What is wrong with me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have filed for divorce from my wife who has BPD. She has all the traits. When we dated at first, I was amazing and the love of her life. But on the third date, we were walking up stairs and a woman who was a stranger to both of us asked me an innocuous question. I said I did not know. When I took my then lady friend home, she shut down. I asked what happened. She gave some excuse. That was the beginning of a pattern in which every woman I knew and some I did not were a threat. She was jealous of my housekeeper, my best friends wives, etc. Then the splitting continued with weekly anger/rages blaming me. The triggers were I looked at my phone, watched TV, read the news on my iPad. I never knew what was going to set her off. There was the insecurity, controlling, jealousy, raging and other bad behavior. I kept trying to leave but coming back. Finally, I just could not take it anymore. I am in my early 70's and this craziness is going to shorten my life even more. So I am leaving. I understand her but I don't understand why I pick and stay with damaged women who abuse me. Obviously I have very low self esteem and codependency issues. Have to start over at this old age. But I had to choose between being alone and being abused. I finally chose the former.

[RippedTorn]

I have filed for divorce from my wife who has BPD. She has all the traits. When we dated at first, I was amazing and the love of her life. But on the third date, we were walking up stairs and a woman who was a stranger to both of us asked me an innocuous question. I said I did not know. When I took my then lady friend home, she shut down. I asked what happened. She gave some excuse. That was the beginning of a pattern in which every woman I knew and some I did not were a threat. She was jealous of my housekeeper, my best friends wives, etc. Then the splitting continued with weekly anger/rages blaming me. The triggers were I looked at my phone, watched TV, read the news on my iPad. I never knew what was going to set her off. There was the insecurity, controlling, jealousy, raging and other bad behavior. I kept trying to leave but coming back. Finally, I just could not take it anymore. I am in my early 70's and this craziness is going to shorten my life even more. So I am leaving. I understand her but I don't understand why I pick and stay with damaged women who abuse me. Obviously I have very low self esteem and codependency issues. Have to start over at this old age. But I had to choose between being alone and being abused. I finally chose the former.

[heartandwhole]

Hi RippedTorn,

I'm so sorry that you are divorcing. That is very painful to go through. I really understand your choosing to be alone rather than abused, and I'm sorry that it had to get to that point. I think most of us here have asked ourselves why we stayed in these kinds of situations—I know I did. You are definitely not alone.  

You've found a great place for support. Starting over can be difficult, but I really think it's worth the journey. The members here understand what you are going through; we've been in similar situations. This website also has tons of tools and resources to make things better. And things really DO get better. There is hope.

How long were you together with your wife, RippedTorn? What kind of contact do you have with her at the moment—are you still living together? How have your family members/friends reacted?

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[RippedTorn]

Have been married 18 months. Been with the madness dating and married 3 1/2 years. My wife went to get help but therapists were sympathetic to her lies about all the stuff I supposedly did. They never recognized it was BPD. When I sent a description of it to the therapist, she told my wife to tear it up. You don't have that problem. So without any self-acceptance that she has a problem, my wife continued her splitting, blaming, and rages. So I realized it was too damaging to me to continue.

[heartandwhole]

So I realized it was too damaging to me to continue.

I really understand that, Ripped. I couldn't continue with my relationship either, and it really hurt to let go.

What are your living arrangements now?  Do you have a support system?

heartandwhole

[RippedTorn]

I own a home. My wife is still living here. I have filed for divorce. Am trying to get her out. May have to get a restraining order. Have a lot of friends both male and female. They are very supportive. Don't feel alone in this. And my attorney is great (a woman) and she is upset that this is happening to me so another means of emotional support.