What do you do if you feel like it was your fault?

[PolandSpring4]

After my relationship ended and I was discarded very cruelly and replaced almost immediately, I had trouble determining how much of the blame I should accept. I've had a mental health professional tell me that I display some codependent traits. I was definitely insecure, jealous, and mildly controlling in the relationship. The guilt is overwhelming sometimes. I think that if I could have just been more accepting, I could have made things work. When she started withdrawing affection, I started drinking and it lead to some arguments. I wish I could have been more in control of my emotions. 6 months out and she's getting married in a few weeks. Today's my birthday, and I guess that's a big trigger for me. Our anniversary is in a couple weeks. I just miss her so much. We've been no contact for 3 months and I don't intend to break it.  I guess we all think about what could have been sometimes.

On the plus side, I've been in therapy for 6 months and I've been working on my own problems and I think I've made a lot of progress. Sorta wish I could get another shot at this relationship with the skills and knowledge I have now. That doesn't look likely now. Thanks for reading. It's nice to have an outlet. My friends are definitely tired of hearing about it!

[Larmoyant]

Hi Polandspring, Happy Birthday!

I remember reacting terribly sometimes and feel guilt about it and I'm familiar with the 'if I only knew then what I know now' kind of thinking. We got into a physical altercation once ending up with me being pushed down a hallway where I hit the wall. I was very scared and ran into a bedroom. It was my own fault because I'd pushed him first. He was trying to block my exit. I handled it terribly. I realise now that I must have triggered his abandonment fears and it makes me feel guilty and sad for him. Having said that it was incredibly stressful relationship and how could we have known what we were dealing with. I remember flailing around trying to cope either fleeing, freezing or fighting. It was terrible.

It must hurt knowing she's getting married and so soon after your split. It's so difficult to get my head around how they can just begin again like that, but remember the cycle goes around and around and the new guy, married or not, is probably next in line for the same poor treatment.

Regrets are difficult. You did the best you could at the time and now with your new found knowledge you're set to make your next relationship amazing which can only be a good thing.

Still, I'm sorry you're hurting. It takes a lot to get over these relationships.

[PolandSpring4]

Thank you so much for your words, Lamoryant. I actually teared up reading that in the gym. Luckily not a lot of people workout here at 1 AM! It's hard to shake that feeling that you really hurt and let down someone you love more than anything. It does get easier with time. I guess I just need more of it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi PolandSpring-

Happy Birthday!  Hope you had a good one yesterday.

I've had a mental health professional tell me that I display some codependent traits. I was definitely insecure, jealous, and mildly controlling in the relationship. The guilt is overwhelming sometimes. I think that if I could have just been more accepting, I could have made things work.

What would you be more accepting of?  When we put someone else's needs ahead of our own, helped along by someone shaming us and trying to make us feel guilty for not putting their needs first, it can seem like the key to making things work is to be more accepting of our partner's behavior, even when we aren't getting our needs met, or maybe even aware we have them and what they are.  Any of that speak to you?

When she started withdrawing affection, I started drinking and it lead to some arguments. I wish I could have been more in control of my emotions.

What about her emotions?  Why did she start withdrawing affection, was it as a means to control you, or push behavior of a borderline, or something else?  And you weren't getting your needs met so you numbed that with booze, a tack I'm very familiar with myself, and interpreted by a borderline as abandonment.

[C.Stein]

I was definitely insecure, jealous, and mildly controlling in the relationship. The guilt is overwhelming sometimes. I think that if I could have just been more accepting, I could have made things work.

I think it is natural to question our role in a failed relationship, especially when someone places all the blame at your feet.  I also have carried a fair amount of guilt, some deserved and the rest not.  Own what is yours to own, nothing more.  Chances are better than not, being more accepting wouldn't have changed a thing with her.

It is good you can see where you went wrong.  The next step is to identify why this happened and how you can avoid it in the future.  So to that end, what do you think caused this type of behavior in you?

[swampgas95]

I agree with several others here. I know that I made mistakes in my relationship, but none of that changes who she is/was! They put you in a no win situation. If you shower them with attention, they feel engulfed and push you away. If you back away to give them space, their abandonment fears come into play and they say you don't care and aren't giving them the attention they need. It was like walking a hair sized tightrope for 4 years!

Here's the thing, you couldn't have done anything else to change the outcome. There were a certain number of doors to choose from, but they all led to the same exact place. You can't beat yourself up over this. You will NEVER meet their needs. How can you when they don't even know what the hell they are? It's like trying to shoot a moving target at 300 meters blindfolded. The guilt you feel is because of the mental and emotional rape you endured. Rape victims often report struggling with self blame during their recovery as well. It's hard not to. But the bottom line is that you did nothing to deserve the treatment you received.

Here are the things I feel guilty for:
- Staying in an abusive relationship for as long as I did
- Subjecting my kids to such an awful creature
- Wasting 4 good years of my life on her

Notice there is no guilt towards her in my list. The fact is that anything I did to her in the relationship doesn't even come close to reconciling the harm she caused me. She deserved everything I said to her. She made me the person who said those things. I was never that person before she changed me. I'm back to not being that person now, which just validates the fact that I wasn't the problem. I'm in a healthy relationship now, with a healthy/whole person and we discuss things as adults. We have differences, but we deal with them in a respectful manner. Gone are the days when I would curse, throw things, yell, cry, leave, come back, leave again, and everything else that she pulled out of me. It was her intent all along.

