DTM1025
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: October 15, 2016, 09:21:08 AM » |
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Hello,
At the suggestion of my therapist I have been reading the posts on here for about a month and I have now decided to share my story and reach out for help and support.
Here goes...
I was with my exBPDBF for 5 years. The relationship ended almost 5 months ago. He literally walked away and abandoned me in the blink of en eye. I will summarize the relationship and the course of events leading up to the horrific discard as clear and concise as I can.
When we met 5 years ago he had just recently ended a relationship with a woman he was with for 3 years. He cheated on wife of 17 years with this woman, and left his wife for her. To make matters worse she was the mother of one of his daughters friends (he has 2 daughters that are now 19 &22)
He left the marriage because according to him "his wife was affectionate, emotional enough for him, and he wasn't getting what he needed from her". The other woman paid him some attention, and he was instantly attracted to her. And he began a full fledged affair that eventually was brought to light, basically discovered by his daughter who was about 11 at the time. Once it all came out he left his wife for this woman. She had an infant and an 11 year old (his daughters friend) from 2 different fathers. She left the father of the baby for my ex. From what he explained the relationship was somewhat tumultuous and he never trusted her. Ironic. They were together for 3 years the he ended it with her because he felt he she was cheating on him, and he was also disgusted with himself over what he did to his family.
Lucky me meets him about 3 months after. For me it was love or attraction at first sight. I had been married to a very verbally abusive man, and he was the complete opposite, soft spoken, gentle, mild mannered, and someone I could be 100% myself with. I wasnt used to that so it was a perfect storm.
On our first date he divulged with honesty about his affair because he wanted put it out there in the beginning and be completely "honest". When he told me I appreciated his honesty and didnt judge, because, while I dont condone cheating, no one lives in someones marriage, and things happen. He painted his wife to be a terrible wife emotionally, and claimed for years he told her what he needed and that she didn't work on things. After meeting her and having nice relationship with her while we together I really dont believe his claims to be true, although I suppose they felt true to him at the time. When he told me about the affair he was adamant that he would never do that again to anyone ever. His reason was more so because of what it did to him emotionally way more than what it did to his wife. BIG RED FLAG. As our relationship progressed I never fixated on his affair, as he seemed to be so loyal and constantly stood by his word that he would never do it again, and definitely never to me, as we are very similar emotionally and he could never hurt me like that. We had one golden rule that cheating was a deal breaker and that know matter what there is no cheating and that if the relationship is not working out on either side we walk away.
Our relationship took off very quickly, not in a super unhealthy way, but we became close and trusting very fast.
He has always suffered with major and depression, starting when he was a small child (he is now 52). Once we were together about a month he became riddled with anxiety almost to the point of a nervous breakdown. This was a result of the break up with the girlfriend and his affair and what he did to his daughters. Me being co-dependent and him being in need of me to help him through this we became a perfect storm. For about 6-8 months the focus of our relationship was on him and his mental health and me helping him to get past this horrible place. I did it like it was my job. At some point during that time one of his many therapists suggested he may be BPD, he didnt focus too much on that, as all he wanted was to get past the crippling anxiety, and he did.
We had a really good relationship, or at least I thought we did, and didnt realize the BPD/co-dependent factors. We spent alot of time together and it was wonderful. He felt good and I felt great being with someone who I felt a deep friendship with and could be myself with,and was incredibly attracted to. We both loved and valued the time together. We had the same custody schedule so we had alot of time alone which allowed us time to really foster a close and loving relationship. As time went on I started to see how truly selfish he was,and in the back of my mind didnt really believe how he described his ex-wife to be true. We were close enough where I was able to express my feelings about his selfishness, and it became a major theme in the relationship. He would always agree and acknowledge but never worked on it. I, on the other hand, was completely selfless in the relationship. After years of that it does take a toll. But he was so needy and I apparently very CD and loving him very much and him loving me the same, I for the most part accepted it as part of the relationship but not a deal breaker, because I felt that I was getting what I needed. While his anxiety and depression was somewhat under control, it was always an underlying theme, and much of the focus of our relationship. Again, I didnt realize how unhealthy it truly was because I felt whole and secure with him. And even knowing his past I had an unwavering trust in him. He knew just how to make me feel that way. I do believe it was genuine until he felt that he wasnt getting what he needed from me, much the same as his ex-wife. As an aside, she and I are very much alike. His daughters,who I was very close with, had said that from day 1.
