What did you tell your friends and family after the final breakup?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong answer but I'd be very curious to hear how all of you have gone about this with the seeming complete unawareness as to the devastation these breakups can cause - especially long-term r/s - for most laypersons.  I realize I've done more research in the last 3 months then most people ever will and it's helped me process things.  But I'll be damned if I'm going to say "Well, the kids are in college and we grew apart".  We've gained so many mutual acquaintances over the years, especially have once worked for the same employer, that people are bound to ask me what happened.  I guess "She cheated on me multiple times" would be sufficient but somehow that seems "enabling".  My family and close friends know the drill because they know my past and stories.

Thanks for any responses.

bi

[bestintentions]

I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong answer but I'd be very curious to hear how all of you have gone about this with the seeming complete unawareness as to the devastation these breakups can cause - especially long-term r/s - for most laypersons.  I realize I've done more research in the last 3 months then most people ever will and it's helped me process things.  But I'll be damned if I'm going to say "Well, the kids are in college and we grew apart".  We've gained so many mutual acquaintances over the years, especially have once worked for the same employer, that people are bound to ask me what happened.  I guess "She cheated on me multiple times" would be sufficient but somehow that seems "enabling".  My family and close friends know the drill because they know my past and stories.

Thanks for any responses.

bi

[Frustratedbloke]

"I finally had enough," seems to work well. The ones that know, know, the ones that don't probably weren't close enough to really need more explanation.

[SoMadSoSad]

She left me for somebody else.

[Curiously1]

During my first breakup with my exBPDgf I could not help myself from droning on about my ex to close friends and some family members. I felt I needed to talk excessively as a way of self-soothing and processing my thoughts and a way of getting re-assurance from others apart from my T that I was not crazy and just knowing I had their support no matter what. And if I didn't see them or couldn't get them on the phone on a certain day I felt I need to vent, I would read excessively here at the bpdfamily forums and watch YouTube vids or other external online articles and books before bed to gain some more insight and knowledge on others experiences and BPD. I just had to absorb as much information as I could to piece together what happened and yeah anybody willing to listen I would talk in excess to about my story. After about a month or so, and especially after the second time breaking up with the same ex I was more determined to keep zip my mouth and to try focusing on myself than her and all the hurt/damage/drama caused. I would still talk but be conscious not to make it all about my ex and for too long as talking about the bad stuff can get addicting and unhelpful at times with letting go of the past. I think I began to stop too when one best friend of mine told me to stop and that I was too absorbed in something that wasn't worth my mental energy and from a lot of convincing from her I learnt that yes, I was ready to focus on healing in other ways like just focusing on myself and minimising the amount I speak about my ex. After some time I then just stopped or rarely spoke about my ex to the people I know in real life even though I am not complete in my dettachment just yet. Apart from close family members and friends I did not open up about my ex to my peers or dates. In my mind I made sure not to be like my exBPDgf and to talk badly about her to anyone willing to listen because I did not want to be seen as the same as her. In my opinion, I think with much dettachment there shouldn't be much need to talk about the ex or how it affects us that much to outsiders. I just don't want to gossip just because of hurt and feeling wronged etc. I just practise acceptance and that it is over, what is said and done is in the past and yes, that people don't need to know every single detail of my story to understand the reasons behing being under a lot of stress and why whether it is noticeable or not. But yes there is not a right or wrong way... just different preferences in how we share things. I am sure there are good ways to express your story to others in a way that will be respected and doesn't just sound like you are talking badly just for the sake of attention. For me I would say 'Things did not work out because our values changed' or 'I simply wasn't happy and it felt right to decide to part ways' and if they keep asking for more detail I would just say it is a sensitive issue for me.

[JRT]

She disappeared... .because she did. 

[VitaminC]

I said nothing at all, to anybody.

I had said it all so often before that I was sick of hearing myself say it, and my friends were too. But more than that, I felt the difference in myself at the end, and just had no need to articulate it to anyone. Not even the ex. I had said everything at various times. It's all there, in the ether. It was no longer incumbent on me to explain or to draw together the reasons.

I was responsible to and for myself only.

When my husband and I split (this was not by BPDex) after a decade of marriage, I said very little as well. Close friends and family got different degrees of openness. It depended on the relationship. Those mutual and other aquaintances who were insensitive or gormless enough to ask 'what happened' or any version thereof (even with well-meaning concern) were given short answers such as 'things happen' followed by a change of topic. I didn't feel I owed anyone the slightest explanation or insight into my ravaged heart - as it was at the time. Those are private matters, in my opinion.

Do you feel compelled to reply to such questions, bestintentions? Out of politeness? Or why?

[valet]

My very good friends know about the disorder. Some of them don't get it, some are a bit more educated.

Family, I gave a similar story to, but they really just don't get it.

Everyone cares as best as they can, but it really is our job to find our own closure in the end... .

 

[Reforming]

Hi Bestintentions,

It's a worthwhile question.

I discovered that my ex was having an affair a year and a half before our relationship ended. Initially I only confided in a few close friends. At that point I wanted some space to try and resolve our problems and explore whether there was a way forward. I was also conscious of the potential damage disclosure would have on her relationship with my family and friends and I think I also felt ashamed of what had happened.

My family live in another country and when my relationship finally ended I flew over to see my them to tell them what had happened.

Depending on our circumstances, how long you were together and the relationship between your ex and your family and friends this is can be one of the hardest parts of recovery.

I had had some time to process what had happened but I was still hypersensitive and easily triggered by people's reactions and conclusions. It was a big learning experience.

Over time I realised that everyone framed and explained the breakdown of my relationship through the lens of their own experience and understanding. I think this is very natural.

They were generally very sympathetic and supportive but they couldn't grasp the reality of my experience. How could they? Unless you've experienced a disordered relationship first hand it's very hard to believe. And like many others here, my exes disordered behaviour was largely hidden from everyone else but me.

At times this was difficult and painful but I gradually realised that other people's perceptions and understanding of what had happened and why, didn't really matter. I had to find my own truth in the experience.

Finding this site, sharing my story here and reading the experiences of others who had gone through similar experiences was a huge help.

It validated my feelings and gave me support. It helped to guide and educate me and it challenged me when I slipped into destructive and unhealthy thought patterns. It has helped me to grow.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about how I present my experience to others. This has varied over time but I think our narrative of what happened tells people a lot of about how we want them to see us and how we see ourselves.

If I tell people that my ex betrayed and damaged me what reaction I am hoping for? What am I telling myself?

Good luck with your healing.

Reforming

[bestintentions]

Do you feel compelled to reply to such questions, bestintentions? Out of politeness? Or why?

No, I don't feel compelled.  Every personal interaction will dictate how I respond, I guess.  I don't believe my stbx would go on a smear campaign but I'm sure that she's lied about me to her current partners.  (No surprises there to anyone reading)  For the most part, I'm an open book and people know me that way.  I've lived a life faithful to my wife and family and worked hard at my career much like most of us here, so I have few regrets.  Therefore, there's been no reason to sugar coat anything about my own behavior.

However, I realize now that because of my codependent traits, I have felt compelled in the past to make excuses for her not showing up to family gatherings, etc., and other various behavior based on whatever she was upset about.  Just more  to watch for in the future... .