Being drunk never helps...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys,

I'm having a rough night. I cannot believe it's been more than a year and I can still feel like I miss my ex - someone who devastated me in ways that I've never been devastated before. Like so many on here, I was left reeling after I was discarded like nothing more than an empty wrapper after three years of a very intense relationship that was heading for marriage. He was engaged within six weeks of us breaking up - after being the love of his life, the one he wanted to spend the right of his life with etc, etc, etc.

I'm proud of myself for having the guts to return to 'our' city - I call it ours, but it isn't really either of ours. We're both from different countries, but we met here. We left to travel two years ago and well, my relationship with the city seems to have endured longer than my relationship with him.

I've been doing okay, although I do have my moments. Being back here has been difficult, but I'm glad I returned.However, tonight I've had a little too much to drink. I'm not even drunk in the way I used to get drunk; I'm still in control of my actions etc. But I hate that I was missing him. I know it's the alcohol talking, but why do I still feel this way? It doesn't help that I haven't even kissed someone else since we broke up, let alone anything else, and I wonder if that has a lot to do with it. I couldn't even look at another guy until recently.

I'm posting because for the first time in a long time I had a sudden urge to get in touch with him, which I know would be nothing other than a disaster, so I won't. He's married now for goodness sake. I just wish I could move on once and for all.

[Hopeful83]

Hi guys,

I'm having a rough night. I cannot believe it's been more than a year and I can still feel like I miss my ex - someone who devastated me in ways that I've never been devastated before. Like so many on here, I was left reeling after I was discarded like nothing more than an empty wrapper after three years of a very intense relationship that was heading for marriage. He was engaged within six weeks of us breaking up - after being the love of his life, the one he wanted to spend the right of his life with etc, etc, etc.

I'm proud of myself for having the guts to return to 'our' city - I call it ours, but it isn't really either of ours. We're both from different countries, but we met here. We left to travel two years ago and well, my relationship with the city seems to have endured longer than my relationship with him.

I've been doing okay, although I do have my moments. Being back here has been difficult, but I'm glad I returned.However, tonight I've had a little too much to drink. I'm not even drunk in the way I used to get drunk; I'm still in control of my actions etc. But I hate that I was missing him. I know it's the alcohol talking, but why do I still feel this way? It doesn't help that I haven't even kissed someone else since we broke up, let alone anything else, and I wonder if that has a lot to do with it. I couldn't even look at another guy until recently.

I'm posting because for the first time in a long time I had a sudden urge to get in touch with him, which I know would be nothing other than a disaster, so I won't. He's married now for goodness sake. I just wish I could move on once and for all.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hopeful, Sounds like drinking and dialing, so-to-speak, though he's married and unavailable.  It's normal to feel lonely, in my view, but that doesn't mean you should return to the BPD Cave of the Minotaur.  LJ

[joeramabeme]

Sorry to hear all this Hopeful, it really is deeply saddening.  I share in your feelings of pain and loss - especially around the discard.  Drinking and Dialing as LJ said is never a good idea and thankfully you did not.

What do you think you need to patch the hole in your soul? It has been 10 months since my divorce.  I am better but there are still some rough patches.  During these times I ask myself, what do I need?  I try to get into the details a little bit because I know that even if she knocked on the door tomorrow and asked to come back - we would still have the same issues that made it unworkable to begin with. 

My answer to that question is that I need to search out a way to fulfill the dreams that I had planned with her.  I am so much older now and recovering is taking longer than I would like.  I tried to remove the idea of chasing my dreams and that about pushed me over the edge entirely.  So, with faint spirit, I keep trying to move forward.  Looking back for too long, especially now that I am older, just isn't going to get me anywhere I want to be.

What about you?  Do you have an idea of what your life goals are?

[Hopeful83]

Hey Hopeful, Sounds like drinking and dialing, so-to-speak, though he's married and unavailable.  It's normal to feel lonely, in my view, but that doesn't mean you should return to the BPD Cave of the Minotaur.  LJ

Hi LuckyJim

Thanks for taking the time to reply; I was really low last night so it was nice to wake up to these responses.

I have no intention to return, thankfully. I don't have his number anymore anyway; although I know where I can easily get it from, I have no intention of going down that road. This guy showed me ZERO consideration or compassion, and regardless of his circumstances at the time I deserved to be treated way better than the way I was treated by both him and his bigoted family.

I just felt so incredibly lonely, though. It was a low point. I won't be drinking again until I know I am in a stronger place.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

What do you think you need to patch the hole in your soul?

My answer to that question is that I need to search out a way to fulfill the dreams that I had planned with her.  I am so much older now and recovering is taking longer than I would like.  I tried to remove the idea of chasing my dreams and that about pushed me over the edge entirely.  So, with faint spirit, I keep trying to move forward.  Looking back for too long, especially now that I am older, just isn't going to get me anywhere I want to be.

What about you?  Do you have an idea of what your life goals are?

Hi joeramabeme,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through, but I admire you for not giving up and for looking forward. It's so hard - and like you said, it's the loss of the dreams that hurts so much. And the fact he's actually fulfilling them with someone else stings badly.

You ask very good questions. I started writing another novel (I wrote one last year a few months after the breakup and although I haven't even edited it, it was such a big achievement for me, especially considering what I'd just been through) and in this one I'm drawing a lot on my very unique experiences last year. It helps for me to focus on this as much as I can, because now when I find myself feeling upset or angry towards them all, I just think to myself "it's okay, I'm writing my book," and it helps.

But I'm realising it's not enough. I still want to meet someone, settle down and have a family some day, and I guess another thing I'm realising is that I need to make sure I'm out and about doing the things that make my soul sing in order to attract and meet the right partner. I will not find this in a bar - getting drunk last night made me miserable. So I guess I'm being shown over and over again that this is the path I need to be on. I am responsible for my own happiness, overall, and that's a very valuable lesson I learnt the hard way. So now whenever I feel a bit despondent I just say to myself "Well, Hopeful, it's up to you to design a life that makes you happy - so what are you going to do about it right now?" And it's amazing how this helps.

Anyway, thanks again. I cannot afford to get drunk anymore. It does me zero good.

Hopeful