Shattered

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thank you all for replying to my "in bits" post and for your support and advice. I didn't go to meet my ex.
I am here on holiday in Malta now but wish I wasn't. We did have a flurry of text exchanges though, the latest from him last night. Apparently adding them all together.
He doesn't miss me, he misses company because he's lonely. That he doesn't want a freak for a friend.
He said When he first met me he was lonely and two guys at work warned him off me, said I was unstable, a bunny boiler. (even tho I had only worked there 3 weeks and they didn't know me)
He said I must know I am not normal, he wishes I was but I'm not.
That I had never been his friend. And loads more, I have deleted texts and blocked him.
I feel very isolated and alone. Like a hole is torn in my soul. Doubting myself.
Have I just imagined all the wonderful feelings and love at the beginning, the love and care I gave him even though it had all gone bad. Does he really not remember. Has it all been nothing. I thought I felt broken before but this is so bad. I feel totally destroyed.

[Sadly]

Thank you all for replying to my "in bits" post and for your support and advice. I didn't go to meet my ex.
I am here on holiday in Malta now but wish I wasn't. We did have a flurry of text exchanges though, the latest from him last night. Apparently adding them all together.
He doesn't miss me, he misses company because he's lonely. That he doesn't want a freak for a friend.
He said When he first met me he was lonely and two guys at work warned him off me, said I was unstable, a bunny boiler. (even tho I had only worked there 3 weeks and they didn't know me)
He said I must know I am not normal, he wishes I was but I'm not.
That I had never been his friend. And loads more, I have deleted texts and blocked him.
I feel very isolated and alone. Like a hole is torn in my soul. Doubting myself.
Have I just imagined all the wonderful feelings and love at the beginning, the love and care I gave him even though it had all gone bad. Does he really not remember. Has it all been nothing. I thought I felt broken before but this is so bad. I feel totally destroyed.

[Larmoyant]

Sadly, I'm so sorry this is awful. I'm glad you didn't meet up with him and you've now blocked him. It's verbal abuse pure and simple and I understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of. Easier said than done, but please try not to internalise any of it. None of it is you Sadly it's him and his distorted mind. He's probably angry you went to Malta and didn't meet with him and is having a raging, BPD tantrum. I hope you get to enjoy your holiday. I'm angry on your behalf.   

[Sadly]

Thank you Lar so very much. I just don't know what's going on with me, am stuck in a hotel room, outside its sunny and everyone looks so happy I can't bear it. I
Feel sick. He has denied our beginnings. Some of my most precious memories. Trampled on all aspects of love and care ever shown or given between us. Crushed as if it was nothing the last two years of my life. I know what you say is true but it's so hard not to take it personally. I can't believe he said those things and worse. I am meeting my brother this evening so will have to get a grip, just devastated. You are lovely to be angry for me 

[Larmoyant]

I'd feel exactly the same way Sadly, but I'd say that you haven't imagined all the wonderful feelings and love at the beginning. It was most definitely there, for both of you, but this is the nature of BPD remember. Their feelings change. One minute all loving and the next lashing out and raging, devaluing you. I remember it well and it hurts.

As for "has it all been for nothing" I wonder the same thing and can only conclude that yes, it was all for nothing at least where a relationship with them is concerned, but maybe not in other ways. Ways that will become more and more apparent as we detach. Hang on Sadly. Get dressed up, take a good long look in the mirror and know what a wonderful, giving person you are and go and have a nice dinner with your brother. I'm sorry you're hurting   

[Sadly]

Thank you Lar, you are just exactly what I need right now.    x

[Milka]

I'd say that you haven't imagined all the wonderful feelings and love at the beginning. It was most definitely there, for both of you, but this is the nature of BPD remember. Their feelings change. One minute all loving and the next lashing out and raging, devaluing you. I remember it well and it hurts.

