Borderline Irrational Jealousy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife has an incredible imagination about my being trustworthy. Here is an example of her borderline thinking. We went to her brother's wedding. The sister of the bride attended. I had never met her and she was from a distant state. I ignored her because my wife is so jealous. When I took a photo of the new bride and groom, the sister asked me to text her the photo to show their mother. I thought OH NO. But I obliged. Immediately my wife shut down and then started raging. I said to her: What are you feeling? She said "It is not what I am feeling but what I am thinking. So I asked "What are you thinking?" She said the sister now has my phone number. She is going to text or call you. Then you will connect with her. Then you will begin an affair. So ridiculous. I still am not sure whether this thinking was due to the usual fear of abandonment issue OR whether my wife has been so promiscuous that she expects every man to be unfaithful.

[RippedTorn]

My wife has an incredible imagination about my being trustworthy. Here is an example of her borderline thinking. We went to her brother's wedding. The sister of the bride attended. I had never met her and she was from a distant state. I ignored her because my wife is so jealous. When I took a photo of the new bride and groom, the sister asked me to text her the photo to show their mother. I thought OH NO. But I obliged. Immediately my wife shut down and then started raging. I said to her: What are you feeling? She said "It is not what I am feeling but what I am thinking. So I asked "What are you thinking?" She said the sister now has my phone number. She is going to text or call you. Then you will connect with her. Then you will begin an affair. So ridiculous. I still am not sure whether this thinking was due to the usual fear of abandonment issue OR whether my wife has been so promiscuous that she expects every man to be unfaithful.

[JerryRG]

Hello RippedTorn

This subject was always an issue with me too, right from the very beginning. One of the first nights we were together my exgf stared into my eyes and that stare penitrated through any bounderies I thought I had, I was in awe, it was as if she could see my soul, my secrets, my deepest desires, I was completely defenseless. Never forget her eyes and how that brief encounter stunned me to my core, I've received this stare from other women but this was different, it was so much more powerful.

We later stopped at a fast food drive through, a friendly female waited on us, I was in a great mood because I got those "eyes" just a short time earlier so I'm beaming and I was high on new love. The fast food female must have touched a nerve with my new girlfriend.

After the 15 second convo I turned toward my gf expecting smiles and those eyes so full of love for me, I didn't see love, I seen jealous rage.

She interrogated me on the spot, jealously reacting to just smiles and seconds of small talk with a complete stranger.

My ego liked her being jealous of me, yep, my stupid ego almost got me killed. Red Flag? Stupid ego

[fromheeltoheal]

I still am not sure whether this thinking was due to the usual fear of abandonment issue OR whether my wife has been so promiscuous that she expects every man to be unfaithful.

That's a pretty good analysis RippedTorn.  Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment is an official trait of the disorder, and that seems accurate for you situation, and then don't we all assume everyone thinks the way we do?  That's the easiest path really, and learning how someone thinks that is different from us is at least interesting and sometimes eye opening.  My ex was never faithful to any of her partners, and so she firmly believed that no one else was either, it was a foreign concept to her, and of course if someone feels ashamed of their behavior they can project that on someone else to off it and feel better.

So how is all this sitting with you right now Ripped?

[RippedTorn]

After three and a half years of jealousy and anger, I filled for divorce. I deserve better and was a fool for letting it go on this long. When we dated, I knew she was insecure but could not understand why. She is beautiful and has a great body. Men stare at her and flirt with her. So I stupidly assumed that I could "fix" the insecurity by making more of a commitment. First, I got engaged. She was extatic but quickly turned back to her old ways of treating me. So then (DUH) I proposed and finally got married. The more commitment I made, the worse she got. I guess more commitment = more risk of what she feared if I abandoned her. Finally, her fears drove me to do just that - - self fulfilling prophecy.

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess more commitment = more risk of what she feared if I abandoned her. Finally, her fears drove me to do just that - - self fulfilling prophecy.

Good awareness again Ripped.  Yes, the closer we get to a borderline, the more the opposing fears of both abandonment and engulfment are triggered, and then the relationship ends, partly or mostly caused by the behaviors but we also had our part, and the fear of abandonment does become a self fulfilling prophesy.

