see is too many mirrors and too much smoke.

If you are at the point of no return and allow yourself to be recycled, you may come to realize she is just blowing smoke up your a**.

This may send you backwards in your healing... .although maybe there is more you can learn from her.

Sorry to be blunt. But you asked for guidance and I feel you need a reality check. You are being pulled (as in push/pull) and most of us here knows what comes next.

Proceed with extreme caution.

[C.Stein]

but I really miss her

What do you miss?  Be very specific and dig deep for qualities that are conducive to a long term healthy relationship.  Good sex does not count.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hlinth, I echo those above and suggest that you tread carefully here.  Your post sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself that getting back together is a good idea.  Are you trying to convince yourself?  Worth thinking about.

LuckyJim

[Icanteven]

What do you miss... .  Good sex does not count.

But there's so much bad sex out there!  Like, a ton of really, really, really bad sex. 

You're right though; hot sex doesn't count as a reason.  Maybe.  I think.

No, no, it doesn't.  Pretty sure.

On a serious note, remember that the sex was great because YOU made it great too.  There are stable women who are good in bed. It's a a real thing believe it or not. 

[Lucky Jim]

Icanteven, I have a friend who says there is no such thing as "bad sex"!   

Assuming that's true, I would say that there is such a thing as "better sex"!   

Sorry to get briefly off track, Hlinth.  Bring us up-to-date when you can.

LJ

[Hlinthewiking]

but I really miss her

What do you miss?  Be very specific and dig deep for qualities that are conducive to a long term healthy relationship.  Good sex does not count.

Well, 24h later and I'm having a hard time answering this... Are you sure sex doesn't count  ? Well... .the best thing in her is actually in me, it's the feelings I have for her. About her qualities, I'd say she's faithful (I'm pretty sure), you sure about the sex thing again?... .  , I like everything about her but her illness, when she's stable, she's my dream, we like the same things, we get along great, she's funny... .I'm having a real hard time answering this aren't I?... .This isn't good.

Thanks for the support, really. JohnLove's and C.Stein's replies left me wondering the whole day.

I don't think I got good news, those absurd excuses about the Tinder and the status actually don't sound so absurd anymore... .Now I'm not sure if she lied or not, I was so convinced that she did, oh man, my head is an utter mess, I'm already second guessing myself, she's so convincing.

Oh man, is there bad sex out there? Trust me, yes, there is hah, specially for me, I'm not that easy to please.

Yes, I may be trying to convince myself, not really sure, my thought was that I was taking in account the pros and cons of coming back, how I feel about her weighs in a ton, I'm definitely not jumping gun for sure, we haven't seen each other yet, we'v only been talking and I think that says a lot about how stable I'm right now.

I'v talked to my therapist yesterday, I was looking forward to it since we only talk once a week and he didn't even know about me breaking NC yet. His reaction was pretty surprising though, after we talked, he agreed that I had improved a lot since we broke up and he really trusts my judgment. He said that despite my fast progress, it was because of how much effort I was putting into it, because of my interests in psychology and that my problem was easier to solve then my exBPDgf, she also didn't do therapy or worked as hard as I did during this time so she likely could not have changed that much, but that maybe there was more I could learn from her if I was still indecisive about letting her go.

I'm afraid it will be hard not to see her this weekend and if I don't it may trigger her, but I won't bother about those things, I'll do what I think it's best.