How to move on... feeling stuck

[Herodias]

What does moving on really look like? I feel stuck I- had a long talk with a good friend and he just thinks I have been pretending to be tough to everyone. I tried with three different ways
For so long that I haven't let myself grieve. Now I am crying all the time. It didn't Help that my ex moved out of state with his gf familys,something he wouldn't do for me. My mom thinks it's the baby- he is setting to be with her family so he can leave. Me crying over a little lost love, lost dream and lost time as I am Ten years older having married this guy! I dislike this immature
Narcissistic brat she can't stick to marraige.
 
What does moving on mean?
 
To me it's dating/ I haven't found Anyone. I have done everything thing else. I'm sad because I am alone after ten years of helping someone only to be left ten years older with no options I'm depressed... .

[Sunfl0wer]

Moving on for me is about learning to love myself and care for myself again.

It is about repairing the relationship with myself that was neglected and lost in the progression of my prior relationship.

It is about finding and living my values again.

It is about learning what it means to thrive and love life vs surviving and struggling through.

It is an ongoing process.
I am still on it.

Maybe a partner will be part of my ongoing process at some point
But certainly has nothing to do with anyone but me
It is independent of another
It is all about me

[VitaminC]

What does moving on really look like?
 
What does moving on mean?
 
To me it's dating/ I haven't found Anyone. I have done everything thing else.

Hi Herodias,

Dating might come at the end of having "moved on".

I actually dislike the concept of "moving on", as if we leave the past behind us in the dust and it doesn't matter anymore.

We are, and remain, interconnected with anyone who has ever passed through us, for better or for worse. I came across a great quote by the writer Elena Ferrante some time ago: " ... .no person is ever definitively relegated to silence, even if we long ago broke off relations with that person—out of anger, by chance, or because the person died. I can’t even think without the voices of others, much less write. And I’m not talking only about relatives, female friends, enemies. I’m talking about others, men and women who today exist only in images: in television or newspaper images... ."

So "moving on" means, perhaps, accepting that the traces or residue of everything that's ever happened to you is part of who you are today.  Even, maybe especially, "bad" or hurtful things can serve us, if we can figure out how.

If you find yourself crying all the time now, because you didn't allow yourself to grieve before, then maybe that's what you need to do right now. Grief is really important and allowing it can be hard, but very healing. I found this thread to be useful to me: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292033.0.   Grief is grief, regardless of the reasons for it.

To me, "moving on" has meant, means, looking deeply within my own processes and mechanisms and kind of loving myself despite of, because of, all my flaws. All the things I think of as flaws. Identifying those things has been really helpful, and in fact, happened right here on these boards, with the insightful help of other members. I had a bit of a tough time with it, just a month or so ago, and was angry and impatient with myself. I knew myself well enough to know that that meant I was getting close to something and that I wanted, had to, stick with it. I bared myself here and was surprised that no one said "yuck, go away". Funny, perhaps, but true. No one told me that I was kind of icky.

Because I felt icky about myself. But I guess I'm not

That was a huge, and very healing, thing for me. To tell my biggest secret fear and have no one back off in disgust. I define that as "moving on" .

What do you think? Is there anything like that for you?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Hero-

What does moving on really look like? I feel stuck I-
 
What does moving on mean?

Sunflower and VC have given us good stuff here, valuable.  To add, moving on from what?  Are we moving on from a relationship that didn't work out, moving on in life, moving on on our evolution as a human?  There are a few moving ons... .

And if we focus on the detachment from a relationship with a borderline, kind of the point for folks in that place around here, and reviewing the stages of detachment again, the last one is Freedom.  Freedom can mean what we make it mean, and have we moved on from a failed relationship when we feel free of it?  Emotionally, mentally, spiritually free?  I say yes.

But what does that look like, to go back to your question.  There are stages of grieving too, one of which is depression, and is your good friend right, that you haven't let yourself grieve?  Crying a lot is good in a way, the only way out is through.  And crying is what pain leaving feels like.

So Freedom, Detachment, is that place we get to where we don't think about our ex much, if at all, they are a part of our past, we brought the lessons and maybe a few wrinkles with us into the present, and can use them as part of creating an empowered future.  And when we do think of our ex we don't feel strong emotions as a result, we don't feel anything really, it's neutral, or maybe a little positive because we've now developed some compassion.  But none of that is getting in the way or influencing our decisions moving forward.  We are free.