So you filed for divorce and have concluded you deserve better; good for you!  Are you still living together?

[RippedTorn]

Yes we are still in the same house because in CA I cannot get her out until the divorce is final. Even though I have a prenup, she is planning to challenge it just out of vindictiveness. I am trying to just stay away from her. She said she wanted us to just get along and not fight, but like before, she then will start attacking me verbally again. Just an angry woman who can never see her side of what happened and can take no blame. How should I behave when I am stuck with her in the house? I know if I allow a discussion, that will become a battering. Maybe the best approach is not to talk to her at all. That makes her crazy but at least I will finally have some boundaries.

[fromheeltoheal]

How should I behave when I am stuck with her in the house?

Maybe the best approach is not to talk to her at all. That makes her crazy but at least I will finally have some boundaries.

Yes, and good for you with the boundaries.  A borderline will interpret that as abandonment, which combined with filing for divorce it is, so you can expect pull behavior, her trying to keep you.  Could be a tense situation in that house, not that it hasn't been already, is there somewhere you can go now and then, little vacations or whatever just to get a break?

[RippedTorn]

Yes I keep busy and have a lot of friends for support. I am angry but not bitter. I brought this on myself for being weak and having no boundaries. So instituting some now is good practice for the future. I can get away too by taking some short trips. It is tense but becoming less so. I know if she hits me (which has never happened), breaks something or is unusually nasty, I can get a restraining order to have her stay away or even throw her out. In CA we have elder abuse also so that is another option. I have made it as uncomfortable for her being here as possible. I feel it will resolve itself someway fairly soon because she cannot take the fact that I am not responding as usual to her.

[hurting300]

I was jealous like that BUT I had reason to be.

[CitizenBell]

Since it was a short relationship I never saw anything extreme but there was definitely jealousy.

When I was volunteering abroad I sent her a long message about the farm mentioned there was another volunteer there, the only part of the message she picked up on was that there was another girl there and she only said "What's she like?" She said she trusted me but she was jealous because they got to spend their time with me when she didn't.

She didn't even like that I was good friends with a middle-aged woman in the office.

She had a picture posted on FB of herself and a friend when she was at school. I commented on it saying how cute she looked and her friend replied jokingly saying thanks. My ex was like "I'll have to have a word with her" thinking her friend was flirting with me.

I mentioned I was going to (my sister's name's) place for a visit and she was like "Who's that?"

She would always ask if I still loved her. So insecure and needy. Never thought she'd be the one breaking up.

[Larmoyant]

I can certainly relate to this one. My ex's jealousy and fear of abandonment was also extreme so much so that we couldn't go out anywhere without it manifesting in some way or other.

My ex would make up scenarios in his head to prove I was untrustworthy. I'd dated a nice, but not a good match, person very briefly a year or so after my divorce and told my exBPD bf about this. He later twisted this relationship and accused me of cheating on my exhusband with this man despite me not knowing him when I was married! He had the timeline all worked out he said confirming what a terrible, untrustworthy person I was. Tryng to defend myself I offered to phone my exhusband to confirm that I'd never cheated on him! This coming from a man who admitted cheating on his wife.

I wish you well with the divorce RT. Hope she leaves you in peace soon.  

[kc sunshine]

This kind of jealousy is also what led to the end of my relationship as well. It came to a head when she took my phone and looked through all my messages for evidence and did not like my friendly texts to my friends. I often replay that scenario in my head-- one of the counterscenarios in my head is that when she did that I asked to see her phone as well. Has anyone had any experience with that? Calling the bluff on their projections?

[Mars22]

Yes indeed. My ex would always accuse me of constantly looking at other women and cheating. She would even enlist her friends to watch when we'd be at the same bar together. Her triangulation partner, if you will.

Would you believe her own father told her that "... ALL men are always looking for the next best thing... " Her own father told her that! Most certainly, this compounded her irrational fears that would eventually creep into our r/s and fuel her volatile mix unstable emotions.

And in there is what drives us crazy. Knowing in our sane minds that we are full well innocent of these strong irrational accusations but, being held up and found guilty with all the voracity that it actually happened.

Talking down somebody from their our delusions is not an easy task. Sadly, I failed most of the time.