New text, confused, can you help me understand please?

[Larmoyant]

Can someone please help me to decipher what this text means? I've just received this from my ex, no salutation, no explanation. I have a feeling it's not very nice, but I'm lost.

I've been worrying about whether or not to send him birthday greetings, worried that he'd feel uncared for on his birthday, but maybe my concern is displaced. Maybe I should be more concerned for my own well being.

This text doesn't sound good at all, but I don't understand what he's trying to say? I think he's saying that he almost made a mistake by marrying me. He'd asked me a few weeks prior to me breaking up with him. I just feel incredibly sad and confused.

This is what he wrote:

":)o you miss him?", "Not really, when I was waiting for the man to do the laundry, I did, because he'd have done that". Lol. I nearly made a massive mistake."

I think he may have substituted 'he' for 'she' as it doesn't sound typically anything a woman might say, but I'm lost.

I don't think it's nice whatever he means, but that's because I'm used to him saying cruel things. I'm also not going to respond. Not going to ask him what he means.

It's a huge ask I know, but can anyone help me?

[C.Stein]

L,

There is nothing to understand in that text, it is non-sensible drivel.  He isn't saying anything here and I see nothing between the lines either.  Why do you feel compelled to read meaning into this text?

[patientandclear]

As I noted on your other thread, one possibility is that these are things he imagines YOU saying/feeling. That works with the pronouns.

[Larmoyant]

C.Stein, I don't think it is drivel. He is saying something to me and there is meaning in it. He sent it for a reason and I can't help wanting to know what he means. I'm emotionally attached to him and I'm hurting, trying to break away, but I just want to understand.

PC, that makes sense, but why? Am I trying to understand something that can't be understood do you think?

I'm trying not to look too deeply into it, but how is that possible? I loved this person, tried to understand him, hurt myself trying to understand him. I just want to try to make sense of it all.

[patientandclear]

If my interpretation is right, it would be about his feeling that you must no longer care.

[heartandwhole]

Larmoyant, this text doesn't make any sense to me. Is it possible that it was sent to you by mistake? It does happen.

I wouldn't break your head over it. A text like that doesn't deserve so much investment of your heart, does it?  

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

C.Stein, I don't think it is drivel. He is saying something to me and there is meaning in it. He sent it for a reason and I can't help wanting to know what he means.

L, consider this.

I used to send my ex texts like this because I knew it would make her smile if not laugh.  The texts I sent her were just pure nonsense.

He could very well be sending you a text like this because he knows it will cause this exact reaction from you.

[Larmoyant]

PC, It could be, accept for the last part, where he says 'he' almost made a mistake. Being with me I suppose. He is narcissistic maybe he's convinced himself that I'm missing him and maybe it reflects that? Who knows! All I know is it's triggered me and I'm hurting and I want to understand.

heartandwhole, I don't believe it's a mistake. He's sent me things before that don't seem to make sense or have any connection to anything, until I ask him and can connect the dots. We once had a text conversation where he'd voiced his actual thoughts, e.g. he wrote "no, don't talk to her she wouldn't look after the dog". I was very confused at the time, but later realised he was voicing his concerns, but hadn't meant to write them. I haven't responded, but I am triggered. I am hopelessly trapped.

[Larmoyant]

C.Stein, that makes sense to me. If so, it's worked. I'm incredibly upset and I want to escape his clutches.

[Panda39]

It may be that what the message says doesn't mean anything in itself. But sending a message... .any message is creating FOG in your mind.  He may be sending a nonsensical message trying to get you to reach out to him and ask him what it's about... .trying to get you to re-engage with him.

My advice is let it go, don't spend your time or energy on this.

Panda39

[C.Stein]

C.Stein, that makes sense to me. If so, it's worked. I'm incredibly upset and I want to escape his clutches.

I suspect he sent the text to get a reaction out of you and he knows this type of nonsense text would do just that.  He can only push your buttons if you allow him to.

