Not first time here

[eulerskedaddle]

Hello, I'm struggling a lot at the moment so sorry if this sounds rude or anything. It's not my first time here but I lost passwords, I've been in a long distance relationship with someone who is undiagnosed and whom I really can't tell to try to get diagnosed because in the earliest days that we met I disclosed my issues with people with BPD (my mother, although it seems she's more hystrionic) and it'll seem manipulation.

I'm currently NC kind of, but not because of my choice, nor hers, I had a breakdown and I'm terrified of any communication method. I work online and can barely check my emails, I removed all apps for communication from my phone, it's been on mute since, I can't pick up the phone when it rings, I can barely even listen to music that I like or read the news or anything like that. I can't use social media. I saw a commercial that had the sound of a Skype call and I panicked... .the works.

I can't keep up with conversations in real life, with family i just sort of pretend, with some help from a friend I can check messages on a social media site and I've managed to sort of check in so people don't think I'm dead, but last time she sent a message a week ago asking if I'd come back and I thought I had replied but I didn't, I only replied yesterday (I have trouble with short term memory at the moment, so I forget whether I've done something or not). The guilt over taking a week to reply with a "yes but i'm not well enough yet" is what brought me here. I keep thinking I'm faking it like I did it on purpose and I'm exaggerating or something but given that it took me a week to realize I hadn't sent a message and I can't check the messages myself without help I guess I'm not.

I can do some things - I can go to the bank or buy stuff or take the bus, I've been learning stuff and working which I can do because my job is very impersonal and short tasks and done alone (database entries stuff) but I panic when the doorbell rings etc

I was meant to move in with her (to another country where she currently lives) this month, tentative date was a week from now. But we had a fight and then I had the breakdown and it's been three weeks like this. I can't really talk to other friends either because I feel too guilty and also I don't have anything to say that is fun nor room for other people's feelings. The initial days I was extremely at risk with suicidal thoughts etc, constant intrusive thoughts about self-harming myself in ways that would make me unable to communicate from then on, but later on I could sort of get by enough to get in contact with this long time friend so he could help me with communication. But still my emails stay unchecked (I don't know if she's emailed me at all), I haven't been on social media, I know there are some voice mails on whatsapp (which I uninstalled in a panic), skype (which i also uninstalled in a panic)... .I don't know

I feel terrible, she said I was abusing her because I didn't tell her something and then told me to not talk to her in a personal way, just like, friend/fun way for a bit, and we were low communication for about a week and I was so unwell during that I kept trying to get out of the house and just like, do things (I don't engage in risky behaviors, just like, I visited a friend out of town for the day and we took professional portfolio pics, things like that) and then she was upset because i was acting weird that week and I just cracked - due to trauma (and autism - also undiagnosed, I'm too 'high-functioning' and my country has no diagnoses for adults) I can't tolerate confrontation, and it takes me a while to process emotions, and when we fight she yells at me for a while and I get really upset and unable to talk which makes her angrier, and then she gets over it and wants to have phone sex or just be soothed and I do that and she's fine and I'm like... .unwell for weeks

I was too unwell to be able to cope with a fight and I was trying to find help (like a emotional support chat or something because my local help line is by phone and I couldn't speak well at the time) and then the fight was imminent and I just snapped - I posted apologies to everyone that I had had a breakdown and then just didn't come back.

I don't know  I just feel like I've done something terrible to her but I know I wouldn't have done it if I had been able to do ANYTHING else, even now when I think about existing as a person who has a future and who has done things I get really unwell and intrusive thoughts return but I feel I should explain myself to her or tell her why things got so bad (whenever I tried to bring up my differences in processing information and feelings or how it's scary to move to another country or my family she would get upset and I don't want her to be upset) but I can't even cope with the idea of HAVING apps that we used to communicate through.

I don't know what I'm trying to say or anything, I'm just feeling so guilty. Only two days ago was I able to first acknowledge why it was wrong the names she called me the day we had the big fight that lead to the week before my breakdown. It's hard and I feel it's true now what she said about me abusing her but I just don't know how to fix it, I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm posting for because I'm too afraid of seeing things that are replied to me and I'll probably be too useless to offer help to anyone else, I just want it to be over

At this point I would be happy to lose all my friends and contacts on social media and my future with her and even my job or anything if it just meant not having to have a single 5 minute confrontation with her - and I'm not just saying it I mean, I've been without anything for three weeks and although it's hollow and whatnot it's preferable to a single fight. But I don't want her to suffer and I want her to get help and I want us to be friends at least. I don't need us to be dating - in fact I don't feel I should ever be friends or ANYTHING with anyone ever again since I'm so poisonous and due to the way I've been raised and personality, that'd be fine. But the right thing is to confront this and tell her and be honest and all that - we've been together (on/off) for seven years - and I don't want to pretend that everything is fine when it clearly isn't.

