Hi, I'm new here I been reading the broads for almost 3 weeks. What I learn has helped me, but came to late for the r/s I think. Finally ready to tell my story. I had a supposedly diagnosed with bipolar uBPDexgf as of about 3 weeks ago. And sorry may be a little rushed just to much happened I could right a book!
We first meet maybe 8 years ago, we went to the same school district but never really meet to that faithful day at a local bar. We hit it off great and was just friends at first. I been going through trying to get over this girl after an encounter (what I believe today was pwBPD) with this girl that I meet a few months back. She was helping me with this and we talked a lot about me for the most part. Found out that she had dated a good friend of mine before me. Well I got to the point where I wanted to be in a relationship with her. I asked her out, told me she was going to give it one last shot with my good friend. I was fine with it, I just started to move on, thought to myself I just lost a chance with the first down to earth girl that understood me in years. It wasn't even a week later that she said it didn't work out and asked if I was still interested. So we started going out it was great, never felt this way before. Had a few little issue but nothing major. Ended up after a few months we move in to an apartment. That's when things started to get weird. I knew something was off with her I didn't know what it was. Sometimes she didn't fell good, then be depressed because I was at work. I did my best to help her, and told her she needed to go to the doctor. She would tell me they didn't know what was wrong. But it ended up being a issue in the r/s. Ended up moving in and out of the apartment, because I started to get depressed because I didn't know where the girl I knew went. I would try different ways to communicate things will be ok, we can work on this. Eventually we were in a good spot and I asked her to marry me which she said yes. Things would be good for a while and then she would need money again, have major issues in her life but they weren't really that bad, had cheated on me with my good friend (her ex) and I couldn't leave her side when I was done work. She then drop out of tech school after the first semester that we both started going to. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, I felt like I was being use or lied too. One day I got the courage to stand up to her and said things needed to change. She gave me a smile and walked out of the apartment. That was it I called my dad to show up with the truck quick before she came back. I left a lot there I called it even.
I didn't hear from her at first I focused on working and going to school. But after a while she would text me long messages about she wanted me back or call every few months. I would just ignore them and tried to stay nc. She ended up having a child only a few months after we broke up. She came back to the area when things didn't work out with the father. I ended up giving into her when she texted me one day. One night went to the bar she used to work at when we were together, I was drunk I won a adult film in one of the prize machines
. When she got done work she asked me to come back to her place, which I did and after a little bit I started to sober up and realized what was going on. I left and didn't talk to her for sometime. She meet some new guy and had a child with him. You would think I would be in the clear by now, nope. I would still get some messages from her and she would come out of nowhere and be like Hey! One time I hid in my work van at a job site because she new that was my van after finding me working on equipment at a local restaurant. I told myself I did love her but we couldn't have a healthy relationship, and that I needed to stay away.
But I ended up giving into her on a few occasions over the years, went back to her place sat and talked. She was still with the father of the youngest. I made sure I wouldn't stay long because I could tell she wanted more. Then nothing for maybe 6 months, to March this year came had a argument with my friend (which now I think was pwBPD) that I dated a few times. I thought to myself I had no one to talk with about this that really would listen. I looked through my phone and there she was texted her saying it was me and that I needed someone to talk to. She said she had a feeling I would get ahold of her. She had saw a post I put up on facebook and that I was at our spot. Ended up meeting up with her and the kids for walks talking about stuff helping me. She would make me feel so great that I started to leave my guard down to she asked me what I thought about us. She broke up with her bf a week before she asked about us.
We started going out it was like old times just now there are kids. I started to fall for her and the kids. She would tell me all the bad stuff she has been through without me all these years and hoping I would come back one day to save her. And that the father of the youngest was a npd and had issues( which I believe he wanted to start a fight with me at a gas station and pushed me and the oldest in a wall at her apartment came right in the unlocked door looking for me!). I wasn't working for about a month because I quit my job at around the same time. She gave me the support to open up my own business, I might have not done this with out her support. But the good times only lasted for so long. The her exbf with unpd would cause problems for her or it would be something else and I would try and fix things for her. But she started to say it's not the same has the past and start blaming it all on me why it's not working out. Then the recycling started with me and the her ex. I would be around for a month then get told one day it's over and there was nothing to talk about(gave me some lame excuse to why it would be over), the ex would be back for a day to a week max to he got told to leave. She would come up with a new excuse every time with a new break up. I would be lost trying to figure out where I went wrong, then it would be either me or her asking to come back. We started therapy in the summer wanted us to figure the problems out that we had. She agreed in the beginning, cried at therapy the first time saying she was hoping I would come back some day to save her and have a life with her. Then she would come then not come, it was my fault at therapy all of the time. I would start feeling like things were not adding up and I catch her in a lie. But she would come up with this story (that I would believe) then work back on getting me on her good side. We would have a great honeymoon period then the same. This went on for about a 2 month ago when we really had it out, she has been in a program for prescription drugs abuse and they have been giving her this stuff to tapper her off from the addiction. This was going on for a few months before I showed up.