This is spot on. Sadly don't blame yourself for anything, don't even think you imagined the love you had. Because it was there, it is not there at the moment because he's furious, he's having his classic BPD fit and will do and say anything to hurt you. That's what they do! My ex was repeatedly abusing me just to later come back crying and begging me for forgiveness. He hated me one minute and loved me more than anything the next. They are masters of manipulation and right now he wants to make you doubt in yourself, he wants you to think that it's you who is the crazy one and not him. Just wait for him to text again saying how sorry he is and that he didn't mean it, that you are wonderful and that he misses you. These are the tactics they use to destroy our confidence and to make us run back to them when they want it. My ex never disappeared from my life and he still keeps trying all his tricks on me after a year since we broke up. He still loves me one minute and then says he just uses me as I'm a wonderful person who doesn't tell him to F*** off so he feels like he can do whatever and I will always be there anyway as I know he is unstable and doesn't mean bad! Please try to remember he is sick. Not you. Don't believe anything he says, good or bad, sweet or hateful, because whatever you believe in, he will twist later. I wish I could give you a hug as I know how much it hurts and how it makes us go nuts. They should all be locked up

[Pipedreamer25]

Sadly I'm so impressed that you didn't end up meeting up with your ex  Congrats.  I'm not sure I would have been as strong in your situation.   He would have caused you more pain.  Please don't think of yourself as a freak.  pwBPD have such an amazing knack of making us feel like the crazy one - it's gaslighting and it's awful and not true.  You are not crazy,  you are kind and caring and this was confronting to him, it messes with their self concept that people can actually be good.   You are capable of having loving, fullfiling healthy relationships.  He unfortunately is not.  Please be kind to yourself and try to enjoy your holiday.  Thinking of you.   Love PD 

[Sadly]

Thank you PD and Milka so very much, you as is Lar exactly what I need too. Knowing about the logic and BPD is one thing isn't it, it's the crippling emotion that's so hard to deal with. I have blocked him now so won't have to listen to it anymore but it will take a long time before those words fade, they seem to be burned into my brain. Very heartfelt thanks to you all, I swear I would be crumbling without you.
Love from Sadly     xxx

[lostnlonelydee]

I'm sorry you're hurting Sadly. Don't let those words sit with you, deep down you know they aren't true, brush them off. Go out and explore, Malta looks beautiful

[Sadly]

Thanks LLD, you guys are amazing. I got a shower and walked down to the harbour. Still fragile but am now sat outside at a restaraunt overlooking the harbour and ordered a glass of wine and an avocado salad. Hope I can eat it. I wouldn't be sat here now without you all, still be wallowing in my dark hotel room I expect. So thank you again.      xxxx

[C.Stein]

He has denied our beginnings. Some of my most precious memories. Trampled on all aspects of love and care ever shown or given between us. Crushed as if it was nothing the last two years of my life. I know what you say is true but it's so hard not to take it personally. I can't believe he said those things and worse.

I get it sadly.  My ex did the same thing and it is exceptionally difficult to not take it personally.  For someone to trivialize and dishonor something you thought you shared with that person, something very special and unique, it really rips you apart.  

What you shared with him was special for both of you.  I think you both filled an emptiness inside each other and now that emptiness is back, perhaps even worse than before.  His way of dealing with this is to deny it ever even happened.  My ex has done the same.  The emotions are too powerful to deal with so everything that is associated with them gets swept under the carpet.  This is how my ex deals with anything that is too emotionally volatile and powerful for her to cope with ... .sweep, delete, pretend it never happened, especially when it involves shame and guilt.   When someone you have loved so deeply does this to you it shatters your personal self and sense of reality, leaving you directionless in pieces wondering who you are.

So now you are facing that emptiness again.  Perhaps you can now see he cannot fill the emptiness for you, no one can.  The first step to becoming whole again is to remove the things in your life that are keeping you in a shattered state ... .specifically him.  You did good by declining to meet him.  It took strength to do that and I am proud of you for standing strong.

How can we help you to believe in yourself again, to provide yourself with the love you deserve?

[Pretty Woman]

Sadly,
   I am sorry you were the recipient of such angry words. Know this is only projection. He is putting all his garbage on you.

