The Self-Compassion vs No Contact conflict.

[Cleanglass]

I've been spending a lot of time reading about being co-dependent recently and it has led me to read about self-compassion and how practising compassion for others we can feel more self-compassionate within ourselves and get our lives back on track.

The problem is, a lot of people on here talk about No Contact is the only way to go (very few disagree with this) but it seems this is a huge conflict with being compassionate, therefore we're technically stopping our own chances of being happy within ourselves. I mean of course time is a healer so we can feel better with time, but even with time it seems a lot of people still fear their exes coming back into their lives: I don't want to live in fear.

I think in the beginning of a break-up, no contact has it's advantages because it allows you to step back and take a moment to see everything from the outside. But as time is going by and my ex is starting to reach out to my friends and I believe he has got a drinking problem again (I witnessed it first hand before so I believe this sounds about right), I can't help feel that I'm not being compassionate towards his feelings. Am I not just doing what he has been doing to me? Is that the person I want to be?

Friends think there are too many risks attached to contacting him directly. I was thinking a letter in the post might be the way to go. I would appreciate honest opinions of whether people think this is naive and simply being too co-dependent or whether you think this could create a sense of closure.

When I say contact him, I don't mean start any form of relationship but simply explain that although I started NC to protect myself, it is now about discovering myself and getting to a better place emotionally. I'm sorry for any pain caused and I forgive any pain you've caused me. I understand that hurt people, hurt people. I was also thinking of offering a couple of my coping mechanisms i.e. meditations that have worked for me and an interesting TED talk about self-esteem vs self-compassion, which I genuinely think is where we all go wrong: thinking those two things are the same.

If he chooses to reject it then that will be his choice. I will still feel like I tried to do the compassionate thing and that in turn will help me heal myself.

Any thoughts?

[C.Stein]

It is possible to feel compassion without engaging him. 

Let me ask you this.  If contacting him were to cause him significant pain and distress would this be considered compassionate?  Are the reasons for contacting him more about self-compassion than compassion for him?

[Cleanglass]

I valid point. What if he were to contact me? Would it be fair then? I mean, obviously I'm assuming at this point that he wants contact but until he reaches out, technically it's only an assumption.

And tbh, I think you're right that I'm able to be compassionate without contact because already I've acknowledge that it's just hurt being thrown around.

But what happens if he goes too far before trying to reach out to me? Apparently he has something wrong with his liver from the medication and the drinking. What if it's too late by the time I reach him?

[C.Stein]

At the end of the day we can only do what we feel is right.

The reason I ask these questions is because I wonder sometimes if reaching out is more about us then it is them?  :)o you feel there is something you need to apologize for?  Is there some guilt you are carrying around and is it deserved guilt?  Would you feel guilty if you didn't contact him and if so why?

It is important we understand the real reasons why we might want to break NC.  Equally important is to understand and be willing to accept the blow back of doing so.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Cleanglass-

Good topic, good focus.

We tend to elevate certain concepts to almost mythical status around here, assign acronyms to them, the Mighty NC, No Contact, and what is that really?  Well, we were emotionally enmeshed with someone with a mental illness, and going there we feel anxious, stressed, fearful, confused, chaotic, insane, pick your descriptor, and grounded and centered would not be on the list yes?  So once there, rational decisions cannot be made as to what's best for us, we're lost, and I liken it to being electrocuted: you fling yourself away from the wires or whatever, with whatever muscle control you can muster, and worry about where you land later, it's pure "moving away from" for the sake of self preservation.  Speaking for myself here, although most can relate.

So then what?  With time, distance, fog-clearing, education, and emotion processing we find ourselves in a better place, and start thinking about things like compassion.  Seems you have a belief that if you're not compassionate towards others, specifically your ex, you're doing it "wrong" and/or you can't be compassionate toward yourself, have self compassion, unless you're compassionate towards others?  I've been in that outwardly-focused place myself, although really, if we don't take care of ourselves first, we have nothing to give.  Think about what flight attendants say on airplanes: "if oxygen masks drop from the overhead compartments, put yours on first before you help children and others", or something to that effect.  If we don't take care of ourselves first, we have nothing to give.

And then, with our feet on the ground a little, we look at the relationship through different glasses, and what comes up?  A desire to help maybe, a desire to assuage guilt, and desire to right wrongs, a desire to be genuinely compassionate towards someone with no agenda, just because it's right.  Well, part of self-compassion is forgiving ourselves, the way I did that was to realize and accept I was doing the best I could under very stressful circumstances, never the best place to make decisions from, and also realizing that perfection is impossible and is actually the lowest standard, because it's impossible, so let myself off the hook there. 

And then, once we get our feet on the ground and learn about the disorder we can be flooded with the "if-onlys"; if only I'd known what I know now then, if only I could have been in this emotional place then, if only I'd looked at things more objectively and realized my partner has a personality disorder, if only... .
And genuine compassion, the kind we felt at the beginning of the relationship, can come up; we have better skills now, we know what's going on, we feel badly about how things went down and kinda want a do-over.  Or maybe there's an agenda, hidden or otherwise, that if we could just be "different" things would have worked out, and now that we are different, let's try.  And maybe we're in denial about that too.