[Larmoyant]

Panda, you may well be right, but it's too late. I've reacted instead of stepping back, taking a deep breath and leaving well alone. I've just sent him a response saying "who nearly made a massive mistake?". I didn't think it through. Now what? I'm a failure. C.Stein, I let him push my buttons.

[C.Stein]

No need to cry over spilt milk.    Lesson learned?

[Larmoyant]

Yes, lesson learned, but I feel a little sick, disappointed in myself. I've turned off my phone so I don't wait around all night for a response which is likely not going to happen. Feels like I'm back to square one and I was doing relatively well.

[Reforming]

Hi Larmoyant,

Do you think he made it so cryptic because he's trying to get you to engage by engaging in trying unravel its meaning?

I understand that you're still attached and trying to move towards detachment but when we're attached to a disordered person we often try to make sense of the nonsensical. He may not even know what it means him. Perhaps what's more important is what payoff he's looking for? And more even importantly what do you want?

If you want to detach don't respond and try and not dwell on it - I know this is hard but it's possible.

It may feel like a setback but it can help inform your decision about sending him a birthday text

Reforming

[bestintentions]

L -

You're not a failure, you're HUMAN.   

bi

[Panda39]

Larmoyant,

Don't beat yourself up  .  This is a learning opportunity and the great part is that if he responds again you can stop the engagement there. (You get another chance at this) If he responds let it lay there don't continue the contact.  This is not being rude or uncaring, this is setting and enforcing a boundary.  These kinds of things are going to happen as you break away from the relationship, there is no right or wrong it's a journey.

He is engaging in Push/Pull behaviors.  In case you haven't already done some reading on the subject here is a link to more info... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.00

Sometimes seeing the behaviors in a more clinical way can help get us out of the emotions that can keep us stuck.  I hope the above info is helpful.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[enlighten me]

Sounds to me like he is saying you used him. You didnt care about him and only wanted him to do things like the laundry.

It sounds like a bit of self loathing that he thinks that was the only reason you were with him but maybe a bit of projection.

[WendyDavid]

Hi Larmoyant

This is a real riddle.  It sounds like two people talking.  Person A asks person B the first question.  B says she does not miss the man that did the laundry.  As if to say B only values the man for his laundry work.  I hear an implication that B almost made the mistake of missing a man just to get laundry done.

If I were to go one stop further, I'd say the mistake was to confuse love with a convenience. ?

BTW, is your ex on medication?  My ex starts talking this gibberish when he is on his mood stabilizers.  We think his brain is trying to go back to its old defenses and the meds are stopping that action.  So his brain is trying to build new defenses and his speech gets messed up.  Just a theory.

[C.Stein]

Yes, lesson learned, but I feel a little sick, disappointed in myself.

It's alright L.  We all stumble and fall from time to time, I know I have many many times in my life.  What is important is to take something positive from it. 

[Larmoyant]

Reforming, yes, that's possible, maybe he was hoping I'd ask what it means. It could also have been a way to try to hurt me by telling me that he almost made a mistake if we'd gotten married. He'd asked me a few weeks before I left him. It was all nonsense really, game playing to keep me around, part of the crushing push/pull dynamic. This seems likely if he's feeling resentful. He is incredibly narcissistic and would not have liked that I left him and, this time stayed away for 9 months. I expect the payoff for him was getting a reaction from me and I stupidly obliged. The harder question is 'what do I want?'. I'm so close to blocking and erasing him from my life from all sources. So very close. Especially now given my anxious reaction. I'm tired now as it's 2am, but I believe this will help me decide about his birthday text. I really wish I hadn't responded.

bestintentions, thank you for the reminder. I shall dust myself off and tomorrow is a new day. Hope you're going ok?

Panda, I will treat this as a learning opportunity and try not to let it get me down. I don't think he'll respond. He may have got what he wanted. Testing the attachment. At least I know where I stand now, still enmeshed, still triggered, still anxious. It's been 9 months now and still I'm attached. Thank you for the helpful information. The push/pull was always the most painful part for me. Soul destroying. This was just a little reminder I suppose. Maybe it's not all bad.

