Toughest moment of my life

[vince_ten_ninety]

Hey everybody.
I've already post my story, you can find it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299738.0
But basically I really need to vent some stress out, hoping to find some comfortable words from someone more experienced than me.

So if you are not brave or patient enough to read through my giant post, the general picture is me, having had a sort of relationship lasted three months with a person showing several traits of BPD. I am forced to live with this person and see her every day because we live in the same dormitory, and we will till July 2017.

By reading your posts it really shocks me how many common points I can find... .

The honeymoon phase, in which she told me tens of personal facts and we spoke for hours and hours every day, almost every moment, joking, cooking together, laughing almost all the time...
I was more friend than her best friends living there. THE best person. She told me things her previous boyfriend totally ignored of her.

The push/pull phase, in which she told me how much anger I was creating in her (?) just by the sheer fact I existed apparently... ("Nobody makes me feel so angry as you do, it's unvelievable", yet keeping hanging out with me in spite of this.

The fear, unreasoned fear at my regards... .I scared the sh*t out of her, she was afraid of a revenge from me, unmotivated, what should I avenge for?
I coulnd't even say some words, or use a certain tone of voice, without triggering fear and seeing her bursting into tears profusely.  She made me promise ten times to never hurt her physically anyhow (I've never hurt anyone, even when it was have been the case, for self-defense)

The clingy phase. One second willing to stay the whole day with me, the second after praying for some space.
And when I finally take my space, I hear her knocking at my door with a huge smile and a proposal for how to spend the evening/afternoon/meal time together.
There has been a moment in which I was really clingy, true, but I could never figure out when she appreciated it, or accepted it just for the sake of keeping me close.

The detachment phase... .Horrible days in which she yelled at me the worst possible things... kissing hugging, and cuddling me when her rage outbursts ended, asking for apologies and telling something like "I know how you feel, please forgive me... ."

One second she doesn't want me close. The next one she craves my presence and propose something to do. She blocks me on any possible social media. Calling me a stalker. She asks for the help of others to keep me distant from her. Fear. Unseasoned fear. Asking me to sleep with her at nights, because she'd have  felt so lonely otherwise... .
It has driven me almost insane in June.

Lies. Lies lies and again lies... She kisses me, telling her best friend it is just a way to keep me close, to have someone that cooks for her, that doesn't leave her alone when necessary or when she's bored, to feel nothing deep for me.
She set up lies, and I get aware of it through some friends of her, that reach out to me for my sake.
I ignore them, naively.
How could have it been? she is so lovable when we're together. She's like a sad, wet puppy, requiring so much love and attention, so graceful of my care... .

She told she was in love with me. Deep love. Yet she denied it to her friends, saying I was just obsessed, and she wished she never met me in her life. I really can't get this thing. She seemed so pure and sincere in those romantic moments... .

The sleeping around phase. We have a huge quarrel. I can't stand her behavior. It's too much. Unbearable I apologize afterwards... .I didn't mean to be so angry, I'm sorry.
She takes advantage of it saying I'm like a tumor for her existence (I have to underline my mother was diagnosed with final stage brain cancer, and she was well aware of it), and she even thought about suicide because of me.
She met a new person one week after it. They kiss, they have romantic dates, probably sleeping together too. They go out once every two days. She still wants me close. As a friend... .
She does not behave as friend though. Jealous of me, hugging me all the time, searching for cuddles, in spite no trace of kisses or anything more. I want to leave, she says it's selfish, and that I need her for my sake.

The abandonment phase. She's extremely stressed. I point out something true of her past. She screams and yells me I'm crazy, then saying me goodbye... .going NC for three months.

Yesterday night I saw her knocking to the guy living in the room in front of mine... .lights off. She's well dressed. Door locked a second after she came in.
They never go out for the entire night.

She is repeating exactly what happened with me with another guy. This guy insulted her the past year. Apparently he had an interest on her too, but she chose me. She never ignored him totally. She called him ridiculous, she told me she wasn't attracted at all (he isn't attractive at all, actually), laughing with me about how much naive he was to still hope for something to happen between them, whilst dating with me.
Now they look like husband and wife... .

