My own rage

[SettingBorders]

These last weeks I have been working on myself and on not making these endless discussions and arguements worse, that I have with my boyfriend, whom I think has BPD. I was especially concentrating on not becoming angry when triggered. I had made a list with triggers I have remembered from past discussions - it is quite long... .

I noticed that I do very poorly with not becoming angry. Most of our discussions go on and on because I react on triggers all the time. I could cry when I think of all these rediculous things he is telling me.

So, last night, I managed not to react on a trigger: In the beginning of my pregnancy, we had had lots of discussions about the last name of our child (he wanted his, I wanted mine). Not beeing married, my name would be the most common choice in my country. We finally agreed on: If it's a boy, he's getting his last name. If it's a girl, it will be mine. Turned out: Most likely it's a boy. I was very sad because of not passing on my name, but didn't doubt or dispute our agreement. Last ultrasound my docter said she couldn't confirm it was a boy, but neither a girl, she couldn't see anything.

Last night, my boyfriend brought that theme up and said that if it was a girl, what he didn't hope, then we had to discuss the last name-thing again: as his family is living some houndred kilometres away and my family will have a greater influence on the child anyway. I was immediately upset, but managed well to hide it and answered that I didn't know any alternatives, that we could both agree on. With a wink I added: Only that the child will get my last name, no matter what sex. He answered some more things I also could manage with humour, but inside I was cooking that again he doubted an a agreement when he feels disadvantaged.

I was secretly upset all night and this morning and I can't really detach myself from it. I am acting normal, but feeling awful. What can I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I think it is important to pay attention to when we feel resentful. When we feel this way, it may be because we are violating our own boundaries, feelings, values and giving in to someone else, but really not meaning it. We may be giving in to keep the peace, people please but then we feel resentment.

I think it is common for people with co-dependent tendencies to not pay attention to this, until it becomes a feeling of rage for us, anger at the person we seem to be giving up something for, but we can choose to not give up something important to us.

There is a cost to this- the other person's anger and rage at not getting their way. But if it is important to us, we may choose to defend it, and so have to understand the other person might get angry at us.

Do you expect to marry this man? Will he be responsible for child support? I don't know what country you live in or if there are child support laws. I am not certain about this in the US, but I think the father needs to be named on the birth certificate, but I don't know if the child has to take on the father's last name for paternity to be recognized.

You two are at odds over the baby's name. Your BF wants it to be his, you want yours. The gender idea is a sort of compromise, but really, that puts the decision on to the baby. Girl or boy doesn't change either of your feelings. It just leaves the choice up to chance. You may as well have flipped a coin.

Couples don't always agree on everything, and choices have to be made. But this default decision doesn't seem to be working because it doesn't address the feelings about the name of the baby or really work it out. I think it is also a set up for one of you to be disappointed when the baby is born.

Rather than suppress your feelings, perhaps taking a closer look at them will help you with this dilemma. This doesn't mean acting out with him or participating in those circular discussions. It just means paying attention to what you truly want and what you are willing to compromise on.

[jrharvey]

Often times my own rage was caused by the fact that I used JADE a lot. I would defend myself from these ridiculous claims of (you don't love me, your talking to other women, you are going to leave me, your embarrassed about me, you don't want me meeting your friends, you hate me, your going to cheat on me). All of these things I would try and try to convince her but the craziness that she would say would just get worse and worse. That made me feel stupid and annoyed for even trying. It made me so frustrated I couldn't change her feeling. I would get angry and then she would rage back because to her everything she is saying is fact and Im just denying the facts but to me its all just crazy talk. You have taken a great step realizing what your triggers are.

For me now when I start getting the "Crazy Talk" I give her the truth and if she continues to deny it or keeps going on about something that isn't true then I will inform her that she has the right to believe whatever she wants but I cant continue to try and convince her. If she starts to put me down or tries to suck me in to JADE'ing then I will leave the situation. Walk away. She feels insecure about something so she needs constant reassurance and for me to tell her over and over and over again but in reality it makes me more and more frustrated and it doesn't help her figure it out for herself.

[SettingBorders]

My rage disappeared a few hours later after I had talked with my mother about all of that. And I guess it's true that I felt it because of compromising a lot - too much? I didn't think of myself of being co-dependent by now. I always thought I would be an independent woman who has her way. But I begin to see how much of a co-dependent I am.

Do you expect to marry this man? Will he be responsible for child support? I don't know what country you live in or if there are child support laws. I am not certain about this in the US, but I think the father needs to be named on the birth certificate, but I don't know if the child has to take on the father's last name for paternity to be recognized.

I live in Germany and here both parents have to pick the first and last name together. We both have to sign this for the registry office. If we can't find a solution, the family court will decide. Most probable it will decide in terms of the mother, but I don't dare to start a fight over this. Honestly, I don't have the strength, and as we have found a solution - however bad it is - I don't want to a sore loser and violate our agreement.

Rather than suppress your feelings, perhaps taking a closer look at them will help you with this dilemma. This doesn't mean acting out with him or participating in those circular discussions. It just means paying attention to what you truly want and what you are willing to compromise on.

I feel that I really do want to pass my name. But I fear the effects of fighting for it. It might all get worse. My boyfriend already feels excluded from pregnancy and child. He's having custody as I do have it, and it's permanent. Even if we break up we will have to decide together, where the child will live, which Kindergarten and school it will attend, and so on, everything. Just don't want to ... .I don't know.

Thinking about breaking up more than ever ... .