Fast forward to January things started to get a bit stressful. I have 2 daughters (now 14&16)that he wasnt particularly close with. He was nice enough to them but didnt make much of an effort and they felt that and in turn were very standoffish towards him. It became an ongoing issue, as if they were all 3 children, vying for my attention. Very stressful. In addition at that time my office moved about an hour away making my day much longer and more stressful. He did nothing to help make things easier for me. He was at my house about 80% of the time, and for the most part I cooked him 3 meals a day, did everything for him, while he laid on my sofa on his phone and complaining about his depression. The sensitivity I once had towards it for years had began to diminish. I have a demanding job, 2 teenage daughters, and boyfriend who was very high maintenance. He started to pick up on my vibe, however it never felt to me that the relationship would have started to come to an end. He would blame his lack of support on his "depression" Come april things had gotten very tense with us, as I was at a breaking point of stress of taking care of him, my kids, my job, etc. I finally told him that his anxiety and depression cant continue to be more important than the simple things i need from him. That discussion literally flipped a switch in his brain. Me being very busy with life and trusting him unconditionally made it difficult for me to see at first. Once I did, I could tell something was very wrong. We had several conversations, and he kept coming back to how hurt he was from me telling him what I did. I had a very bad vibe that I couldn't shake. I asked him several times if he no longer wanted to be in relationship and he was adamant that of course he did and never wanted to be without me nor could he ever see us not being together. I kept telling him the vibe I was getting and he said he was trying his best and wanted us to work on the relationship. Come mid April my younger daughter came to live w me full time, as a result of her having a terrible relationship with her father. This threw him for a major loop, as she was going become a large factor in our relationship He completely inflated, in his mind, that her being here all the time would make our time together non-existent. The tension got worse and I was definitely seeing things unravel before my eyes. I kept asking him if he wanted out of the relationship or if he was involved with someone else. He swore adamantly about both. He would never cheat on me and he didnt want to not be together. Mid May things were getting worse, not better. He started telling me he was unsure what he wanted and that his head was a mess, anxious, depressed, etc. I told him if he didnt know what he wanted in regards to our relationship than he does know, and that we should end it. Again, adamant that while he was unsure, he didnt want to break up. He suggested we take a break for a week so he can clear his head. My initial reaction was at 45 and 52, and being together 5 years, there is no "break" needed, if its not working you break up for good. For the sake of really wanting us to be able to work things out I reluctantly agreed to the break- for one week. I was devastated as I knew what was coming. During the break he texted me daily to see if I was ok. Beyond that there was no dialogue during the week "break". He came over on the following Sunday. I was nervous to see him, but it was okay, but no denying the giant pink elephant in the room. At that point I told him we needed to address the issues, agree to work them out, or move on. He spent the better part of 3 hrs still saying he had no clarity, but didnt want to not be together. He addressed how he was feeling hurt by lack of sensitivity towards his anxiety and i expressed my frustration of his selfishness. It literally went around and around for 3 hrs. I told him, no holds barred, if even a part of him was unsure of what he wanted then he needed to leave and we needed to move on. Again, while was unsure of what he wanted he didnt want that. I asked him several times if he was cheating on me or met someone, again an adamant "no". I felt inside all that i needed to, but agreed to one last effort to save the relationship. In true BPD fashion he told me he was hurt that I wasnt more responsive to him during the week break. I explained that I was really struggling and was giving him the time he felt he needed. I suggested at that point that we take the following week slow and not see each other as much as we usually did to see if some space can resolve the tension. He agreed. We spent the night together and were intimate, and in the morning things seemed to be okay. He said he felt so much better that were together and that he really wanted us to be ok. I was not convinced, as every vibe in my body was going haywire, but there was a giant part of me that wanted to trust him, and not end the relationship. When we left for work that morning we agreed to have dinner the next night, he usually would have stayed over on that night, it was a tuesday and he always stayed here on Tuesdays. But to take things slow we had agreed on just dinner, and we would see how things felt. Between Monday morning when he left my house and tuesday night prior to us going to dinner (which never happened) he was texting telling me he is sorry and not trying to torture me, but his his head is so unclear, he has no clarity, etc. I had decided at that point if he still felt that way after the break and us spending the night together that the relationship was over and that he was "checked out".
