Back Again

[SoMadSoSad]

Keep us updated Willis, I'm interested how everything will turn out for you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

I have spent numerous weeks debating what I want to do. I've decide I do want her back if she comes back. I've had time to rehash everything. My ex did do something for me before everything went down. She knows herself very well. She warned me that this might happen and it would take time for things to cool down. She had the frame of mind to write me letters to help me during times like this. So I'm going to leave a place in my heart for her, but also continue to live my life and get myself better.

A thought I had yesterday was what would my ex's true self think of what her false self is doing to me. Her true self would horrified about how her false self has been treating me. I feel like since she has high awareness of her disorder and once her episode has come down to a certain point she will see what has really happened. I believe she will come back at some point. So far her letters and words have followed through.

I now know my reaching my reaching out for a month plus has made things worse and her engulfment fears are high. I now know that I have to do the hardest thing and just leave her alone and let her stabilize and feel abandoned. It makes me sick to think she will have to date some and be with someone to possibly realize that she made a mistake with me. I've done a lot of deliberating and understand the challenges that are ahead if things begin to work out for us.

Willis, I'm not sure if this will make any direct difference to how you are thinking about this, but -- your notion that the version of her whom you originally fell in love with is the "true self" and the defended, hostile version is the "false self" isn't how BPD is thought to work.

As I understand it, in the glowing early period before things get rocky, you feel like you're with someone incredibly open and vulnerable, and you trust you are getting their real self; but for the pwBPD, this closeness may actually be achieved by what feels to them like putting on a false self.  Whence all the little hints about "if you knew the real me, would you really still love me," and the intimation that the partner doesn't know the whole story.

So from the perspective of the pwBPD, the sweet wonderful side is not the "true self" but rather what it takes for them to get others to care for them.

The schema framework for how BPD works suggests that all these sides are in there and equally "real" aspects of the person; none is more "real."  But from the viewpoint of the pwBPD, there is enormous mistrust of their own presentation as loving loyal trusting vulnerable and open, as this is thought to be the price paid to attract another person.

I too have a strong intuitive sense of the core of my ex with BPD as being good; but it is so buried in the projection, denial and coping mechanisms, which, according to my ex, are "really" what he feels ... .it becomes pointless to long for that core part.

[Meili]

I think that this is where RADICAL ACCEPTANCE comes in. There is no "real" or "false" per se. It's all the pwBPD. You have to accept both sides if you are going to accept the person into your life.

[Willis002]

Before I start I want everyone to know I'm okay... .

I tried taking my life Saturday night. I'm doing fine and I understand it was a huge mistake. I sent out three text to my best friends and my ex. She called 911 and sent my parents the text I sent her. She tried calling me and sent me a text saying, "Please get help and take care of yourself. No one is worth your life. I hope you find happiness." I know in the grand scheme of things this is a low priority. I'm going to therapy starting sometime this week. I feel like I have made things incredibly worse. I believe she will never want me again

[ArleighBurke]

I can't imagine the pain you must feel to try such drastic steps.

PLEASE lean on your family and friends. Talk with them - openly and honestly. Let them help you through this all.

[Willis002]

I am. I'm going to get help and let her go. I don't see her ever coming back but with BPD you never know. I'll update you guys if she does comeback someday.

[Meili]

I cannot convey how glad I am that you're alright!

Unfortunately, I can imagine that pain because I was there about a decade ago. I agree with your ex; no one is worth that. I also agree with AB, please lean on your friends and family or whoever is available in those times.

It will be incredibly difficult, but please try not to think about her and a future with her right now. You need to focus on you and your own well-being. Whether or not there is a future with her depends entirely on that because you must take care of yourself first.

Please keep us posted as to what is going on with you.

[SoMadSoSad]

Will we see you in the detaching boards?

[Willis002]

I'll be updating in here. Currently the ex said she wants me to leave here alone and she never wants to see me again. I know that you never know with BPD. I might go to the detaching board but would like to continue on this thread for now.

[JJacks0]

So glad you're okay, Willis. Please keep us updated on your progress. 