It's hard. It's extremely hard.
I must stay live for months. I can't move out (I have a scholarship and I can't affort to move to an apartment, nor they allow me to switch dorm or room).

I'm facing the death of my mother, affected by brain tumor, which is by far worse of course, which she promised months ago to never let me go through it alone.
But she left anyway. In the worst possible way... .

And now I must bear this too.
I know. I shouldn't care. But it's tough. The person I thought I knew is totally gone. Her actions are repeating again in the same fashion with someone that doesn't care 1/100th of what I did.

I tried to put my problems aside to be her assistant, listener, friend, lover, being up every time she asked me for help.

Yet... .she's scared of me. She refuses any attempt to communicate. I must face this all alone. Far from home. With tons of unrelated problems, along with studies, which aren't easy for sure (TLC engineer writing my master thesis).

I really feel so lonely. So shattered and defeated. And I wonder how I could have been attracted by someone that revealed such a nature.

Sorry for the long post... .hope someone will take its time to read and say something useful.

Vince

[amunt]

Maybe we had the same ex, its 100% what happened with me too.

Stay strong, nc with her and will get better. She will broke up with the new guy too,
you cant fix her and its better for you to stay away.

Work in your detachment and start dating other healthy womens,
maybe its sound ridiculous but to broke up with a borderline its a gift from the God.

[heartandwhole]

Hi vince_ten_ninety,



I'm so sorry that happened to you, that is very painful. I can understand how difficult this is, especially when you have a lot of other stressors to deal with at the same time.  I'm very sorry that your mother is gravely ill. I lost my father just about a month before my breakup with pwBPD, and it all hurt so much. 

BPD behavior can be very confusing, because a pwBPD's feelings can change so quickly and frequently. That is what happened in my relationship as well, and I found it very painful to deal with... .until I just couldn't continue anymore. Today, my life has changed for the better, and I feel really good. There is hope, vince1090. Things can get better for you, too.

It sounds like you don't have much of a support system right now. Is that right? Do you have any close friends or family who you can talk to? What about counseling—are there student psychological services at your university? Therapy really helped me understand my feelings after the breakup. Getting support is so important.

How are you taking care of yourself right now? Getting enough sleep and eating well? With all the stress you have at school, it's important to take extra good care of yourself. It will help you get through this.

Having to see your ex every day is a big challenge. It will require boundaries and discipline from you. Thankfully, this site has tons of resources and tools to help. I know it probably doesn't feel like it at times, but you are not alone—so many of our members have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through.

Have you seen this article? It has some hard truths in it, but it really helped me understand what I was dealing with after my breakup:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[vince_ten_ninety]

Hello heartandwhole 

Thanks for the very kind and supportive message. I am happy I have finally found this community, and frankly I wish I could have searched it much before.

Unfortunately the majority of the problems I had, derived from the fact I wasn't aware of the existence of such disorder at all. For weeks and months I thought she was just odd and bizarre. It has been when I've searched for "Bipolar Personal Disorder" that didn't match so much her behavior, that I came across the word "BPD", and everything made more sense, but it was already too late, since we were already breaking up.
Plus, being a student, and not of anything related to psychology, I couldn't and I'm not yet sure she has BPD.

I think that for me the most difficult things to accept is that I have been unable to listen, understand, and provide a valid communication line with my now former partner.

Yes, it's true, pwBPDs are extremely complicated to handle, and despite I'm absolutely guilt of several mistakes, her faults far exceed mine. She is however the person I could relate to the most in my entire life, sentimentally, so it still burns me inside.
In addition, I have to admit that I showed several symptoms of codependency, which further contributed to spoil everything. I am facing this problem separately, hoping to solve it in the future with time and good work.

