I look just like my abuser: Pregnant and struggling

[Depression = 72% of members]

It has been a long time since I posted here - my healing and acceptance has come a long way. I've been NC with almost all of my family for eight years (I have a BPD mother and a NPD father) and in that time, I've fostered healthy and happy relationships. I've also had a son - and that was exceptionally difficult as, during my pregnancy, I really came to terms and accepted that I couldn't have my parents in my life (having been NC for a few years but occasionally wondering if I should re-engage).

After years of trying to conceive, I am finally pregnant again. This time has been much harder; my career was in a big upswing and my immediate (and terrible) morning sickness forced me to reprioritize. As it had taken so long to happen, I had started to accept that I was probably not going to have another child. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

Anyway. So pregnant - it is still sinking in (I am four months along) and I'm finding myself heavily reflecting on family again (as I did the first time around). To be honest, I had just assumed it was a boy - so when medical tests to rule out downs revealed that it was a girl, I was stunned (the baby is healthy). I told my husband, who was overjoyed, but found myself feeling afraid.

My BPD mother was raised by a mother with munchausen, who always hated her because she was a girl and was terribly abusive. When I was born, her first girl, I became the painted black child in my family. We did not have a healthy relationship, she was controlling and terribly emotionally abusive. As I have gotten older, I've had to struggle with the fact that I look just like my abuser.

Now I am pregnant, with a girl - people keep telling me that they hope she looks like me. I struggle with this compliment. I struggle with the idea of parenting a girl; I worry about feeling emotionally connected. I'm worried about breaking the cycle of abuse - I know I am not my mother but when I see her looking back at me in the mirror, I am reminded of how she failed to overcome the pattern in her life.

I tried to talk to my husband about this but he just wants me to be happy. I feel like I should go back to therapy but I am just feeling blocked.

[my_memories]

It has been a long time since I posted here - my healing and acceptance has come a long way. I've been NC with almost all of my family for eight years (I have a BPD mother and a NPD father) and in that time, I've fostered healthy and happy relationships. I've also had a son - and that was exceptionally difficult as, during my pregnancy, I really came to terms and accepted that I couldn't have my parents in my life (having been NC for a few years but occasionally wondering if I should re-engage).

After years of trying to conceive, I am finally pregnant again. This time has been much harder; my career was in a big upswing and my immediate (and terrible) morning sickness forced me to reprioritize. As it had taken so long to happen, I had started to accept that I was probably not going to have another child. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

Anyway. So pregnant - it is still sinking in (I am four months along) and I'm finding myself heavily reflecting on family again (as I did the first time around). To be honest, I had just assumed it was a boy - so when medical tests to rule out downs revealed that it was a girl, I was stunned (the baby is healthy). I told my husband, who was overjoyed, but found myself feeling afraid.

My BPD mother was raised by a mother with munchausen, who always hated her because she was a girl and was terribly abusive. When I was born, her first girl, I became the painted black child in my family. We did not have a healthy relationship, she was controlling and terribly emotionally abusive. As I have gotten older, I've had to struggle with the fact that I look just like my abuser.

Now I am pregnant, with a girl - people keep telling me that they hope she looks like me. I struggle with this compliment. I struggle with the idea of parenting a girl; I worry about feeling emotionally connected. I'm worried about breaking the cycle of abuse - I know I am not my mother but when I see her looking back at me in the mirror, I am reminded of how she failed to overcome the pattern in her life.

I tried to talk to my husband about this but he just wants me to be happy. I feel like I should go back to therapy but I am just feeling blocked.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi my_memories:   
A big contrats on your pregnancy.  I'm so sorry about the emotional abuse from your mom and that you are having a difficult time right now.  

As I have gotten older, I've had to struggle with the fact that I look just like my abuser. . . .

Now I am pregnant, with a girl - people keep telling me that they hope she looks like me. I struggle with this compliment. I struggle with the idea of parenting a girl; I worry about feeling emotionally connected. I'm worried about breaking the cycle of abuse - I know I am not my mother but when I see her looking back at me in the mirror, I am reminded of how she failed to overcome the pattern in her life

In reading your post, I get the impression that you are self aware.  I'm thinking that is a distinct difference from the other women in your life.  Are there some ways in which you interact with your son, that you feel is similar to the way your mother treated you?  Is it the fear of possibly having the capacity of carrying on the motherly dysfunction with daughters, that disturbs you?

Some additional therapy might be a good idea.  I'm thinking that discussing the things you mention in this post would bring up some productive dialog with a therapist.  It could be helpful to talk through these fears.

I tend to think that most people have a couple of BPD traits.  Are there any behaviors that you would like to gain better control over, or that you fear are similar to those of people with BPD (pwBPD)?  We all have room for improvement with our behaviors and interactions with others.

[Fie]

Hello My_Memories  

Congratulations on your pregnancy !
I understand your fears. It must be terrifying to feel like you might recycle the faults of your mother.
I have read your other post about explaining NC to small children (I will try to reply to it). You sound like an empathic person who would not exhibit BPD behaviors towards her child, be it a boy or girl.
My mum had BPD. She would never ask someone's opinion about explaining things to her child. She did what she wanted, period. The opinion of her children *never* counted. She did not and still doesn't care how we percieved and lived our childhood. So I am pretty sure you would never do the things you are afraid of doing.