[Willis002]

I'm doing really good now! I talked to another psychic, but this time I believe I found the real deal. He knew peoples names that are in my life and was able to say things about me that he couldn't know about. He told me my ex BPD doesn't want me right now, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else. That between Christmas and New Years she will make a weak attempt and contact me. Around Valentines Day she will try and get back with me. I'm taking this at face value, but looking at things I've read it will be 3 months in December since we've been broken up. That would mean she would be with this guy for 3 months and that's when ___ will start hitting the fan, because 3 months is usually when things go down hill with someone with BPD. I can totally see her switching from this silent treatment to putting on a full court press to try and get me back. With what the psychic said and what I've learned about BPD everything does line up. I've been mentally thinking how I would handle both possible encounters. I'm thinking about ignoring her in December. That will make her mad and that she has no more control over me. In February I will talk to her. I know things now about what happened. I will accept nothing but the truth else I'm hanging up on her. I know what exactly happened and she can't get away with her lies with me. I will make it very hard for her to reenter my life. I'm stronger than she thinks.

[flourdust]

Have you looked into seeing a therapist? That might be very helpful for you. I know my therapist has helped me a lot.

[Willis002]

I'm in the process of looking. Finding it hard at the moment to find someone.

[FallBack!Monster]

Wow. Thought I was the only one who believed in psychics. Mine, always spot on. I followed every advise ever given. Best advice, do for your ex if you want and don't when you don't want. Never fight your feelings. I don't if I don't want to. Do when I do. Total freedom. My psychic is amazing. I respect him. Said I should get back with my ex and how it benefited both of us. Didn't listen. I'm fine, happy, and Free of confusions. My psychic new why I liked my ex. Was embarrassed when he told me but couldn't keep me hooked. Said my ex is Bipolar. I never said it first.
Glad you're doing good, W002.
Since you already know, you know what "not" to do.
Ex said she was looking for a new therapist. My psychic told me she mean new sexual partner. He was right.

[Willis002]

Yeah the psychic told me she had her mom, best friend and her guy friend in her ear. It turned everything upside down. She is enjoying the single life right now and screwing her guy friend. He told that we can get back together but he said there's no promises this won't happen again. The fact there is people in her ear is causing all this to happen. She is scared to death of commitment and that I'm safe for her to come back. He told me that she will be pissed if I don't respond to her in December. In February he said she will try very hard to get back with me. She will try to insert herself into my relationship if I'm in one and he thinks I will be at this point. I could be very interesting if that were to happen. She is cold as ice right now, but seems like she will do whatever it takes to get me back.

[FallBack!Monster]

Yeah the psychic told me she had her mom, best friend and her guy friend in her ear. It turned everything upside down. She is enjoying the single life right now and screwing her guy friend. He told that we can get back together but he said there's no promises this won't happen again. The fact there is people in her ear is causing all this to happen. She is scared to death of commitment and that I'm safe for her to come back. He told me that she will be pissed if I don't respond to her in December. In February he said she will try very hard to get back with me.She will try to insert herself into my relationship if I'm in one and he thinks I will be at this point. I could be very interesting if that were to happen.

She is cold as ice right now, but seems like she will do whatever it takes to get me back.

My psychic is never that precise. Doesn't scare you or worry you to know she'll attempt to stop your life from moving forward while she screws around with whomever she wants?
Beyond selfishness I think.
Mine has a friend she screws for many years. Exchange pics and has group sex. Highly knowledgeable about motel beds. The guy is as she is. Is why he stays. Is why she does too.
Luckily my ex is mostly miles away in lala "land" all the time. Will not try that with me. I'm in a different place she doesn't suspect. Diligently did homework about me still don't know me without the blindfold.
My psychic said, the one she screws is insignificant to her but significant to hurt he who dares to care for her. He never gets close. Knowing what I know now and thinking back, both  screw each other and many others. My psychic said I'm lucky I didn't catch a new strain of STD. Both pathological, sleep around, whatnot He is married or was. She is forever single even when she's married. Gross. throw up.

[Willis002]

I'm sorry to hear that! Yeah it's selfish and that ones with BPD. Right now she is being selfish and not caring about she did to me. Playing the victim role very well. When she does try to comeback I'm not going to back down. I know pretty much everything that has happened. I'm currently doing my thing and if she finds out oh well. And if she does I hope she get upset and jealous that I can move on be with some else. I do love my ex but she has done so much damage. When we talk I will not allow her to lie to me. I will say no try again because I know the situation very well now. All the puzzle pieces have fallen in line. I'm no saying I won't get back with her but she has many hurdles and hoops to go through to get back to my heart. I'm not naive anymore. I will be blunt with her and tell her this will happen again unless you get help and stop letting others make your decisions for you. All I know if I'm happy that will be a slap in the face she her. I can be happy without her.

[flourdust]

What will you do if the things the psychic told you don't happen?

[Willis002]

I'll do nothing. I'll check continue to persue other women. It's a win win for me.