So I did some research thinking this stuff might be causing issues with the r/s. Brought it up one day on the phone, she got mad said I didn't need to worry about her she can take care of her own problems. I started getting mad because I could never get through to her. She said well it's probably my bipolar and hung up on me. So this was a shock to me so I started to do some research it seemed like I might finally have a answer to what has been going on the last few years. We got back together I was study up on bipolar and trying to get her to get some help. She was all for it at first said she set up and appointment and that she had to wait to they had a opening. Things were good back in the honeymoon stage then things started not added up. She started to withdraw from me then the same old thing about she has some crisis she needs help with or she needed money. I ended up getting myself ready for it this time after she brought up at therapy something that happened at a event we went to with my dad. Started saying I shouldn't talk to your dad that way and stuff. I got upset the therapist was in shock and told her she needs to work on a few things. You could tell she was like why do I have to work on anything. Well next day we meet at the park she wouldn't really listen to me has we walked she was playing that pokemon app (I wish I never told her about it, that's been her thing since it came out to avoid talking to me) well eventually she said she gets these feelings she wants to do something evil to me. Well I was in shock it kind of scared me after knowing some of the things her mom has done( been in trouble with the law, drugs, and beating up on her bfs) She has issues to that's a hold other story. Fast forward to the day I caught her. It was Sunday my parents were coming home from camping (I stayed away from the apartment mostly the last few days plus I was busy with my business) I called her in the morning like I always did no answer, I waited to later and call she said I was just going to call that she just got up not to long ago( which I didn't believe, the kids get up at about 7 they be driving her crazy by 10 when I called back) she asked what I'm doing today( which I learned is that she wants to know where I'm going to be) told her going to do some stuff around my parents. She said ok then I asked, if she want to go for a walk with the kids go out for the day. She said no and that she was good, (I knew something was up) I said I will talk to you later. I did some stuff, then got this gut feeling I should go over. Went over found the exbf car down the street, she was just coming out of the apartment into her car. I drove up and said what are you doing? she said going to the grocery store to get some stuff that she found some food stamps( which she said two weeks ago to me she needed money for the grocery store because she was out of food stamps). I said why is the exbf car here, she said it wasn't I said no it is right out front. She like well maybe he is visiting his friend down the block( which is crap because when I with her, his car was never there just when they are together he parks down the street) I go to park she drives off I'm like getting angry but keeping my com( it takes a lot to get to be angry) called her said I was meeting her at the store. I get there she already went inside, I go looking I find her just shopping like nothing is wrong. I said hey, I keep my com, she said that she needs to focus on shopping and can't talk. I could tell I had her trapped and didn't know how she was getting out of this( I noticed over time it needed to be my fault or someone else for something so she can't feel guilt maybe?, this time I messed up the plan) I tried to help at check out bagging (which I don't know why I was) she told me I didn't need to help. So she was having trouble at check out. so I went out for a smoke to relax I turn around she is coming out with half the stuff she was getting. You could tell she was in a rush, went to talk ask her what was going on and why was he there. she said he wasn't and I don't listen to her and don't understand her that we are two different people(which is news to me because it was fine a week ago) then she started to blame it on the bipolar, I said that's not an excuse she said I was right. Then quite, So I said let's go back to the apartment to get my stuff so I can leave because there is nothing more to talk about right now. She said we can't, I said why not. He's there, well I asked why to see his son, she said yes and I just kept looking at her to she said to see me too( it was very hard for her to say this). Okay we are going back to the apartment I will wait outside to you get me my stuff.