[C.Stein]

What does moving on mean?

The first thing I feel it should mean is to stop living in the past.  This is something you have yet to achieve.  

The second thing is acceptance.  It is very difficult to accept what has happened, but accept you must if you ever want to let it go.
 
To that end, how do you think you can achieve these two goals?

[Sunfl0wer]

The second thing is acceptance.  It is very difficult to accept what has happened, but accept you must if you ever want to let it go.

Just wanting to expand on this point.
For me, acceptance was really important and also an evolving process.

My T said it just takes time for the heart and mind to align, they eventually will, just takes time.  There was the part of my heart that needed time for grieving and experiencing its pain to be able to catch up to the logical mind that knew long ago there was no way to be together.  The heart needed to go through its own process in order to align with the mind.  

I feel like the process of grieving was happening in stages.  Not one full storm, then done, but more like in waves and layers.  There was a lot of grieving that first year.  Grief over no more vacations to see his family, redefining myself around times my internal rhythm just sought him for a holiday, anniversary, or seeing others acting like we did as a couple or such, or the time my car broke, and my instinct was to call him for help.  My mind needed the whole year to go through events redefining his place in my life.

The grieving happened in layers because I needed to grieve parts on their own... .
-loss of SD
-loss of culture/cooking/traditions
-loss of partner at work event
Etc.

I feel this falls under the category of "acceptance" because a part of me was always still hoping for a reunion, even though logically I knew this made no sense.  Part of me had to accept each part was over.  I had to accept I would not be calling his mom on her birthday any longer, even.  I had to accept he no longer would repair my laptop.  Until things were occurring for which my inner mind expected to reach out to him, it had to learn a new way of thinking... .And this unfolded as the year passed and major events happened and I knew a new way of thinking which did not include associating so much with him in my mind any longer.

It is hard to explain, sorry for the long windedness, but like my mind had to be reprogrammed to life without him until the urge to call if say, I went to the hospital, no longer existed at all.

There was a lot to accept
A lot to redefine and rework inside my mind

I had to loose all expectations of him and anything about/related to him for good.

[Freeatlast_1]

To me the process of moving on is going through all the stages of grief and finally accepting the situation. It is when you wake up in the morning and you go on with your day without thinking about your ex. It is when you start living life and enjoying your hobbies, going out with friends, making new friends, taking vacations, and occasionally thinking about your ex with the mindset of "wow, I have not thought about him for a while now" . It is when you think of your ex sleeping with someone else, you're not affected at all. I have reached that stage with exes. It is really great whenever you hit that stage. Sometimes I picture my EX sleeping with others, and nothing happens to me. That thought alone was the most terrifying thought that would cross your mind back then when I was with her. It was like a million knifes in my chest at that time. The fact that now I don't care, and the fact that I'm living life, is proof that I've moved on. It is a process however, but you can make it faster if you want to. You have to first take care of yourself, build your self-esteem by working on your interpersonal relationships, having a good support group, friends or family, getting back to the gym, pampering yourself. It is celebrating your life, because now the focus is on you, you have to have a relationship with yourself, love yourself, and nurture that inner child the suffered for so long. It really should not matter what he's doing at this point, because if your relationship was healthy it would not have ended. And if he has BPD, he will probably have issues with the next relationship as well. I know with my ex, even though she is in DBT, as well as individual therapy, her BPD requires years of therapy and determination. I cannot wait years, that is IF she gets better. There is still a chance that she will remain dysfunctional. I can tell you we have one life to live, and it is unfair to waste more time dwelling over the ex and what he's doing. We have already wasted enough time. Now is the time to give back to ourselves.

[Moselle]

Hi Herodias,  

There have been some very good responses to your question. I think I can most relate to what FHTH says about depression being OK and a valid part of the process.

In that moment when we feel it however, we reach out for anything to stop the pain. Whew. I've been there.

Moving on is so multifaceted and unique to us. The biggest thing for me has been honesty. If I'm depressed. I'm honest about it not trying to pretend I'm fine. In this way I give myself time and space to be depressed, feel angry, sad, shamed, devastated. I even emphasise it and then miraculously it passes, because I have given it space and airtime. I don't let it dwell by suppressing it.

Sometimes it's just survival. Sometimes we thrive. Sometimes we suffer and sometimes we are on purpose. It's all part of the human experience. It's meant to be that way.

Hang in there.