That being said I think still it's very wise to reflect on it and it's also natural to be afraid, especially since you have the feeling to be looking at your mum when looking in the mirror.

I think key of the solution might be found there. Do you feel you are a person who's truly at peace with herself ? Do you love yourself for who you are ? You are not your mum. You might look like her - hell I also do look like my mum. But do you have the feeling to be a seperate, different, good person  ?
Naughty Nibbler's advice about therapy is I think a very good idea.
I have read the book 'It's never too late to be happy! Reparenting yourself for happiness', from Muriel James. It teaches you to love yourself more, the person we are now but also the little child we once were. I used to not be able to look at pictures of myself as a little kid. I thought I looked ugly, and stupid.
Now I have put a picture of myself as a small child in my bedroom, and I talk to it. It has helped me a lot. I also don't really think anymore about looking like my mum. I looked like my daughter as a kid, and she's cute.  :-)

The book has helped me see that I, like all children, was lovely. Another even better book with excercises on this and on a lot more, is 'The journey from abandonment to healing', from Susan Anderson. I like it so much, it's one of the most helpful books I have ever read.

You are also not the only one feeling like this. I remember a post from another member, here's the link (lakegirl02) :
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296998.msg12788597#msg12788597

I am also wondering, have you ever thought that this baby being a girl, might be a wonderful opportunity for you to not only heal personally, but also break the cycle and show that you are *not* your mum, and that you *will* not repeat her mistakes, just as you did not do so with your first child ? I sometimes wonder if life does not have it's own plans with us.

Let me know if what I wrote makes sense to you, if you want.

[my_memories]

In reading your post, I get the impression that you are self aware.  I'm thinking that is a distinct difference from the other women in your life.  Are there some ways in which you interact with your son, that you feel is similar to the way your mother treated you?  Is it the fear of possibly having the capacity of carrying on the motherly dysfunction with daughters, that disturbs you?

Some additional therapy might be a good idea.  I'm thinking that discussing the things you mention in this post would bring up some productive dialog with a therapist.  It could be helpful to talk through these fears.

I tend to think that most people have a couple of BPD traits.  Are there any behaviors that you would like to gain better control over, or that you fear are similar to those of people with BPD (pwBPD)?  We all have room for improvement with our behaviors and interactions with others.

Thanks for this! I am aware that I am overly sensitive to the feelings of others - and struggle with a health sense of self-preservation (or a healthy balance of narcissism). With my son, I worked hard on being present and listening to him. I know I will be good with my daughter on this as well - my fears are definitely attached to gender.

I used to openly state that I never wanted children - in reality, I was afraid to try and was afraid that I would end up alone as a parent. I was afraid I would have a daughter and the terrible that happened to me would be repeated. I think, like a lot of people raised by narcissists and borderlines, I was raised to be victimized. It took years for me to learn how to not foster relationships with narcisstic individuals who would just use and abuse me. I lived my life very much as a survivor, with a strong awareness of how badly people can treat each other. Life just seemed easier for a boy (it was a lot easier for my brothers) so it was a relief when I had a son.

Your comments have helped me think a lot - it is obvious that, although I have come a long way, I still need to work on my sense of the world. Trust is such a hard thing to have!

[my_memories]

I understand your fears. It must be terrifying to feel like you might recycle the faults of your mother.
... .
My mum had BPD. She would never ask someone's opinion about explaining things to her child. She did what she wanted, period. The opinion of her children *never* counted. She did not and still doesn't care how we percieved and lived our childhood. So I am pretty sure you would never do the things you are afraid of doing.

That being said I think still it's very wise to reflect on it and it's also natural to be afraid, especially since you have the feeling to be looking at your mum when looking in the mirror.
... .
Now I have put a picture of myself as a small child in my bedroom, and I talk to it. It has helped me a lot. I also don't really think anymore about looking like my mum. I looked like my daughter as a kid, and she's cute.  :-)
... .
I am also wondering, have you ever thought that this baby being a girl, might be a wonderful opportunity for you to not only heal personally, but also break the cycle and show that you are *not* your mum, and that you *will* not repeat her mistakes, just as you did not do so with your first child ? I sometimes wonder if life does not have it's own plans with us.

I really appreciate your thoughts on this! I really hope that it is that opportunity for healing and breaking the cycle... .I also like your advice about reflecting on when I was a child.

My mom, unlike my NPD dad, definitely had some self awareness that she wasn't that great at parenting. I don't think she ever asked anyone their opinion - given how controlling my father was of her, I don't think she had many relationships with others where she could have asked. She also wasn't willing to talk about her childhood or family relationships - I tended to get any details about that from my dad (who was also a pathological liar so who really knows the truth there?).

All that to say, I think she always saw herself as very Not like her mother. She studied early childhood development in an effort to be a good mom, I think. I doubt she was full blown BPD until years into her relationship with my NPD father, their toxic relationship really isolated her and made her more paranoid. I have obviously put wayyyyy too much thought into this over the years

Part of my struggle, I think, is having PTSD. I've had PTSD my entire adult life - and tend to the flight side of things. Upon finding out I was having a girl, I just kind of went blank. like my mind just went to nothing, I probably started thinking about work. By contrast, when I found out I was having a boy, I got excited and wondered what he would be like. I became more engaged in my pregnancy, if that makes sense. This time around, I just don't feel as connected which makes me question.