It's just too hard, how do people even talk to each other about their problems? For so long I've just like tried and changed whatever she didn't like and now it turns out everything I did was bad and I'm just at a loss. I have issues knowing who I am, what is the truth, what I do and why, and my entire value system has toppled down. All my life I've been suicidal and the reason I have always managed to stave off is that I knew I was good for other people, and then it was as if I'd been wrong and I was as bad as the people who've abused me but worse because I am meant to know better and my being alive was bad for others and just... .I know I'm unwell and having to rebuild my entire life from the inside but I can't shake off the feeling that I'm faking it and only avoiding her to try to manipulate her - although I know I'm not, it's real and I'm not avoiding her, I'm avoiding EVERYTHING and I don't care what she does as long as she doesn't yell at me again which is not an unreasonable thing I think, although I guess it is abusive to try to limit her expression of her feelings which would be valid and come from something that I've done to her and... .

I don't know, I just needed to tell this to someone who understands, sorry if this has many mistakes I can't emotionally handle rereading things because if i do then I just delete them and I think I shouldn't

I am in therapy and my therapist has insisted for a long time that the relationship was abusive and she tells me to just take it slow and focus on myself and get better and strong again before even thinking about solving it, but although I know I haven't lied and that she's right - I FEEL that I've misrepresented my gf and that I probably deserved the yelling and that I should try better to fix things and all that stuff, which i know stems from being abused really but the feeling is there so.

Thank you for reading, I'm so sorry

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WendyDavid]

Hi Eulerskadaddle

I'm glad to see you talking about family, friends, and a therapist in your post.  If I was you family member, I'd probably take you to a doctor.  Hearing that you have such a difficult time doing daily functions is a sign to me that you need someone professional to show you the way back to taking care of yourself.  I agree with your therapist and add that you might not be ready for a relationship, right now.  Your post sounds like you have totally reduced your self-worth to nothingness and place all value on her feelings.  Yes? No?

I empathize with your breakdown.  I had one too when I started to find out what what was really happening with my husband at the same time I found out I had cancer.  Its like a personal apocalypse.  Its as if all existence is removed and everything your brain has ever helped you with in the past is now rendered totally useless.  I found that making myself keep working and talking to others helped me get some life back into me.  This is a time when you need those family and friends to listen to you.

I'm sure that you want to feel better and that you want your gf to have more positive experiences with you.  It may be time to cut this relationship out of your life, focus on your life, then try to see if the relationship can happen.  I'd love to hear a follow up on how you are taking care of yourself.  Also, let us know how your family and friends are reacting to your story.

[eulerskedaddle]

Hello WendyDavid, thank you so so much. I am grateful about family and friends and therapist

It's funny about the therapist, I'm seeing her because last November she said she was 'done with me' when in the middle of being very unwell - due to her shouting of weeks - I bowed out of a group phone call when addressed and that embarrassed her in front of the others. Then she said I HAD to go to therapy - which I had been avoiding in fear of the therapist telling me to break up with her (among other things). For a month I thought we had broken up and only talked to her like a friend but then she threw the SO WHEN ARE YOU MOVING IN WITH ME? thing and I was just so shocked I couldn't tell her I thought we had broken up.

I was medicated for a few days after the breakdown, I have suffered with chronic depression and it's not my first big crisis but this was so much worse. Other times it has been apathy or stress, it had never been this self-loathing and hopelessness (and having had depression all my life I have a pretty high threshold for it and ways to stave it off).

I don't care so much for a romantic relationship, I just don't want to abandon her you know? I do value other people's feelings above my own needs, I have hyperempathy and that's quite troublesome sometimes. It's also why I can't handle fighting which she's so good at - I just become paralyzed, i can't speak and that makes her angrier.

I'm sorry to hear about your breakdown and the cancer, you are so strong and kind. I really appreciate your response and reading my post.

My friends who know her say I should go NC, but I can't really like - converse, a couple check in with me only. My family, due to religious reasons and lack of closeness etc, don't know anything (I was always the emotional protector for the adults in my life and I just don't feel strong enough to unload the whole story on them). My therapist says to just take it slow and get strong before anything.

It's tricky because there is one way she can contact me and she's sent me messages, she's been having some horrible family problems (not anything she's done just life happening) and she needs support. I told her she could message me through there because I can't do phone, and she just said it was unfair that it's been a month and that I should talk on the phone with her. But I can't do that very well.

I mean, I can but I don't hear well at the moment (even in my native tongue my mom has taken to signal things because I always ask what she said) which has caused many fights (when I can't hear well - it means I am not listening to her which is bad) and I can't speak very well (I slur/stutter and say the wrong words with a lot of work but most often just don't speak - which also bothers her because it means I don't want to talk to her) and I literally can't access my feelings nor do I have intelligence nor strength to offer advice to others - I can't handle even being aware that tomorrow is another day, or that I am a human being - I will not be any help. I got all cold and had to take a 3 hour nap just to process the message of "I want to talk because *this thing happened* and text doesn't cut it for me".

