Fearing the next argument

[SettingBorders]

I just need to write something down, as I am so worn out from the latest events. Don't even know what to expect from this posting. The theory on how to act seems clear to me, but still I'm not sure if I can do it. We've got several new arguments a day, that I am cursing, in his point of view. I am 10 days before due date to give birth to our child and I just can't get any clear thought right now. Feels like being caught and not being able to get out.

What I fear most is the discussion about weather to move to another flat.

Advantages:
- it's our neighbor's flat, so moving would be easy
- it has one more room that our flat
- not as expensive as other flats in our neighborhood

Disadvantages:
- all of the rooms are smaller than in our flat
- I can't afford it from my current income, would have to use my savings

So, my neighbor had shown me her flat several weeks ago and I didn't like it so much. All the rooms are in a line, all pointing towards the street, the flat doesn't have a “soul” as ours, which I like a lot. I told it to my boyfriend, and he wasn't amused neither from what I told him. Tonight, we're both going to see the flat again. We only learned yesterday, that our neighbor is keen to move out as soon as possible.

I had been really careful telling my boyfriend, that I didn't like her flat and that I would prefer to stay living here for two more years or so and then see what we can find on the normal housing marked. But he started raging, telling me, we would go over to see the flat, and tell our neighbor tomorrow, if we would take it. And that we should move in November. I said, November I'll be in child bed, this is really fast and that we can talk about that after we have seen the flat, as we're still not even sure, if we want it. He said, we had no choice but to move into that flat.

That's when I started JADE'ing … I told him that there could be several reasons, why we wouldn't want that flat. For instance because the rooms were to small, or it's to expensive for the little improvement in space we would gain. Or whatever other reason we right now can't imagine. He told me these were MY reasons why I don't want that flat. And I said it could be his', too, as he hasn't seen it by now. I proposed to wait until we have seen the flat and measured the rooms and then we could talk about if and when to move in.

Then, he brought up some silly accusations: that I'm not into compromising, that I have already made a decision about that flat without him, that he is excluded again, that I would have to pay the additional rent of our old flat alone if I was causing us to move in too late, that I would falsely assume that he meant we should move 1st of November already and therefore I would think he's stupid, … I don't remember all of what we talked there, but I remember that I justified myself between each of his accusations. When he finally told me that I had started the argument I managed not to answer and this is where it ended for now.

To be continued tonight... .

And I fear it … I just don't want to discuss with my boyfriend after we have seen the flat. I will try to stay calm and only to bring an argument once, to avoid falling into that JADE'ing circle again. I want to try to record the argument with my mobile. Not because I would ever want to listen to it again if I don't have to, but fow two reasons: 1st for reminding myself to stay calm. 2nd for being able to show it to someone else in case there will be a breakup. As he's high performing, no one would believe me how he is talking to me, when we are alone.

And I am preparing to leave the flat when it's all going wrong.

Right now, I am being as kind as possible to him (I don't manage this well, to be honest, but I try to pull myself together), in order not to create a battle line between us. If I am lucky, he doesn't like our neighbor's flat either. But he will only be able to admit this if there's a good atmosphere between us. Otherwise everything bad in his life will be my fault. I bet it's the latter ... . 

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