You know where he got "bunny boiler"? Reading all about his disorder... .BPD. Once they know you are on to them they will try to make you look/feel like the crazy one.

Stay strong and know this has nothing to do with you. 
 

[JerryRG]

Wow, Sadly

All I can say is hang in there, and remember this isn't about you, it's them. Pretty much what I would expect from my exgf and I am so sorry your ex feels he has the right to try to harm you.

Keep moving forward and take care of yourself

 

[Milka]

Once they know you are on to them they will try to make you look/feel like the crazy one.

Yes! I found it the hardest to deal with. Always felt like I was the only one who knew the truth and nobody else knew what I was dealing with, how I was suffering inside. At the same time I was hanging on to him trying to rescue him! In the meanwhile he was busy making me look like I was the crazy one and he was the most charming, sociable, funniest person in the world who me - the crazy b___ - was trying to control! I wasn't even trying to convince people otherwise, I was so drained by the relationship itself, that I didn't have any energy left to tell people how things really were.


Sadly, keep moving forward... .Shut off all the malicious things he's said. None of them are true. It's his mind trying to self preserve as he can't cope otherwise.

[swampgas95]

Sadly,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling, but I'm really glad you didn't go see him. This is precisely the reason that I will never, ever speak to my BPDex again. I know that she would use the opportunity to twist the knife again and make sure to push it in deeper. she doesn't care about me. She would just want to know that she still has some level of control over me and my emotions. I won't ever let her anywhere near me and I won't look at any of her social media, which I know she uses as a platform to try and hurt me.

I'll never understand these people and their desire to hurt someone even after that person is out of their lives. It wasn't bad enough that she discarded me, she had to send me off with some horribly scarring comments and make sure to hurt me for weeks afterward until I finally found the courage to cut her off completely. I hope you stick to your NC commitment. It really is the only way to protect yourself. Remember, they need fuel to survive and they find that fuel by feeding off of your emotions, good or bad. Don't feed him. He won't waste any energy on you if he knows he won't get a return on his investment. Make him find it somewhere else.

[Bushido]

Just hang in there Sadly.
Take one day at a time and keep moving forward.
I feel you...
And trust me! Just as everyone of these amazing people here in the board say...
One day you will be in a loving relationship...
Just take this as a lesson in knowing your self...
You will get thru this... .Stonger and wiser then ever befor.

[JerryRG]

My son was eating a hard boiled egg, and stuffs his mouth full with it, I tell him it's time to take a nap, he spits the egg all over my carpet.

I tell him he's naughty and he screams at me as if it is my fault he is naughty... .he cries and throws a tantrum.

Remind you of someone?

Childish morons pwBPD

[hollow]

How are you Sadly? Hope you're feeling better in Malta! 

[Sadly]

Hello Hollow and all
I love Malta, it is a strange sort of holiday and I am not at my best but am really enjoying spending time with my brother in the evenings. Yesterday I went to a huge shopping centre and found a sweater that says " I am too busy today to think about you"  . Too hot to wear here but will when I get home, he won't ever see it but that doesn't matter, it's a brilliant statement, I will wear it with pride. I don't know what has happened, it's like a switch has gone on/off in my brain, I don't miss him, never want to see him or be in contact with him, haven't cried over it since that first night. I am thinking clearly about looking for work when I get home and actually making plans for a future that doesn't have any consideration of where he may be in it, because he won't, and I don't want him to be. This was my final text to him on that awful Sunday.

I Feel sick. You have denied our beginnings. Some of my most precious memories. Trampled on all aspects of love and care ever shown or given between us. Crushed as if it was nothing, the last two years of my life. You say A**** (his ex) is mentally Ill, you say I am mentally ill. You say vile things in texts to her and to me, find the common denominator G******. Doesn't take a member of Mensa to work it out. Yes we all have issues but there is a name for yours and where it came from. I always had issues from my childhood, hardly surprising, it's why I found it hard to trust people and chose to be alone rather than be hurt. Until I met you, trusted you and allowed you to see my vulnerable side. No one else has. That's why this is so despicable of you. Shame on you but thanks for finally peeling the skin from my eyes. You are now permanently blocked, dead to me.