You can only poke a bear with a stick so many times before that bear reacts in a violent manner. My BPDex would intentionally poke and poke and poke until she got the reaction she wanted. Then she would start crying, call me an abusive a-hole, and blame me for all of the problems in the relationship. She never stopped to look at her own behavior that caused my reaction. And we aren't talking about overcooking the chicken types of things either. She would call me a bi$#@, called my daughter a whore, called my mom a c#@t, said she wanted to fu$# my friend, and many other things. It's normal and healthy to react to those types of offenses. In fact, I know now that when I did react, I was actually putting up boundaries.

I know it's hard, but you have to let go of the any guilt for the person with BPD and even the guilt you feel for your actions. They are simply important reference points in your life that you can refer to in the future. Everything happens for a reason and if you don't learn/adapt from this experience, it will just happen again. Guilt won't help you do that because the things you did weren't ever the problem. The disorder was, and the disorder will always win.

[TheSinister]

I just wanted to share with you my expirience on this subject and
Then I read what swampgas95 wrote just now and I couldnt agree more, it really is likely ke that, no matter what yiu do they will always
Find a way to devalue you of n the end.

I really been where you are now and thought that if I could change things in me we could make it work. But nothing did... you only finding that this disorder is stronger then both of you. Dont ho back and dont break NC just regroup and stay safe ;-)

[FallBack!Monster]

Swampgas95
Almost made me tear up. I feel so much of what you feel. Today was such a hard day. I could have written those words myself. I know I'm not wrong for feeling invalidated, disrespected and that my needs were not being met. I know that but like today I want to yell, WHY DO I CARE?  . Today the guilty feelings was torturing me. Yes I wish I knew then what I know now. What I don't know, which scares me, with my new found knowledge (I read every day about people like him & I'm my situation) would I have handled it differently even with what I know now that I didn't know then. Idk bc I'm not sure I would feel any different. I wanted to write here all day but I was stuck at the hospital. I want to call him so bad but bad idea. I want to try again but bad idea. I want to forgive, forget, start over, care a lot less but I just haven't. Idk what to do. I know I lost his trust as a person. We said we were going to try being life long friends even if it didn't work out with us. Sometimes I have relaxed, thank God I'm not with him days but sometimes I wish I could have my friend back. I don't think he thinks the same way. Im sure he sees himself as the victim every time. I'm sure he don't think of me unless I text or call him to see how he is today or so. Be probably can only feel that I disappointed him as a friend but if I didn't then I would have disappointed myself. No way out. No escape!

[Grissum69]

I agree with several others here. I know that I made mistakes in my relationship, but none of that changes who she is/was! They put you in a no win situation. If you shower them with attention, they feel engulfed and push you away. If you back away to give them space, their abandonment fears come into play and they say you don't care and aren't giving them the attention they need. It was like walking a hair sized tightrope for 4 years!

Here's the thing, you couldn't have done anything else to change the outcome. There were a certain number of doors to choose from, but they all led to the same exact place. You can't beat yourself up over this. You will NEVER meet their needs. How can you when they don't even know what the hell they are? It's like trying to shoot a moving target at 300 meters blindfolded. The guilt you feel is because of the mental and emotional rape you endured. Rape victims often report struggling with self blame during their recovery as well. It's hard not to. But the bottom line is that you did nothing to deserve the treatment you received.

Here are the things I feel guilty for:
- Staying in an abusive relationship for as long as I did
- Wasting 4 good years of my life on her

Notice there is no guilt towards her in my list. The fact is that anything I did to her in the relationship doesn't even come close to reconciling the harm she caused me. She deserved everything I said to her. She made me the person who said those things. I was never that person before she changed me. I'm back to not being that person now, which just validates the fact that I wasn't the problem.

I know it's hard, but you have to let go of the any guilt for the person with BPD and even the guilt you feel for your actions. They are simply important reference points in your life that you can refer to in the future. Everything happens for a reason and if you don't learn/adapt from this experience, it will just happen again. Guilt won't help you do that because the things you did weren't ever the problem. The disorder was, and the disorder will always win.

Can I get an AMEN!   

[hollow]

Can I get an AMEN!

AMEN!

[jarrad2121]

swampgas95, your post on this subject was the best thing I've read all day and much needed. I lived that SAME exact life with the same exact provocations and still live with some type of regret for the way I would finally explosively react after putting up with it over and over and over. And by putting up with it, I mean instead of reacting poorly or even at all, I would spend all my time trying to calm her down and appease her, fix whatever it was she was raging about (even though often times I didn't even know or it didn't make sense at all), and trying like h__l to keep her from being mad at me or threatening to end the r/s. Like you, I've never in my life been that type of person before her (in terms of reacting explosively like that) and never even witnessed that kind of toxicity and volatility in a r/s of any kind. Not mine or anyone else's. You're exactly right though... .that was the precise reaction she was looking for from me so she could turn everything around on me and tell me I was the entire problem with our r/s. It was crazy making and the most difficult experience(s) of my 42 years on this planet.