Been a while, but things have gotten really bad.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Didn't post for a while, cos things were going pretty well, and I was away on business a lout the last two weeks.

Really started to think I could make it work, but I was wrong. So wrong. I was only fooling myself.

She's abusive. She's an abuser. She bit and beat me with a broom on Monday. She blames me, as off I hadn't done something, she wouldn't have done it.

[PFCI]

Didn't post for a while, cos things were going pretty well, and I was away on business a lout the last two weeks.

Really started to think I could make it work, but I was wrong. So wrong. I was only fooling myself.

She's abusive. She's an abuser. She bit and beat me with a broom on Monday. She blames me, as off I hadn't done something, she wouldn't have done it.

[PFCI]

Seriously, she wants me to apologise, and won't accept attacking me was wrong.  She completely blames me, like I forced her to do it. 

I can't accept this life anymore.  The stress is causing me to behave in a way that isn't good for me.  I don't want to do things I will regret. 

Can I really break away from her control this time?   Part of me really wants to apologise to her, and get things back to normal ASAP.  But that's wrong.  I can't do that anymore.  I have to change things.

[formflier]

DO NOT APOLOGIZE!

I am so glad you are able to be open with your inner struggle.  This shows that you are making headway in changing "your part" of the dysfunctional dance that your relationship had become over the years.

I would also challenge you to have empathy that it feels weird for your wife as well. DO NOT let this empathy lead you to apologize.

That being said... .

It is not your job to get her to accept that what she is doing is wrong.

It IS your job to NOT take responsibility for things that you haven't done or aren't responsible for.

Big picture:  She is trying to "hand you" or "toss at you" the responsibility for this event.  All you have to do is "not catch it".

Just let it land on the floor and go on with your life.

The details of you and she ended up in this situation are important, and I hope you will post them.

What are your thoughts on my post? 

Your post was very insightful.  You know that YOU have to change things.  Focus on the things YOU can change.

Hang in there... .

FF

[HopefulDad]

IIRC, you are the one in Japan who will have zero chance to win custody of your kid, right?  Is this true even if you have video recorded cases of physical abuse?  Get clarity on this from a lawyer there.  If video evidence of physical abuse will sway things in your favor, you know what you have to do.

[formflier]

Definitely consult a lawyer.

Ask about recording when another party has not given consent.  Laws vary in the US on this... .you need to know what laws are over there.

Perhaps you may even end up weighing the cost of "illegally" recording versus the benefit of "proving" or "the truth".

This is not an area for guesswork.  Talk to a lawyer.


Also... .if you do have recordings... .DO NOT show them to your wife.  It won't "prove" anything to them other than you can't be trusted. 
 

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PFCI, That's the problem: the cycle repeats and will continue to repeat unless and until you decide to do something about it.  Sure, you want to apologize and get things back on an even keel, but how long do you think that will last?  Suggest you be careful.  I was once as stressed out as you sound, and it can cause behavior that you might later regret.  Disengage or walk away if things start to escalate, OK?

LuckyJim

[PFCI]

I've barely spoken to her since Monday night, when it happened. 

Tuesday, I came home late, and we avoided each other.   I slept on the floor downstairs, as I had Monday night.  Wednesday, I was away on business.  Thursday, I came home late she was angry I hadn't apologized for what happened that day (although I did at that time, before she attacked me).  Honestly, I think she feels bad that she attacked me, and is projecting it onto me as anger.

Although, as the night went on, she seemed to soften?  She was in the bath with the kids (normal in Japan), and invited me to get in as well.  I didn't, as I don't want to be near her now.  I did my evening chores, then avoided her for the rest of the evening.  Slept in the bed last night, although I didn't feel that comfortable, and we ignored each other for the few minutes we met before I left for work today.

I can tell she thinks this will be the same as always, returning to 'normal' after a period, but I feel something changed in me this time. 

Hardest thing is to accept the woman I thought I married really isn't there.  She's gone, if she was ever there at all.  That hurts a lot.  I have to accept my marriage is over, and find a new way to relate to this abusive woman I live with, until I leave.  Which I will, eventually. 

I've felt kinda like this before, but I hope this time I can finally push past the point of no return, finally accepting the reality of my situation, not the fanatasy that we can somehow be happy together.

It's hard, though.  Never wanted to see her unhappy.  Never wanted to get divorced.  Why did I have to end up in this horrific situation？

[Panda39]

PFCI, your wife wanting you to apologize for her actions sound like projection to me... .

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Below is a link to more on projection... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

We have a saying around here and that is "don't validate the invalid".  You apologizing here would be doing that.  The abusive behaviors are hers and she has to live with that. 

If you are not already doing so document this incident somewhere and I agree with the others it's time to talk to a lawyer.  You need to find out what your rights and options are, not simply assume things are a particular way.

Panda39

[formflier]

It's hard, though.  Never wanted to see her unhappy.  Never wanted to get divorced.  Why did I have to end up in this horrific situation？

This is really hard stuff.  We are here for you.

Relationships help mature and change us.  You will change.  Your wife will change.