Maybe, I'm a step closer to detaching except part of me feels tied to him, like I'll never escape. It's a horrible feeling and surely not normal? Does anyone else feel this way. Trapped?

enlighten, yes, this could well be what he means. He thinks I used him and didn't really love him. He often believed people were out to get one over on him (his words), including me I suppose. I remember him telling me I only wanted him for his house once and one time I only wanted him so I could have his dog! He has a strong narcissistic, or egotistic front, singing his own praises, but would often question people's motives if they liked him or not and he didn't trust anyone.

WendyDavid, yes, it's a riddle and so difficult to understand. Maybe he thinks I only valued him for what he could do for me. That I hadn't really loved him. As for medication, he takes anything he can get his hand on. He had been on antidepressants when we first met and said they were the reason for his temper outbursts so decided to come off them. Didn't alter his rages in the slightest.

C.Stein, I'm not sure what the positive here is, but maybe as Reforming says this may help me decide about his birthday message. Need to think some more.

[C.Stein]

Does anyone else feel this way. Trapped?

Sometimes I do, but it is a trap of my own making.

[sweet tooth]

Larmoyant, in my opinion the actual content of the text is meaningless.  I'm not an expert, but my educated guess is that the text was left ambiguous on purpose.  What's the purpose of any text? It's to communicate.  What's your ex communicating here? Through the text itself, nothing.  But the fact that that the person sent a text in the first place means they are trying to initiate a dialogue.  I'm guessing that your ex would hope you would reply with, "Huh? What's that supposed to mean?" or something similar to initiate a dialogue.  It's a sneaky, roundabout, and safe way to initiate contact.  If your ex would have texted, "Hey, Larmoyant, what's up?" you might be less likely to respond.  If the text is ambiguous it peaks your curiosity.  :)o you get what I mean?

For awhile, I kept receiving bizarre friend requests and FB messages.  A person supposedly from Texas, where my ex's family is from, randomly decided to FB message me.  I am about 98% certain it was my ex.  Why communicate this why? Because it's safe.  Under the guise of uncertainty or pretending to be somebody else it's easier to be rejected.  We aren't rejecting them at that point, we're rejecting an ambiguous message that didn't make any sense or a stranger from Texas. 

I responded by using my ex's name.  I said I would not talk to her unless she messaged me through her actual account or if she used her cell phone.  Guess what? The next day the account was GONE. Even after all these months, she's still trying to mess with me.  She has a new victim.  She came to a group function last night with him and they held hands entering, something she was very reluctant to do with me in public.  She knew I would be there.  I saw her glance at me a few times.  Then they disappeared, not to be seen for the rest of the evening.  I don't know why she came to a group function with the new victim and didn't stay with the group.  It's bizarre behavior.  However, I'm fairly certain she wanted me to see them holding hands since she knew I would be there in order to triangulate me.  I didn't show any emotion.  I completely blew them off. I expressed my frustrations with friends in private, but I did not allow her to see that she had any effect on me. I won't give her the satisfaction. 

[Reforming]

Larmoyant

A lot of us have felt anxious, trapped and hopeless, especially during the initial detachment period. The fact that a cryptic text from him can trigger intense anxiety says something about the nature of your attachment don't you think. Try and be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for what you've achieved, which is considerable.

Detachment is often painful but with time and space away from your ex it will grow easier and your anxiety will eventually fade. That was my experience.

What's important now is tending to your own needs - not his. His feelings are his responsibility not yours. He may well respond but you can choose to not respond any further. Perhaps this is the best course of action right now. When my relationship ended I needed NC to heal.