So I followed her back help take some stuff up on the porch. Then she came out to me with the stuff saying the same thing at the store, I said there is nothing more to talk about right now, I still want to be friends and I'm going to go(I gave her a hug goodbye I said I'm not going to be the bad guy here and left). That was almost 3 weeks ago, I been struggling with what I did wrong what I could have done better. Then I realize I looked over something when I was looking up bipolar then started to read about BPD. it all made sense the gaslighting, fog, the honeymoon stage, the recycling, the black and white, the always my fault. I ended up getting up the next day she still had are stuff up on facebook but that she was single. I couldn't take it I blocked her, then few days later set her and email saying I'm working on my communication skills, and I wanted her to know that I still care about her and I was hoping everything is going ok for her. Didn't hear back from her, then a week later unblocked her on facebook then tried to friend her she blocked me. Well ended up talking with her step mom and her dad(I am still doing work for them) they asked me how things were going with her. I told them what happen, and that I was working on the skills I need to communicate with her and would like to get her some help (but I know if they don't want it there is nothing you can do).
The father really liked me and then he got upset and hopes that things will work out. But told me I should move on that I'm a good person and should find a good wife. That he hopes she doesn't stock me threw life. I had my 30th birthday last week I hoped she would of called or texted(I was very upset that she didn't get ahold of me first) I couldn't take it I called her left a message then she texted saying she knew it was my birthday and didn't want to make it awkward for me. I ask if she could call me, she did talked for 5 mins could tell I'm painted black told her I still loved her and that I will give her sometime to think about everything. She didn't say anything negative to that. Well I then made a mistake I told her about a youtube channel with this lady that's similar issue to her and that there is this therapy she should look into dbt. She didn't say anything negative, then we talked about her son and that was it end of are conversation we said bye and that was it. I was stupid and sent a text with the channel and dbt, She didn't text me back which I figure she wouldn't. Well I ended talking more with the therapist about the hole thing she agrees that she has BPD and that she will be back from what I told her and what she seen in therapy(I don't think she will after hinting at BPD). I talked to her best friend from when they were kids, she told me that I have always been her knight in shinning armor that she been waiting for me to come back. And that years ago after I left she been worst then she ever been. Her and her best friend don't talk much anymore they been having a falling out over the years some of it because the friend can't understand why she does this to me when she has the chance to be with me. And because she just keeps hurting the people close to her(she doesn't really have friends now I think just the family)
I realize that I been on a merry go around with the them now the last few months I got off and out of the game with her npdbf and her. And that she is the puppeteer, I been coming out of the fog realizing that I was to focus on her and the kids. I do believe in my heart she does love me (when she in that place) but I start to get to close and she finds going back to him easier. A few days ago I realized I had her pants in my backpack(which I think she put in there because she was in the process to move me out of the r/s and may need a reason to get back in touch with me). Her birthday is coming up this month and she is turning the same age has me and her daughter is right after that. So I got them both birthday cards and took the pants over one morning left them on the porch and texted her saying I left the stuff on the porch. Never here back from her, but I got a call from the house I knew who it was it was the bf saying how nice the cards are and that he is throwing them in the trash. He hung up before I could say anything. I called her it rang once went to voice mail I didn't leave a voice mail. He started texted me saying I should come over now
. I said I just wanted to drop the stuff off, and that you didn't have to throw away the child's birthday card she got nothing to do with us. He told me I better not come around when he is there( his is normal for me with him, I have him blocked on my phone but I go to my blocked page to see what he sends me. sometimes he is crying to me or that she is better off with me) So I told him don't worry I moved on that you won't see me anymore.
Well I haven't heard from her since my birthday and I haven't tried to make any contact with her other then the times I did. I started moving on but my heart still wants to be with her and the kids. I know it sounds crazy but if it wasn't for her the good and the bad I actually wouldn't be where I am today. The kids love me and the oldest has told me multiple times when I haven't seen her in a while that she wants to come live with me and that her moms bf is a bad man. Which has gotten me to the point of crying just thinking about it, because I can't do much of anything. So that's basically the short story of it all(which when reading back, it not even a chapter of what has really happened over the 8 years and sounds to quick of a story) I really don't know what is going to happen this time. I might me painted black for good? Or when the point which she maybe starts to shift the bf black? I definitely can't get back into the r/s with her without some help. And I realized from all this I'm the Codependent and now working on that. Thanks for listen, I just don't know what will happen.