You have the power... .and the responsibility to "nudge" that change in the right direction.  It won't be easy. 

I think it will be worth it.

Hang in there.

FF

[PFCI]

Just arrived home ad's got completely blanked as she went to pick up the kids.

Dinner it's on the table, but last time I ate it I got called a their.

But if I don't, that's trouble too. Classic double bind. Happens a lot. She's good at them.

[formflier]

Eat and enjoy.  Thank her.  Don't accept the double bind. 

If she says you are thief... .

"Wow... .that must be troubling... ." (bemused sort of way)... .  Tell her you will be back in 5 minutes... .walk to another room to calm.  Come back and don't speak of it again...

FF

[Lucky Jim]

It's hard, though.  Never wanted to see her unhappy.  Never wanted to get divorced.  Why did I have to end up in this horrific situation？

hey PFCI, I've been there, my friend.  Never dreamed that I would go through a divorce from my BPDxW, which was the last thing I wanted for my kids.  Yet sometimes change is a good thing and leads to greater happiness for all.  My Ex and I had a high-conflict marriage, which wasn't good for the kids.  I like to think that, by parting ways, it helped reduce stress on them.  Also demonstrated that change is possible.  It's hard, I agree, but sometimes the right thing to do is hard.

LuckyJim

[ohmygod]

Taking mental abuse waiting for your kids to grow up is one thing but you have to find a way to stop physical abuse. Simply because she can hit you in a bad way and end up killing you or hurting you in a way that will cause you serious health issues for the rest of your life. I have seen it happen, do not allow her to do that to you. Draw a line, you are entitled as a human being to feel safe from physical harm.

[PFCI]

If you are not already doing so document this incident somewhere and I agree with the others it's time to talk to a lawyer.  You need to find out what your rights and options are, not simply assume things are a particular way.

Panda39

I photo any physical injuries that I suffer, that are automatically backed up to various places.   I also write about abuse, and upload pictures to a private twitter account for dated evidence.

[PFCI]

So, late last Friday night, about midnight, she decides to have it ou\t with me.  Starts the conversation by basically picking a fight with me over something minor.

The accusations and threats or leaving me and divorcing me to try and make me back down and apologise continue until 2 or 3 am? But I don't budge, even when she gets changed, threatens to walk out the door at that moment, and only return with the divorce paper.  I don't back down for 2 reasons. 1)  I know she's bluffing.  She wants to own and control me forever.  And she's scare dof being alone in actual fact.  2) If she really went through with it, I'd probably just sign it, and breath a sigh of relief. 

Eventually, she cracks, comes over to me, starts hugging me and crying, saying she loves me and doesn't want a divorce, and she's lonely when I'm not around.  Still doesn't apologize for attacking me, and doesn't promise to stop doing it, though.

Next day, everything is sweetness and light.  She buys me some new glasses ('cos the one's I have make me look angry, apparently), and then decides to invite my Mother to Japan for Christmas!  She basically swings from one extreme to the other.

And that's one of the biggest problems with dealing with her.  It's hard not to get caught in the cycle of 'everything is great' to 'everything is terrible' that she creates.  This time, though, I'm not going along for the ride.  For example, to counter the super happy vibes she's putting out, I put a photo of the bite mark on my hand as my phone lock-screen photo.  So I can remember the reality of my marriage even when it's going well.

Also, on this Tuesday and last night, there were a couple of minor rages, showing her cycle of super happy to more usually super angry is about a week.  Funniest one was Tuesday night, where she put a bandage on my injured toe, but gave it a squeeze at the end to male sure the plaster stayed stuck.  She didn't realize that it would hurt like hell, and so I started screaming, but she got angry at me about it!  More projection, I think... .

Also, it's interesting that it seems that in the big fight on Friday night, I told her that I don't think she loves me.  I've said this before, and it always seems to hit home with her.  So when she was buying me new glasses, and talking about inviting my mum to Japan, she kept saying 'But I don't love you, right'.  Passive aggressive? 

[formflier]

Talk me through the decision you made to discuss this for a couple of hours.

Did you consider leaving the discussion or rescheduling it later when both of you were rested?

Big picture:  I think you did much better in this discussion... .you stood your ground.  Do you think there is something better you could have done?

FF

[PFCI]

It's hard, though.  Never wanted to see her unhappy.  Never wanted to get divorced.  Why did I have to end up in this horrific situation？

hey PFCI, I've been there, my friend.  Never dreamed that I would go through a divorce from my BPDxW, which was the last thing I wanted for my kids.  Yet sometimes change is a good thing and leads to greater happiness for all.  My Ex and I had a high-conflict marriage, which wasn't good for the kids.  I like to think that, by parting ways, it helped reduce stress on them.  Also demonstrated that change is possible.  It's hard, I agree, but sometimes the right thing to do is hard.

LuckyJim

But did you get to see your kids?  Because I definitely wouldn't. 

[formflier]

But did you get to see your kids?  Because I definitely wouldn't. 

Have you had a consultation with a lawyer there in the country (I think Japan... .if I remember correctly) about your chances?

How have you been doing trying to use some tools?

FF