Bpd ex won't get it but my "BPDFamily" will

[FallBack!Monster]

I have a lot of feelings in me. I have mostly good days with occasional hard to accept days. My ex doesn't seem to fully understand feelings/emotions & I refuse to share it with anyone I know for fear of being judged. I have to get it out of my head. Please read and comment.

I lied, I did love you. I lied, I still do. I lied, I wanted more than I knew you could offer. I lied, I wish it was still that you.

NC is going to be hard but NC is what's best.  I feel as though I took a fail-proof test and failed. But I gotta smile anyway so "they" won't enjoy making me feel like I'm in hell.
When I see my ex my heart melts with sadness but I hold up like a champ.  Im acting all calm & sweet cause I can't let her see me weak. Minutes after walking away those feelings flip to feeling like an as*. That's bc I know there's nothing I could do or say, to make your pain or my feeling of disappointment go way. 
With that I'd like to confess... .
I miss your smile
I miss your tight hugs
I miss your kisses
I miss your pretentious expression of love
I miss your humor & laughs
I miss spending time with what felt like my other half
But there's one thing I miss the most
and for that I must say thanks
The reflection of me you allowed me to see
Showed me how wonderful I really am.

Wish I could have my old bae back but that will never & could never be . ... .(I think like this slot)

I wrote the nice part of us not the evil parts bc the Reverend told me is best to let go of  animosities. It can make a person physically ill & can even come to define my future choices. I decided no one deserves that much of my being.
I can lie to everyone but not to myself. I loved spending time with my ex (wish it was real) but not with that "wicked" disorder.

Thanks for taking the time

 

[fromheeltoheal]

I loved spending time with my ex (wish it was real) but not with that "wicked" disorder.

Is it possible to accept that they were one in the same Done4better?

[GoodVibesOnly16]

I wish I had NC! My ex won't move out of my house! (See post). It's hell. I do remember the nice times we had but can't ever forget the bad. I can see your reverend's point, but we have to not kid ourselves. No contact is what's best for you. Your ex BPD doesn't give a hoot how your feeling. Hang in there. I am trying and have really hard days and pray and long for NC when I can be FREE!

[anothercasualty]

I loved spending time with my ex (wish it was real) but not with that "wicked" disorder.

Is it possible to accept that they were one in the same Done4better?

I think accepting that they are one in the same is the key to being able to "move on". I have read it many times, but I finally accepted it. It was hard because I had to admit that this person I loved so much had some serious issues that caused others pain. Separating the good and the BPD made me think she could be that good person and leave BPD behind. She could not.

Ugh!

[FallBack!Monster]

Is it possible to accept that they were one in the same Done4better?

One in the same? Do you mean that the only reason we or I spent enjoyable moments w my ex is because of the disorder?  Other than that I don't know that I understand your meaning for asking it. Like yes it was the same person.

Your ex BPD doesn't give a hoot how your feeling

Not easy to accept but have to. Not easy to hear and needs not to be said to me.  I know. I can read. I thought my words implied  knowledge.  It was an expression of my own emotions, not of hope.

[FallBack!Monster]

My hurt must be boring hurt because no one here ever seem to understand me.  my posts get ignored. My friend told me to write out my feelings here. Many reads but zero to very few replies every single time.  What am I doing wrong?  I spell check bc some of my own writing mistake annoyed me but I did better this time. How to get people talking to me and helping me? Thanks to those who took the time. I appreciate it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Is it possible to accept that they were one in the same Done4better?

One in the same? Do you mean that the only reason we or I spent enjoyable moments w my ex is because of the disorder?  Other than that I don't know that I understand your meaning for asking it. Like yes it was the same person.

Sort of.  A personality disorder occurs when ordered development becomes disordered development within the first few years of life.  From the time we are born to becoming adults people develop through stages, most of us go through what is considered "normal" development, or ordered development, and for some people that ordered development becomes disordered at some point, and then gets literally hardwired into the personality, for all of us.  So my point is it's impossible to separate your ex from the disorder, they're one in the same thing, including all of the good and all of the bad.  It can be helpful as we detach to look at the whole person, good and bad, and decide if the good outweighs the bad, which is the case with anyone really, because no one's perfect, and everyone is a collection of traits, some we like, some we don't.

[FallBack!Monster]

So my point is it's impossible to separate your ex from the disorder, they're one in the same thing, including all of the good and all of the bad.
 It can be helpful as we detach to look at the whole person, good and bad, and decide if the good outweighs the bad,  

Then you say this

which is the case with anyone really, because no one's perfect, and everyone is a collection of traits, some we like, some we don't.