Problem is, the disorder is triggered by intimacy, and as we know some borderlines can function well in the world, even be considered upstanding members of the community, but behind closed doors?  Whew!  Look out!  Caused by emotional intimacy that triggers the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, no one's fault but the disorder's.  So the point: you are actually the worst person to help him, too close.

Anyway, caffeine ramblings on a Sunday morning.  Chiming in with what Stein mentions, what's the goal, or goals?  The real ones?  And what's that about and how can we use it?

[WendyDavid]

Hi Cleanglass

I know this feeling.  Its the feeling when we give money to charity but won't help someone in our own family that has constantly squandered our hand-outs.  Its like, how can we look at ourselves as loving human beings if we ignore the pain of this one person that we love?  In that case, breaking no contact is taking care of our needs.

If the other person contacts you and asks for help or love, then we have to ask ourselves if we are the ones that can effectively answer the call.  Its like if someone asks you for medical advice, but you are not a doctor.  You do them no service to take on the quest.  To really help them, you direct them to someone that is better equipped to help.  In this case, breaking no contact in order to get them in the right direction seems loving and responsible.

If you actually are the right person at the right time, and the other person is asking/ready for help, then permanently breaking no contact sounds like an acceptable choice.  I'm so glad to hear that you have gotten emotionally stronger while apart from your pwBPD.  Do you know what your pwBPD really needs right now?  Are you ready to take on the role of therapist/mommy/scapegoat or whatever might come at you?  If you are worried about his health, do you think your intervention will get him to take care of himself or will that make it worse?

[Grey Kitty]

I don't think NC and self-compassion are opposites... .instead they are (mostly) independent things, and other circumstances define what and why.

One reason to go NC (or LC, at least) is that when a relationship ends, your feelings need time to adjust to the new way of relating to this person as no longer your lover. I was NC with my wife for a week or two, but mostly LC. This is temporary--your heart will catch up to this sooner or later. I don't think there is any official time period for this; you will figure it out.

The next reason to stay NC (or LC at least) is to protect yourself from an emotionally dangerous person You don't pet poisonous snakes or rabid dogs for this same reason. In my case, my stbexwife isn't really showing abusive BPD behavior and hasn't for years, so she's about 100X more "safe" than most people's exes here are. For probably 99% of the other members, if they re-engage with their ex, they will have hurtful things happen again. So they know better and they don't. Or at least not more than is required given shared children, etc.

Many people can be good friends with an ex of theirs (usually years later), and appreciate all the good things that they shared even if they can't be together the way they were. I gotta say... .that seldom works with a pwBPD. What is *most* likely is that the emotional games and dramas that were in the relationship will show up in any post-relationship friendship. Sure, you can try with your ex, but be prepared to find that result and act accordingly.

And meanwhile, you can have compassion for yourself, and choose to take good care of yourself, whether that means reaching out to or staying clear of your ex.

You can also have compassion for the ex, even if you can't be in contact.

When I say contact him, I don't mean start any form of relationship but simply explain that although I started NC to protect myself, it is now about discovering myself and getting to a better place emotionally. I'm sorry for any pain caused and I forgive any pain you've caused me. I understand that hurt people, hurt people.

This sounds like wanting closure with him about the relationship ending. Another thing I'd caution you that he doesn't owe you, and if he has BPD, probably cannot offer you either. You have to find that for yourself.

I'd recommend contacting him if you genuinely want him in your life (obviously in a much reduced way than before!). And if he reaches out to you, you've got an interesting decision to make on what you want to do with it.

[patientandclear]

You might look at "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help" by Francisco Amador. Telling people who are mentally ill or emotionally dysfunctional how to get better has a notably low success rate, regardless of your good intentions, for reasons that make a lot of sense.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cleanglass, It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that it would be a good idea to contact him.  NC is an effective tool, not an iron-clad rule.  It's OK, in my view, if you decide that reaching out is the right thing for you, though I don't buy it that you are trying to help him with coping techniques, etc.  What is the real reason why you want to contact him?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim

[Reforming]

Hi Cleanglass,

Lots of good insights from others.

I think you're right compassion, like charity begins at home. We begin by showing how ourselves compassion - perhaps the most important thing that we can do. Sometimes that involves NC. That was certainly the case for me. I needed the safety and peace tend to my own wounds and heal and stop being codependent. Once I'd done that it's easier to feel compassion for my ex but I can can be done without reengaging in a relationship that was destructive.

When we feel a powerful urge to reconnect we need to be honest to ourselves about the our motives.

But what happens if he goes too far before trying to reach out to me? Apparently he has something wrong with his liver from the medication and the drinking. What if it's too late by the time I reach him?

This suggests rescuing and codependency. You're not responsible for his physical or mental well being and you can't fix him. In order to get better he needs to take responsibility for this

Good luck

Reforming