Meeting her - Please help

[JJacks0]

Sorry for posting relentlessly on here. I feel like I need advice now more than ever and I'm hoping some members can help me sort this out.

As I said in a previous post, my ex contacted me and asked if I'd get coffee with her just as friends this coming Tuesday. She has been dating someone casually for a few weeks. This is something I suspected, but it still feels gut-wrenching. I've decided to meet her, despite knowing that I'll probably feel worse afterwards since I am still looking for more. Regardless, I'm too tempted to decline. I know I'll just wonder what would have happened.

Now I'm trying to prepare myself. I feel a little conflicted about how to behave. I know not to bring up the past or any negativity. I want us to just have fun and be positive, I don't want her to have any negative association with meeting me. At the same time, I feel like I need to know how serious she is with this other person. Because if she intends on actually starting a relationship with her I know I can't be around for that. I couldn't handle it. Doesn't really seem like something I can bring up the first time we're hanging out after the breakup though... .definitely wouldn't be keeping things light.

I'm just unsure of what to do exactly. I am willing to go and see how we are together. I'm interested to see how it feels for her too. 2 months ago she said it was too confusing to be near me while she was trying to move on. I wonder if I still "confuse her" at all or if she is completely detached. So I feel like I need to go and see what happens. But what about boundaries? Am I being a total doormat hanging out with her as friends while she's dating someone else? She knows I still want to be with her. I expressed hesitance in meeting her for that very reason. Her response was, "well let's just try it and see how it goes." I know she won't throw it in my face or anything, she won't tell me anything if I ask her not to. But the real issue is that I'm worried we'll continue to hang out, I'll grow attached and then she'll decide to enter into a relationship with this new person.

I know I can't very well say that I'll only be friends with her if she doesn't get into a relationship. But at the same time that's kind of how I feel. I know what I'm able to put up with and I couldn't deal with that. I guess I'm going to see if there's anything still there, knowing that it's possible this new person may not amount to anything but a temporary distraction. But if it were to go beyond that I'd have to call it quits.

Sorry for the rambling, but I'd really appreciate any advice. I just feel like I need to be prepared.

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[ArleighBurke]

Why ARE you meeting her? If she's seeing someone else then she's moved on. Are you hoping she'll come back to you? If you can't stand her with someone else, and only want to be friends with her if she's single, then that really sounds like what you want.

How likely do you think that she'll come back to you? If she does - how likely is she to stay with you?

I've not been in your position - but it sounds like torture to me... .

If you see her, I think it's quite reasonable at the end to say "I want us to be together again. If you want that too, then we need to try properly. We may not end up together, but while we are trying, I don't want either of us to see anyone else."

[JJacks0]

Thanks for the thoughts, Arleigh. Yeah, I am hoping that she will come back.

I honestly have no idea how likely it is. We have so much history, which I think could either work for or against us. I guess the chances right now are probably slim - she's probably loving her newfound freedoms. I have it in my head that she's just dating to date because I triggered her abandonment fears and she's vehemently trying to move on/avoid any more negative feelings that I gave her. I do believe that to be the case, since she was originally the one who wanted to save the relationship. So I just don't know. I can't answer how likely she is to stay either if she did return. She's never left like this before. Maybe for a couple days to stay with her parents or something, but not like this. Now we've gotten separate apartments and apparently are dating other people. 

It does feel like torture but I guess I feel like if I don't try and see where it goes I'll regret that and wonder what might have happened if I went. Regret is something I've been struggling a lot with already. I know going could also make me feel a million times worse, but at least then I'll know.
I was sort of worried that bringing that topic up right away would freak her out and make her run away. She did make it clear that she was moving on and I know I can't control her. It's just that she's been so hot and cold about me that I can't help but think that it could possibly change again. Wondered if I should just focus on being a positive association to her again. But there lies the trouble, where we may be on two separate pages the entire time.

[Meili]

If you do meet her, show her a new you. A you that is confident and has abundance in your life. Make yourself as attractive as possible, provided you've actually made changes to your life that are confident, have abundance, and is a new you.

Remember the tools that are taught her and use them. Stay in control of your emotional reactions.

Go with zero expectations and just catch up with an old friend. Nothing magical needs to happen at this first meeting. She's probably just as nervous about it as you are. Take things slow and show her consistency in any changes.

[JJacks0]

Well I saw her. For 7 hours.

We had a great time, but her position remains the same - just wants to be friends. So ironic considering she always used to tell me she could never be my friend.

She said that since her mom died, she needs new things, new people, etc in her life. She lives in a place her mom never saw, has friends her mom never met, etc... .and this makes her feel better because she's not constantly comparing it to how it was with her. Her mom was never in those places/knew those people so I guess the void is less apparent in some way. Her life is entirely different.