I'm just saying. We all have flaws that's why it's hard indeed to want t o give it all up.
My main reason for wanting to detach is bc I saw that no matter by ow good intimacy was. How much I cooked, how well I kept house, no matter what I did nothing was going to be satisfying enough to bring us to a good understanding. The disorder won and I gave him up.

[C.Stein]

D4B,

One of the most difficult things for me to come to terms is accepting she did the things she did.  The person who did those things is the polar opposite of who I believed she could be, the person she can be at times.  When I discovered the BPD link I began to understand how she could be two completely different people at the same time.  While this has helped me to logically understand possible reasons why she did the things she did, it hasn't helped much with the emotional pain.

A big problem for me is that she has not been officially diagnosed with BPD and that left me with many doubts and questions like "what if".  I still at times struggle with this even 14 months after being thrown away.

I have done enough research now and even did some online screening tests using my knowledge of her to be relatively certain she suffers from the disorder.  I find however I do have difficulty maintaining her as a whole person, not the disordered person (her "dark side" and the person I fell so deeply and completely in love with.  The thing is I can't separate her from the disorder as it is pervasive throughout her entire personality ... .the good and the bad.  I can see now some of the things I loved about her were most certainly impacted by the disorder, just not in a bad way.

I completely understand the mixed emotions that can run through your head.  Regardless of how profoundly my ex has hurt me I do still love her and I do miss her and feel deep sadness at losing what I thought we could have shared together.  This however wasn't reality regardless of how hard I tried to convince myself it was.  She simply is unable to participate in a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship.

What I do not miss is the near constant fear and anxiety I felt that eventually started to impact me physically.  I should be happy it is over but for some reason a part of me is not happy at all.

Acceptance ... .complete acceptance will eventually come for both of us.  How do you think you can help yourself achieve this?

[FallBack!Monster]

Complete acceptance... .idk. I'm not setting any expectations. I believe im doing things right by taking it one day at a time. I think about what loves means. What loves is to my ex and what love means to me. I no longer try to focus on whether or not my ex loved me. I don't think I ever thought he knew what truly loving someone (anyone) entails. This new way of thinking is how I removed the personal sensation out of the equation.  At first believing that this was all "personally"against me is what wounded me the most. How could he not miss "me"? I would ask myself. How could he not call to just check on "me"? Was this really happening to "me"? That was me until I decided that I had to "not" think of it as a war on "me".

[C.Stein]

This new way of thinking is how I removed the personal sensation out of the equation.  At first believing that this was all "personally"against me is what wounded me the most. How could he not miss "me"? I would ask myself. How could he not call to just check on "me"? Was this really happening to "me"? That was me until I decided that I had to "not" think of it as a war on "me".

I totally get it.  When I was introduced to the trash can my ex by all appearances deleted my existence from her life.  She has not even once acknowledge that we even had a relationship let alone that she ever had any feelings for me, the couple of times she even acknowledged my existence at all.  It does cut very deep when someone you are in love with treats you like this.  It does help to logically understand why a borderline might do this but it certainly doesn't make the pain of it go away.  It will however help you come to terms with it eventually and the pain will subside with time.

[FallBack!Monster]

  totally get it.  When I was introduced to the trash can my ex by all appearances deleted my existence from her life.  She has not even once acknowledge that we even had a relationship let alone that she ever had any feelings for me, the couple of times she even acknowledged my existence at all.  It does cut very deep when someone you are in love with treats you like this.  It does help to logically understand why a borderline might do this but it certainly doesn't make the pain of it go away.  It will however help you come to terms with it eventually and the pain will subside with time.

My ex never acknowledged me either. At least i didn't feel he did. He wouldn't like my fb post but wld say he seen it. It was so sad for me one day I was jealous of how easy he could walk away, start over again like us never happened. After all the promises he made.

Then one day I said why can we all just enjoy what we have while we have it then when its gone just let it go?  I'm still asking myself that.

[AliB]

The disorder won and I gave him up. Those are powerful words. In my case, the disorder won and he abandoned his family. I never gave up although I should have and still should but I hold onto him still.

[lovenature]

A PWBPD has a serious mental illness that they have lived with for most of their life. The wonderful idealization phase and the awful devaluation phase were part of the disorder; we didn't see it because most of us never knew about BPD. It is very painful and hard to detach because it is so irrational and illogical, we tried so hard to make it work and things only got worse.

Keep reading and learning, the more you know and the longer you are out, the clearer things become.