The second most difficult thing to accept is how someone can be so stubborn to reject any sort of communication. There is absolutely no way to deal with this person in a calm and diplomatic way.
Every single time I have tried to just talk, even about shallow topics, I had to expect some acid comment or answer, or some rage outburst at my regards.
I can't count all the times I would have just knocked at her door for a five min conversation, to vent my stress, or to just listen to her vent hers. But it's not possible. Total rejection. She's well aware of my personal problems and stressors, but none a question about how I feel came from her.
According to our last conversation (July), I am absolutely unable of listening to her without twisting the reality of things with my words (I referred to a period of time in which she had eaten very low amounts of food as "anorexic", and she got mad), and therefore she has nothing to say to me at all.

I do attend a counseling service here at the dorm. It helps me remaining attached to the reality of facts (countless time I thought it was totally my fault for everything that has happened).
I have a friend of mine that very often listen to me and it is extremely precious and useful.

The other friends at the dorm still think I am right about what happened and do not justify or admit her behavior of the past year. In spite so, since such behavior never arise with them, they're getting along (which isn't a bad thing, their relations with her don't have anything to do with mine), so I always have her around while hanging out with them.

I'm trying to take care of myself. Studies keep me busy, I will attend gym from January on, and I try to eat and sleep regularly as much as I can. Given the fact I'll face the loss of my mother soon, I'm not sure how I will feel in the future, but for now I'm recovering.

Seeing her is not a challenge. Seeing her with someone else in the best of her mood, well dressed, smiling and happy with someone else hand by hand, that's the challenge. My heart cries every time.

I will hold on. It's tough though. Thanks for the support  

[vince_ten_ninety]

Update:

After some time going totally NC, I've given up a little bit on the social pressure that this involves (not speaking to someone being in a group leads to complicate ways to not appear odd or unpleasant in general), so I decided to slightly start to give her attention again. I've taken this decision after seeing that her mood got quite calm, laughing at my jokes, respecting the boundaries and showing good manners.

Plus, I noticed that her involvement with the new guy increases every day, so I thought that she may have really moved on from her old self. I've also kept in mind the usual recommendations: Only general topics, brief, conversations aimed at just specific topics with no personal involvement at all.

Long story short, It hasn't worked out. After three days I started receiving again acid, icy cold answers again, sometimes followed by bitter sarcasm that she wouldn't use all with anyone else at all.
I must admit that this time her reaction has been less intense than in the past. Nevertheless, I could see some contempt in her facial expression and tone, when speaking with me.

My reaction?

I reached to have a minute solo with her, and I told her strictly (and also angry, too) that I've grown tired of such behavior, and to leave me alone.

Her reaction?

A totally detached, sarcastic grin, in which she just said to not care about this at all, followed by her recommendation to not threat her anymore (It goes without saying that I haven't threatened her at all, I've just stated I'm tired of her way of behaving with me), and then she left.

I'm not going to see this person for the next six days.

After them, I plan to go again NC, with just no attention on any possible bitter reaction or comment from her, or just ignore them all.

I have already lost any hope and expectation on this person, and I notice every day more that the new prey follows the exact same path I did. I really don't know whether to smile or to be sad for him.

It's still painful to deal with this. I still feel (even if remotely less than before) emotionally attached, and maybe this is the reason of so much anger that I have.

Any advice or comment?

[heartandwhole]

It's still painful to deal with this. I still feel (even if remotely less than before) emotionally attached, and maybe this is the reason of so much anger that I have.

Hi vince_ten_ninety,

Yes, it's very normal that you still feel emotionally attached, and that can make it difficult to deal with her in social situations. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how frustrating it is to get the friendly, then cold, then friendly, then cold, etc.  reactions.

Feeling anger is a healthy stage of the letting go process. If you can, use it to propel your focus exclusively onto yourself: what you want, need, and how you are feeling. There is gold to be mined from this experience, and by putting that focus on you, you'll get to freedom (detachment) faster. No matter what kinds of feelings come up, let them be okay and let them move through you. You don't have to act on any of them; just feel and acknowledge them. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do, but it's so worth the effort.