I've considered replying and setting some ground rules - tell her that I don't hear well, I can't speak well and my emotions are cr*p, but I'm afraid of being yelled at for that. I just don't want to feel the way she makes me feel when she yells at me, or that other one - the gratefulness that you aren't being yelled at although you deserve it. I cannot cope with the idea of that. I deleted every single communication app while screaming and have cancelled my phone plan so that nobody can call or text me :/ I'm not just faking it, it's like - I'd rather walk through fire than take a phone call and she acts like I'm doing it on purpose to hurt her.

My friend who helps me has mentioned that not once has she asked how I am, just made guilt tripping comments of needing me to come back. Whatever she had before, who I was before the breakdown, doesn't exist anymore though. I'm just not that person anymore. I'm not strong enough.

Sorry for the rambling, I don't know what to do.

(Also, sorry about my username haha, I made it in a random name generator, I don't know what it means.)

Hi Eulerskadaddle

I'm glad to see you talking about family, friends, and a therapist in your post.  If I was you family member, I'd probably take you to a doctor.  Hearing that you have such a difficult time doing daily functions is a sign to me that you need someone professional to show you the way back to taking care of yourself.  I agree with your therapist and add that you might not be ready for a relationship, right now.  Your post sounds like you have totally reduced your self-worth to nothingness and place all value on her feelings.  Yes? No?

I empathize with your breakdown.  I had one too when I started to find out what what was really happening with my husband at the same time I found out I had cancer.  Its like a personal apocalypse.  Its as if all existence is removed and everything your brain has ever helped you with in the past is now rendered totally useless.  I found that making myself keep working and talking to others helped me get some life back into me.  This is a time when you need those family and friends to listen to you.

I'm sure that you want to feel better and that you want your gf to have more positive experiences with you.  It may be time to cut this relationship out of your life, focus on your life, then try to see if the relationship can happen.  I'd love to hear a follow up on how you are taking care of yourself.  Also, let us know how your family and friends are reacting to your story.

[WendyDavid]

My family, due to religious reasons and lack of closeness etc, don't know anything (I was always the emotional protector for the adults in my life and I just don't feel strong enough to unload the whole story on them).

Are you religious also?  Or is it more like your family cultural background has a religious base?  The reason I'm asking is because our beliefs can be a source of personal strength.  Bonding with other people makes us stronger than we are by ourselves.  Bonding with our "greater power" makes us stronger than all that we've ever experienced. 

It sounds like you could use some emotional strength now to get you functioning again.  I wish that was something that was "giftable".

[eulerskedaddle]

Thank you Wendy, I'm kind of but not really, not in the same way, and she wishes I wasn't religious at all. I've just realized it's not evident from my posts but the reason I brought up religion is because it's a gay relationship, I'm a woman. The religion that our families have is one that shuns us, we could be religious in our own way and find strength that way but that would still be alienating - to have another religion than our families, so that doesn't work for her nor for me unfortunately. I'm sorry to be a downer  

Are you religious also?  Or is it more like your family cultural background has a religious base?  The reason I'm asking is because our beliefs can be a source of personal strength.  Bonding with other people makes us stronger than we are by ourselves.  Bonding with our "greater power" makes us stronger than all that we've ever experienced. 

It sounds like you could use some emotional strength now to get you functioning again.  I wish that was something that was "giftable".

[WendyDavid]

Oh I see... .I can see why you need your relationship with her to be strong or your family bond to be strong.  Its a horrible situation to have to choose.  When my parents stopped talking to me because I moved in with a man I was not married to, I had to have a strong relationship with him because my relationship with my family was almost completely gone.  I sure made a mistake because now I'm not with that man and my family is still not supportive.

In your case, you are who you are.  You can't really decided to give up romantic love for the rest of your life.  Is EVERYONE in your family opposed to you having a relationship with a woman?

You can still have faith without religion.  Religion is to guide groups of people, faith is to guide individuals.  I'm pretty sure all people have some view of how the world works and their place in it, even without religious or spiritual ideas.  Have you given much thought to where you get your source of personal strength?

[eulerskedaddle]

Hi Wendy, thank you for your replies, I was truly not explaining myself well so that's not what I meant at all, but I thank you for caring, sorry to be bad at this, I'd rather we forget this conversation because feeling misunderstood is extremely triggering for me since it's been the source of abuse all my life, it's not your fault, I don't talk normal, but it's still the case that keeping conversing will be worse  I'll try to keep questions practical in the future, I'm really sorry