She was on best behavior last night

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

All went fine at church dinner and Wed night classes.

I've picked up an interesting class at church that I will be doing for next 6-7 weeks.  The class is about determining your priorities as a man.  Organizing and putting those down on paper and then comparing how you spend your time with your priorities.

My hope is that this class will help me focus more on what matters (launching emotionally healthy kids into the world) and focus less on the crazyness that comes along with having a paranoid person in your house.

FF

[formflier]

All went fine at church dinner and Wed night classes.

I've picked up an interesting class at church that I will be doing for next 6-7 weeks.  The class is about determining your priorities as a man.  Organizing and putting those down on paper and then comparing how you spend your time with your priorities.

My hope is that this class will help me focus more on what matters (launching emotionally healthy kids into the world) and focus less on the crazyness that comes along with having a paranoid person in your house.

FF

[KateCat]

My hope is that this class will help me focus more on what matters (launching emotionally healthy kids into the world) and focus less on the crazyness that comes along with having a paranoid person in your house.

  Earlier you wrote of identifying the "chest wound" in your family and tending to it. . . . May I call your psychologist "The Miracle Worker?"

[formflier]

Somehow I need to get less invested in and aware of boundary enforcement... .put that more and more on automatic.  Basically just do it.

And more invested in other things such as leading my family to a better view of themselves and their world.

Is the world a confusing and sometimes dangerous place that you can "make a difference in"... .a difference for good.

or

Is the world a confusing and sometimes dangerous place that needs to be avoided, that is scary and has control over your life... .

Having a good day at home alone today, reading... .thinking about things and trying to take good care of me.  About to go out for lunch... .just because. 

Going back to my original thought.  Perhaps there is still a distrust or unbelief that boundaries can really protect what matters.  Perhaps there is still shock that my wife will continue to test my boundaries. 

What would my life be like once I get to the point that a boundary enforcement is barely noticed (by me anyway) versus now when I'm still sort of offended (or take it personally).

Big thoughts... .nice day here. 

FF

[MaybeSo]

Perhaps there is still shock that my wife will continue to test my boundaries. 

What would my life be like once I get to the point that a boundary enforcement is barely noticed (by me anyway) versus now when I'm still sort of offended (or take it personally).

Good questions!

I've struggled with similar.

One quote that has stuck with me for years now is by Al Turtle, a very seasoned, older psychologist (I believe he has a military background, too ?)  that has a website were he shares his years of wisdom in working with couples. 

"All people are chronically disobedient---learn to live with it."

[empath]

Perhaps there is still shock that my wife will continue to test my boundaries.

What is behind the 'shock' that she continues to violate your boundaries? Is there an idea that it 'should' be different, that she 'should' be different?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ff, what was the difference?  Why was she on best behavior?  LJ

[Notwendy]

FF real change takes time.

It may be that your wife isn't consistent with her moods/behavior. It may fluctuate with her cycle ( which is likely fluctuating now too ).

Most people are not on their best behavior all the time. People get tired, hungry, stressed.

One week after the incident last week isn't enough time for significant change. Why she was on her best behavior one night is anyone's guess. But a real change in your relationship will be in how the two of you interact as your moods fluctuate. It isn't that your wife is being good or not good. It is that the two of you have good times and can navigate the rougher times. It is also that, so long as you are comfortable with the boundaries- she can feel pissy sometimes and it is OK. So can you.

Also keep in mind that while "good behavior" is a good think in general, people can behave well for a variety of reasons. She might be scared, or upset about what happened and still be on her best behavior.

Believe it or not ,even pwBPD can WOE if they are afraid of the consequences of upsetting their partner.

Can there be space in your home for the two of you to be who you are, even as your moods fluctuate? You mentioned needing accommodations for your disability and sleep hygiene. Your wife could need a safe space for when she is feeling moody like the other day.I don't mean a physical space necessarily, but some emotional space where it isn't required she be on top of her behavior all the time.

Some people test boundaries. It is who they are. They need firm, but kind and consistent boundaries.

[formflier]

Hey ff, what was the difference?  Why was she on best behavior?  LJ

I certainly don't want to start thinking that I "caused" her to be on best behavior.  I upheld my boundary... .things went from there.

So... who knows.  The difference in her demeanor was huge.

I enjoyed it... and haven't brought up last week.  Don't plan to unless she ever brings it up again.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

I upheld my boundary... .things went from there.  So... who knows.  The difference in her demeanor was huge.

Hey ff, well done.  Boundary enforcement with a pwBPD is an ongoing project, in my view, so keep up the good work and continue to protect those boundaries, which are likely to be challenged again soon.

LJ