Come tuesday before I was leaving to meet him for dinner I called him to see where his head was? If he still felt the same way I felt there was no reason for us to go on at that point. He responded that he felt no different. I told him if that was the case that there was no reason for us to see each other that night. Of course in his true fashion he couldnt understand my reluctance. I explained to him how awful the past few weeks had been for me because of how he was acting towards me and that I can feel the end brewing like a storm. I posed the question him "if i was telling you the same things you are telling me, and I was unsure of what I wanted, would you want to have dinner with me? He responded with "I guess not". So I said then that is the answer. I said at this time with you not knowing what you want, my devastation from, and the tension between us that dinner is off. He was somewhat pouty about it but understood. As we were ending the call I said to him at this point we are the end and we are broken up. He responded by saying "we are not broken up and are not breaking up. I will call you tonight". The long and short of that is that he had a new gf by the next day, and i found out this started as things w/us started to turn in April. She is someone he knows from the gym. I didnt call him that night or at all because I sensed all I needed to know. I never heard a word from him until 7 weeks later. He texted me to see if I was ok. I was not okay! I was in a fog of sheer shock and devastation. He literally turned on a dime. We talked 24/7 and were together all of the time, and boom he discarded me like trash. I have never felt so much pain ever. Since the first contact in July when he texted me to see if I was okay- he has continued to reach out to me every few weeks, to see if i'm okay or whatever excuse he can come up with. Other than a few anger filled text responses I was not emotionally able to talk to him until Sept 1. That came on the heels of me telling him, via text, 2 weeks before that I needed him to let me heal, and that I never want to hear from him again. He was unable to give me that respect and space. So, he sent me an email, which was an article on regret and mistakes from hurting people we love, but he posed as it being sent by mistake,that he was trying to delete it,but it was sent by accident. That led to our first phone call. He immediately admitted that he of course sent the email on purpose, so he can pretend it was an accident. That first call was 4 hours long, the first 2 I unleashed all of my hurt and anger, and the rest was him saying how he hates himself for what he did, denying that he cheated, that he was never physical with her, etc. I said any he looks at it he cheated the minute he became emotionally involved, etc. I asked him how he was able to walk away so easily, after 5 years, and his answer shot thru me like a bullet, he said "i had time to prepare". So he fully acknowledged that he was making sure he had the replacement set up before he disappeared. I had several conversations with him since and had the chance to get a lot of the anger out. All of the texts and conversations have been filled with his self loathing hatred at what he did, and mine are expressing the hurt and hate I feel towards him. I have told him several times that I cant and don't want to hear from him and that i need to heal. Each time he will agree and acknowledge the harm it does to me emotionally, but 5 months later its still going on. I blame myself for not drawing a strict NC boundary. The last few conversations we had we both acknowledged that we are both having a hard time letting go. His inability to let go is greater than mine in many ways, since he is the one who cannot resist his desire to reach out to me. I am struggling to let go because the discard never allowed me to fall out of love with him. I still love him and miss him, yet there is zero chance for reconciliation ever. I know the only road for me to heal fully is to go 1000000000% NC. And, to be honest the thought of it scares me. I guess the fear comes from the true finality and death of what was. He told me who he was from day one and I chose to ignore it. He showed me again, firsthand, who he is when he did what he did to me. I really need some guidance and support on healing from this. The last time we spoke was monday, and I asked him again to please give me my space. I told him if he cant deal with the thought of forever, to at least not contact me for a month so I can put some space between us. Talking to him is toxic for me. While he has accepted ownership for what he did, all conversations come back to how this is making him feel, even my grief and sadness. He tells me he is "haunted" from thinking about how I feel, and my hurt. I know this is very long and hopefully somewhat clear. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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