I received 3 back, and am not remotely upset or tempted to reply, I just don't care.

Sunday
There is no point me replying then.
Monday
May I reply
Tuesday
Have I not the right to reply

Nothing last night, but it's weird, they don't trigger me, I don't get upset. For the first time ever I feel nothing for him. I hope this is normal but even if it isn't I am seriously happy about it. Is this another stage I have moved onto, not sure as all my stages kind of got muddled up. Thank you all so much for being here for me, my love and gratitude is enduring.
Love from Sadly xxx

[Larmoyant]

Hi Sadly, so happy to hear you're enjoying Malta. Sounds great wish I was there sharing some wine and shopping. I can tell you're getting stronger and stronger and this break is doing you good. I can relate to the stages of detachment getting all muddled up though. One day I feel ok and the next tearful again, but keep going we can do this 

[Sadly]

Hello Lar
I wish you were too. I wish I could buy you a sweater like mine and post it to you. It feels good  . I do feel strange though, not numb, not hurt, easier to describe it as not bothered, indifferent, and am not actually worried about all the other feelings coming back, somehow I know they won't, very odd. I was reading your birthday post earlier, I know what you are saying about being kind and caring and not being true to yourself if you don't wish him happy birthday, I was exactly the same, it's what kept me tied to him. But I don't feel it now, I am sorry for him, I pity him but sending happy birthday messages would not make any difference at all except let him know he is still attached, still free to abuse, it's not right. I have been reading stuff about taking back the power. I totally misunderstood it. It's not just about taking power from him. It's about finding your own. Keep reading your journals, that's the reality. Lots of love and really do wish you were here   xx

[JerryRG]

I'm happy for you Sadly
 

Keep doing well!

[Sadly]

Thanks Jerry   xx
You too. 

[Pipedreamer25]

Oh Sadly,  I am so thrilled for you.  I'm glad that you are enjoying your holiday and finding things that you want to do and doing them - please remember that you're worth it.  All the hugs   

[C.Stein]

Sadly,

I am very happy to hear you have gotten out of your hotel room and are enjoying your holiday.  Keeping your mind and time occupied with positive things will help keep your thoughts from turning to that all too familiar place of darkness and despair.  Remember this when you return home. 

[Sadly]

Thanks PD
I wish I could send us all my sweater with "I'm too busy today to think about you on", so good. It is an odd holiday, I am reading a lot, eating when I'm hungry and sleeping when I'm tired regardless of time of day, quite unstructured and good for me. I meet my brother to have a drink and dinner with every evening when he has finished work. Big hug to you too   x
C Stein
Thank you, your earlier post said everything I wanted to say and more about what has happened to us and how they made us feel.
I did receive another text earlier today, he said:
Am I still blocked? Again, didn't trigger me, no urge to reply, no sadness. Am surprised as I thought I may feel a sort of "stuff you you *****, now you know what ST is like, he must be so frustrated but I didn't, I just wish he would go away. The reason it's not really blocked is I don't trust him, I don't want him going to my house while I am away and I know him well enough that if he was going to do that he would text me and tell me, to worry me, knowing I was miles away and couldn't do anything about it. Once Zi am home I will block altogether. I won't falter when I get home, it is my plan to remove all the things he bought me so there is no chance of triggers and then just get on with my life. I couldn't tell you why I feel so strongly about this now where I didn't before. Of course I am bitterly sad that it happened and wish he wasn't tormented with this illness but I am done with it, as I said in my last email to him, finally he peeled the skin from my eyes.
Lots of love from Sadly xx

[hollow]

Glad to hear that!   

[Sadly]

Thanks Hollow, hope all is well with you   x

[Kelli Cornett]

He sounds like a love avoidant NPD. Not really BPD.

[Sadly]

Nope, he has all the BPD traits bar the obvious self harm, he doesn't cut but he does have alcohol and substance abuse problems.