How can I not hate myself?

[peripeticallys]

Right now, I hate myself. I hate my partner, too. My significant other has BPD and he's not in treatment. About two weeks ago, we had a really bad episode. He kicked me out of the house we live in together and yelled at me and generally made me feel pretty terrible.

I'm a mess right now. I feel like ___ basically every single day. I had a panic attack last night when he came home late and then again this morning. I think that everything will be a trigger of another episode. It almost feels like I have PTSD.

I can't eat, or sleep. I'm scared to talk to him, because it'll probably set off another episode.

What do I do? Where do I go from here?

[schwing]

Hi Peripeticallys,

Right now, I hate myself. I hate my partner, too. My significant other has BPD and he's not in treatment.

It's his choice not to find help. Why don't you find help for yourself?  Coming here is one source.  Do you think you would benefit from having a therapist?

About two weeks ago, we had a really bad episode. He kicked me out of the house we live in together and yelled at me and generally made me feel pretty terrible.

If possible develop escape routes for when another bad episode occurs.  If you know he's going to start behaving badly, just leave and go to some place where it is safe for you.  Could be somewhere public.  Could be at a trusted friend's place. Basically any place where you can go to in order to avoid being yelled at.

Eventually, you might start developing a plan for leaving him, if that is a contingency you wish to consider.

I had a panic attack last night when he came home late and then again this morning. I think that everything will be a trigger of another episode. It almost feels like I have PTSD.

I can't eat, or sleep. I'm scared to talk to him, because it'll probably set off another episode.

You probably are experiencing a degree of PTSD. This is a good reason to have professional support.

What do I do? Where do I go from here?

You can also consider finding local support groups such as Alanon or any kind of support group for people who are in abusive situations.

I believe you will stop hating yourself, if you can take steps to start protecting yourself from situation that are harmful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Circle]

Hang in there going through this. Be sure to keep reading other posts. There are often good points and strategies in people's responses to other posts. And, remember to read the steps/links to the right. Take good care of yourself, by doing these things.

[uniquename]

Seek out professional help. Call your local behavioral health center. Call Crisislink. You don't need to go through this alone.

[Foolishwizdom]

How are you? What have you been able to get a break from the stress?

When I was in a similar place two years ago, I needed physical distance in order to stop hating and lower the intensity or "stop the bleeding" as they describe in the steps here.

As long as I was in the same space feeling jumpy and worried about where he was, I could not find relief from the emotions or peace with myself. Your situation is different but whatever it takes to de-escalate and stop the bleeding for you is worth it.

I am sure it felt terrible to be kicked out of your own home but how did it feel being away from him? Did you have a safe space that you could be in? What would it feel like to choose not to share space with your partner for a while?