[Larmoyant]

Hi sweet tooth, yes, I understand and that makes sense too. It is ambiguous and here I am trying to make sense of it which reminds me I've been trying to makes sense of his behaviour for over 2.5 years now. He has tried many ways to engage me guilting, shaming and in his last text 3 weeks ago told me that I had never loved him as I hadn't helped him with his damaged wrist. This made me feel really bad, but I managed to stay away. Maybe this was just another way to get my attention. I've answered now and wish I hadn't especially if it makes him feel in control again. I'm sorry for your recent experience and I suspect you are right that she wanted to triangulate you. Given the chance my ex would do exactly the same. You managed it perfectly, but it must have been incredibly difficult. I wonder why they feel the need to behave so cruelly? Why hurt others like this? I hope you're ok, but well done on keeping it together. It would crush me to go through something like that.

C.Stein, how am I trapping myself do you think? It's a horrible feeling. I often feel like I'm in a battle of some sort with him, trying to keep my head above water whilst he's pushing it under. Not so much since I've stayed away, but it's still there. I sometimes feel like I may as well just give up. He's an incredibly strong person and I have to use everything I've got sometimes to stay strong so he doesn't defeat me. What am I doing wrong here?

Reforming, it helps to know I'm not alone with feeling this way. It's a feeling of intense helplessness and I don't want to sucumb to it. I sometimes question my own sanity but my therapist says I'm traumatised, but I'll come out of this stronger and wiser. I'm still triggered by him though and it is intense, anxiety provoking, but I seem to have balanced myself faster now whereas before it might have taken me days. I'm clearly still enmeshed with him though and it hurts.

[sweet tooth]

Thank you, Larmoyant.  I kept it together while she was there.  I didn't give her the satisfaction of seeing me affected.  However, inside I felt terribly.  I told my close friends and family how I felt.  In fact, a very nice girl who I like a lot asked me to come to the event. I wouldn't have even gone if she hadn't asked me. She's my ex's superior in just about every way possible. I was sitting next to her and talking to her and enjoyed it, but I couldn't just let go.  I couldn't completely enjoy it, if that makes sense.  I had a black cloud over my head.  Regarding triangulation, she triangulated me in the past.  She went on a date with some black guy and it caused a lot of drama for everyone involved. Then some guy messaged her and said he wanted to date her.  She took the bait but he "disappeared." Made me feel horrible. I forgave both instances like a moron. She also told me that her one ex messaged her to have sex with her and she "wishes he'd leave (her) alone."  More triangulation. So why wouldn't this instance be triangulation as well? 

What did you respond with? How do you think you can make yourself in control again? You can't control what he responds with, but you can choose how to respond and if you respond again.  I don't judge you one bit.  If it were me and would be very difficult for me not to respond.  Please keep me up to speed and I will offer you any support that I'm able to give.  

[Larmoyant]

Hi sweet tooth, thank you   . I'm very familiar with that type of behaviour. Right from the word go he'd mention his ex's saying that one of them was still interested in him and was chasing him. Setting me up to feel threatened or jealous in some sort of way which I wasn't at first just remember feeling uncomfortable and confused wondering why he was telling me this. I see this as a red flag now.

He'd also date others during our 'breaks' and tell me about it saying he'd been entitled as we hadn't been together which was true. We'd be out and he'd tell me he'd brought so and so here, that she'd been very interested in him, but he hadn't been able to put me out of his mind. It was horrible, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. I mean there was truth in there. We hadn't been together had we? But it was all so quick setting up a new attachment within minutes, if not before. I found him on 5 dating sites too although he'd told me he wasn't on them. As you mention it has the effect of making you feel really bad about yourself which I suppose is part of the intent. Along with their need to have attachments. Gives them a sense of control perhaps? As for your new friend maybe you could go out with her again and this time really enjoy it without the presence of your ex?

As for my response I just wrote "Who nearly made a massive mistake?" But he hasn't responded. Just wanted my attention I suppose. Test the attachment. I really shouldn't have responded, but too late will just carry on. It's as much my need to be in contact with him maybe? I'm not sure, but I find it hard to ignore his texts. Still, I feel far less anxious this morning. Back on the horse. Sweet tooth, thank you for your offer of support and I'm here for you too 

[C.Stein]

C.Stein, how am I trapping myself do you think? It's a horrible feeling. I often feel like I'm in a battle of some sort with him, trying to keep my head above water whilst he's pushing it under. Not so much since I've stayed away, but it's still there. I sometimes feel like I may as well just give up. He's an incredibly strong person and I have to use everything I've got sometimes to stay strong so he doesn't defeat me. What am I doing wrong here?