I think your plan of not engaging with her for a while is a good one. It gives you space to grieve and focus on you. It's hard when you have to see her in your social circle. Right now you need some solid friends and family around you, especially since your mom is ill. I'm glad you are in counseling. Gather your troops—people who care about you and have your back. It's really important. We'll be your virtual posse.  

How do you plan to handle seeing her in your social circle next time?

heartandwhole

[vince_ten_ninety]

Thanks Hearthandwhole   very supportive!

I sincerely don't know how to handle the situation at the dorm.
When I have time I think a lot on what could be the causes of all of these reactions from her.

I however notice that even though this harsh behavior surely depends on what I say from time to time, as underneath there are a different beliefs in general, this is surely amplified by some anger and repressed stress she feels at my regards.

I guess she had strong expectations on me, she elected me as the bearer of her happiness, and this thing made her angrier and angrier as it turned out I'm not the savior that she depicted in her mind. Even though I made all the possible efforts I could, when she started her fluctuating behavior my mother just got ill, and things got rapidly unmanageable for me.  Too much stress.

Too much gas lighting, in which I appeared the abusive monster I wasn't at all. I got needy, I asked for her support, but she was too busy dating someone else, and I grow resentment, which eventually brought to several quarrels. This is the point where her b___y behavior started becoming very frequent, months ago.


As a consequence, there is probably no way to hold a long, decent conversation with this person, and I guess this will be true for all the time we'll live in the same place.

Plus, these her reactions are triggered massively from my speech, whereas she is tolerant, or even ironic and open minded, if someone else says the same things I do.

All of this to say that, well, it's a mess. I just will try to not care about it and her in general, and live this thing day by day.

I just hope I'll stop to miss her so much, which is the most complicated part of the story.

I recognize a similar dynamic at home, where my sister constantly fights with my father, even just for the least of the nuisances. It is true he can be very annoying, but most of the reactions of my sister are exaggerated, and clearly led by stress.

I'm sure I'll learn a lot from all of this. I would just like to not feel so stressed every single time we're in the same room, or to not think about her so much during the day.

Thanks again for the support! And let me know what you think  

[heartandwhole]

Plus, these her reactions are triggered massively from my speech, whereas she is tolerant, or even ironic and open minded, if someone else says the same things I do.

I can relate to what you are saying here, vince_ten_ninety. In my experience with pwBPD, I eventually became the trigger for his very difficult feelings. The closer we got, the worse he was triggered by me, my actions, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. It's a sad and frustrating feature of this disorder at times—for both parties.

All of this to say that, well, it's a mess. I just will try to not care about it and her in general, and live this thing day by day.

I think taking it one day at a time is a good idea. It takes practice to change habits of thought and behavior, so every day is an opportunity to shift your focus away from her and onto you. It won't be easy at first, but keep trying and it really will get better with time. 

I just hope I'll stop to miss her so much, which is the most complicated part of the story.

We've all been there. You are definitely not alone in your wish. It will happen, but it won't be overnight. Detachment from someone you love, let alone someone with BPD can be a rough road, but with effort and support, you can come out of this and thrive again. Have you had a look at the lessons on the right sidebar----------> They are the steps to freedom.

I recognize a similar dynamic at home, where my sister constantly fights with my father, even just for the least of the nuisances. It is true he can be very annoying, but most of the reactions of my sister are exaggerated, and clearly led by stress.

This is a great insight, and will help you understand your role in the dynamic with your girlfriend. I also noticed that behavior by pwBPD reminded me of some family members and it really helped me. There is a reason we are drawn to, and stay in, relationships like these. Knowing our own patterns allows us to change, grow, and set ourselves free from limiting and painful dynamics.

I'm sure I'll learn a lot from all of this. I would just like to not feel so stressed every single time we're in the same room, or to not think about her so much during the day.

You will learn a lot. And the stress will lessen as you grieve the loss and investigate your patterns with compassion.

heartandwhole