I didn't bring it up, but over the course of 7 hours, our "friendship" came up and how dating would effect that. I told her how I felt. She told me that the new girl is nothing, and since we were being open, I asked her if she thought the new girl felt same. She said yes, that the new girl is "all over the place" and doesn't appreciate my ex. She told me that if I were to date she doesn't know how she would react - her "blood might boil". She also told me that her new best friend (who I initially thought was my replacement) is narcissistic and that her family doesn't really care about her right now. She described herself as a lone wolf.

She said that she feels better when we're not engaged romantically because her head is more clear - I attribute that to the fact that she's not so worried in analyzing my behavior, what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, etc. She said that she still has feelings for me but that she needs to move on. I was honest and told her how I felt about our dynamic - it's the first time we've ever had boundaries as to what is appropriate in 7 years. I'm so used to being a certain way with her. She said that we weren't going to be romantic anymore and that no moves would be made. Then she also made a comment about how she is not bound by anyone right now and is free to do whatever she wants.

I did not intend for any serious topics to come up, but over the course of 7 hours they sort of did naturally when she questioned our ability to have a friendship... .I had to be honest about how I felt. But nothing was negative, there was no hostility, only a little sadness from my end at one point but I really tried to move past it quickly. I really was trying to stay in control of my emotions, but it was really hard listening to her talk about dating. I still had a lot of positive things to tell her about what I've been doing, and most of the time was spent laughing and having a good time. I was really conscious about being validating and not JADEing. I think I did well with that... .I found that we were agreeing and seeing eye to eye on nearly everything, and she was able to vent to me about her issues with family/friends. She didn't react poorly to anything I said. My only concern was the fact that I showed too much emotion while she was talking about her dating life. I really tried to prevent it, but it was hard to hear some of the things she said.

She kept telling me that she had a good time with me, and she wants to do it again. But because of my sensitivity to her moving on, our next contact is up to me. I know she will be receptive, she has made that clear. I'm trying to decide how to proceed now. Already today I feel like texting her, but I don't want to appear too needy. I might be overthinking this part, but I've heard how unattractive that can be to pwBPD especially at a point in her life right now where she's embracing this independence.

Neither of us wanted to leave and she seemed so happy to hang out. She kept saying how she felt like she was unleashing weeks of information because no one else talks to her like I do. This is so hard. On one hand, my pathetic hope prevails and I'd like to weather it out and see if she ever changes her mind about me. On the other hand, it's so painful being close to her but being pegged as a "friend" after all of our history.

  

[ArleighBurke]

That must have been a painful 7 hours!

It sounds like you have a decision to make - to stay in pain and live in hope, or to have pain and move on.

Both can be correct - I think you are the only one who can truely evaluate whether she will come back to you or not, and decide on your path.

[JJacks0]

I loved seeing her so I had a really good time when I wasn't thinking about anything else. As soon as those things came up, and I was reminded that we are just friends now, it was horrible.

I felt so sad when she left. I just wanted to hug her but I didn't.

Despite all she said to downplay her relationship w/ this new girl, I know she's with her right now. Makes me sick. I don't know if she's just making it seem like less to me for some reason, or if it really isn't much of anything but she's lonely so she's spending time with her anyway.

[ArleighBurke]

Loosing someone you love is painful. And being reminded just adds to that pain. You need to decide where to from here. Good luck!

[obliv326]

I can hear how tough this was for you, and I think the question I would ask is whether you are really going to be okay with just being friends? It doesn't sound like what you want, and honestly, it seems like it might just be painful for you, even as you are getting some boost from the fact that you're getting to see her?

Honestly, if I were in that situation (and my situation is somewhat similar, although at least she did say that the idea of being just friends is "ridiculous and unrealistic", right before she cut me off for 5 months. She reached out last month and we had some brief, if nice and pleasant, conversation), I know it would be really hard, but I think I would say that I'm not interested in being friends, and that she can get ahold of me when she changes her mind. I actually did that with someone else I cared about a few months back, although she wasn't a pwBPD... .It was really tough, but not as tough as how I would have felt being downgraded to a friend.

That's just me, but it seems like from what you've said that this is really painful for you. I think, for me, being able to draw that line in the sand, and make that stand for myself, would at least be somewhat empowering. It would hurt, for sure, but if nothing else, it would allow you to have some closure, and it would be closure you chose. I know, for me, so much of the bad feelings were due to feeling like I had no power, and that, at least, is you making a decision for yourself.

Just my .02. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you.

[Meili]

I tend to agree with obliv326. You should empower and protect yourself. If it hurts you too badly to just be friends while she is involved with another, then don't do it. That doesn't mean that you can't be available in the future if the situation changes.

Take the time apart to work on yourself and find your strength.

[C.Stein]

JJ,

Life is all too short.  How long are you willing to put your life on hold in the hope of achieving something that may very well be unachievable?