I think every persons trap is unique.  For myself I have created an emotional trap.  While I have logically let go of my ex, emotionally I have not.  The trap I constructed was that I convinced myself the things she did were not a true reflection of her real self.  Emotionally I don't want to believe she did the things she did and I don't want to let her go, emotionally speaking.  This has caused a massive emotional discord between the illusion I built around her and reality.  Sometimes I still feel connected to her, to the point where I momentarily question reality.  It literally feels like I could just go see her like none of this ever happened.  She is long gone though and I have been long forgotten.  I have no idea where she is and the last time I saw her was a little over a year ago, which is probably a good thing.  So I am trapped between this ridiculous illusion and reality.

Now with respect to what I think you are doing wrong?  I think you are letting him pull your strings.  He has become a puppet master, knowing exactly what string to pull to produce the desired response.  

Now I can visualize the progress you have made so far.  You have cut many of those strings and it has taken an enormous amount of courage and strength to do so.  The ones that remain are the thickest ones, the ones that are the hardest to cut, but you are trying and are currently in a virtual tug of war with him for those strings.  

It is time to cut the remaining strings L.  It is time to stand up and defiantly say NO MORE!.

You may falter when you cut those last strings and we will be here to support and guide you.  I believe in your inner strength and ability to do this,  How about you ... .do you believe?

[bestintentions]

L -

My trap is the same as C.Stein's.  However, my stbx and I have children together so at the very least they'll be a reminder of my existence.  I too still have moments of sheer disbelief, which I know is causing anxiety.  And when I get it... .it's an all over body feeling that sometimes lasts all day.  I'm extremely tired of it at this point.  But... .some days it isn't there and those days are becoming more frequent as time passes and I reiterate the belief in myself that I can and will move on without her and be happy again.  You can too.

Can you stop all physical contact (technology-related or not) and do you want to?  It'll be tough to recover without it.

bi

[Larmoyant]

The trap I constructed was that I convinced myself the things she did were not a true reflection of her real self.  Emotionally I don't want to believe she did the things she did and I don't want to let her go, emotionally speaking.  This has caused a massive emotional discord between the illusion I built around her and reality.  Sometimes I still feel connected to her, to the point where I momentarily question reality.  It literally feels like I could just go see her like none of this ever happened.  She is long gone though and I have been long forgotten.  I have no idea where she is and the last time I saw her was a little over a year ago, which is probably a good thing.  So I am trapped between this ridiculous illusion and reality.

.

This sounds incredibly painful. I wish I had something to say that would help you, but I can relate especially not wanting to believe the bad things he did, but those things are becoming increasingly clear to me. When memories surface I write them down as it helps and it stops me sinking into denial. I cannot afford to let the bad memories go right now as they are my lifeline, a reminder of the danger he poses. What you describe, your trap, sounds painful, but I doubt you have been forgotten.

.Now with respect to what I think you are doing wrong?  I think you are letting him pull your strings.  He has become a puppet master, knowing exactly what string to pull to produce the desired response.

.
 
You have jogged my memory as this is what my therapist says also. He appears to know me very well and what buttons to press. I like the reminder of the strings I've already cut. I have made progress even if some days it doesn't feel like it and yes, it took so much strength for me to pull away. I dread to think where I'd be if I hadn't, yet, you're right the tug of war is still happening. I can feel him pulling me sometimes and it's almost physical. Sometimes I feel like giving in, letting go, and have to really dig deep to stop myself. I can't seem to cut the remaining strings though. I keep responding to his efforts however small they seem. It's confusing and incredibly painful letting go of someone I'm so unhealthily attached to, someone I know can hurt me to the point of destruction. It's not dramatic. He can. I'm going to keep trying. I think I can do this C.Stein.