Hello, new to the site

[DyanFx]

Hello, 
I'm an adult child with a uBPD mom.  We have worked through quite a bit but it seems this new event in her life has shaken everything up.
Because of that I'm revisiting my DBT exercises, and thought I'd join an online group for some support.  My siblings and I are not on the same page for how we get to a healthier point with her.

My pops is quite ill, which has her fraught with anxiety. And it seems she must transfer that, or do her best to shove it onto another.  If he dies, she will be alone.

I'm reading through the posts and am surprised there are so many of us out here.
My mom used to rage when we were young.  She has always presented well within the community, and does so now. She's mentioned before she never  "really got that compassion thing". She always Figured people  who were emotional were trying to get something from her. 
I know a little of her history, but had hear it from other people.
There was significant abuse in her life, of which set the stage for her to repeat it.

I find I do best dealing with her from 600 miles away.  We though are now looking at how to best help my pops and with that comes working with her. 
Pops wants help, and she's turning it down for them both.  My brother got pop to lay out what they need, and where we can help. Not happening. 

For the first time in a few years mom showed her teeth. Threatened to cause trouble between me and my sons, and daughter.  I doubt it would have effect, but was surprised by the threat. She was able to cause great heartache 10 yrs ago, fracturing the relationship between my siblings. One remains loyal to her and does her wishes. He believes we're out to get her. He must protect her from us.
At the time she threatened to turn them all against me. The fact that she did get one to hate us made me take her threats seriously.  I really thought we were past this stuff.  It just changes.  I'm here to learn and stay mentally healthy.

Thanks
Dyan

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome DyanFx: 

I'm an adult child with a uBPD mom.  We have worked through quite a bit but it seems this new event in her life has shaken everything up.  My pops is quite ill, which has her fraught with anxiety. And it seems she must transfer that, or do her best to shove it onto another.  If he dies, she will be alone. 

I'm sorry that your pops is so sick and that your mom's BPD has flared up.  Seems that there can be an extreme reaction to a fear of abandonment and/or stressful events.

How old are your parents?  What is the prognosis for your dad?

My parents both passed within 6 months of each other.  My dad had some BPD traits (although not enough to wear the label).  When my parents' health began to fail and we had to start working together on issues related to my parents, my sister exhibited BPD behavior.  I was painted black. 

I find I do best dealing with her from 600 miles away.  We are now looking at how to best help my pops and with that comes working with her.  Pops wants help, and she's turning it down for them both.  My brother got pop to lay out what they need, and where we can help. Not happening.  . . . My siblings and I are not on the same page for how we get to a healthier point with her.

What type of help would your father like?  What are your thoughts on how to best help your father?

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear your Dad is ill. That’s bound to provoke anxiety in your BPD mom, a BPD fear abandonment above all else.

You sound like you have the situation pegged. Once we know someone has BPD we can better guard against it. Welcome to the site. So what are your plans for helping your Dad ?

[Bushido]

Welcome to the BPD family... .
You are truely in good hands here.
Many amazing people here that will have your back
And support you thru the hard times.
I know... .I've been there!
And so have everyone in the forum.

[DyanFx]

My pop had a stroke.  Though he's recovered nicely he wants to move and be closer to us.  He's had 2, and the next one is predicted to be unrecoverable.  I think he's showing the same signs as he did before the previous ones. More confusion and headaches, getting lost, speech issues. He turns 75 this year, and she's close behind at 73.

They moved south for the weather 15 yrs ago and now are feeling quite alone. My mom is good to him but not as compassionate as one would like to see. She is her best to him, just indifferent more than she should be.

Moving of course requires physical help, requires selling a home, and then choosing who to live near.  All my siblings live within a few hours of each other but at minimum we sibs are almost 600 miles from them.

We can't make the move happen. But when my brother offered help Pops jumped at it. Never before has he wanted help.   Her spending is out of control again.  CC's are maxed
At this point my help is visiting and advising on the medical (job related) and advising on $$. i don't want the debt to kill him, but can't just give them cash if she won't stay on a budget.

Some of these issues are common for every adult child about helping a parent. With the  uBPD it adds complexity.  We used to see the BPD witch behavior in her, now it's more the Waif with the Witch in waiting. She related that she sees my brother as interfering and trying to take my dad from her. ?  She is afraid of losing control.

I've had 3 periods of NC, and years of LC. 
My brother doesn't see the uBPD. Thinks the mention of it years ago was me trying to ruin her, she said I was trying to destroy the family.  Which they all now see as untrue. But as soon as she starts up the brother and his wife see it as mom states.  I think it's what you called "painted black"
It's truly sad what she missed out on in life, trying to control us vs enjoy her children and grandchildren.
Thanks for the encouragement. It feels good to share where I know someone gets it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey DyanFx  

Moving of course requires physical help, requires selling a home, and then choosing who to live near.  All my siblings live within a few hours of each other but at minimum we sibs are almost 600 miles from them.

I can see how this would upset your mom.  Any stressful situation can set off a person with BPD.  Your father's strokes would be a stressful situation (and fear of abandonment from his failing health and eventual death).  Moving is a major event for anyone, so has to be a scary thing for your mom.

Who is the likely sibling that your parents would move closest to, if they were to move? A 600+ mile difference poses a challenge for combined assistance from the siblings.  Thinking the sibling best suited to get along with your parents and have available time, might be the better choice for where to move. Which sibling might that be?

You can't change your mom, only the way you interact and react.  All you can do is make whatever offers of help you can and then let the events unfold.  Your siblings will likely be around longer than your parents, so that is one thing to consider for the long run.

How long has it been since your dad's last stroke?  Any thoughts of what your mom would want to do after your dad passes?  We never know how things will actually go, but it is likely that your dad will pass first.  It can be hard to discuss these things.  We didn't in my family.  My mom would have been okay with moving to an assisted living facility, but my dad wouldn't have ever moved without a fight.  My dad died after complications from a broken neck (after a fall at home).  We didn't have to have the ultimate argument about parent's living situation, but it was something we could have well had to do.  

My brother doesn't see the uBPD. Thinks the mention of it years ago was me trying to ruin her, she said I was trying to destroy the family.  Which they all now see as untrue. But as soon as she starts up the brother and his wife see it as mom states.  I think it's what you called "painted black"

This link leads to an article on SPLITTING that might be helpful to read.  People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to see some people as all good (painted white) or all bad (painted black).  It can cycle back and forth and is commonly someone in the family (usually someone with whom they tend to have disagreements with).

There are several links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.