Hi Peripeticallys,
Right now, I hate myself. I hate my partner, too. My significant other has BPD and he's not in treatment.
It's his choice not to find help. Why don't you find help for yourself? Coming here is one source. Do you think you would benefit from having a therapist?
About two weeks ago, we had a really bad episode. He kicked me out of the house we live in together and yelled at me and generally made me feel pretty terrible.
If possible develop escape routes for when another bad episode occurs. If you know he's going to start behaving badly, just leave and go to some place where it is safe for you. Could be somewhere public. Could be at a trusted friend's place. Basically any place where you can go to in order to avoid being yelled at.
Eventually, you might start developing a plan for leaving him, if that is a contingency you wish to consider.
I had a panic attack last night when he came home late and then again this morning. I think that everything will be a trigger of another episode. It almost feels like I have PTSD.
I can't eat, or sleep. I'm scared to talk to him, because it'll probably set off another episode.
You probably are experiencing a degree of PTSD. This is a good reason to have professional support.
What do I do? Where do I go from here?
You can also consider finding local support groups such as Alanon or any kind of support group for people who are in abusive situations.
I believe you will stop hating yourself, if you can take steps to start protecting yourself from situation that are harmful to you.
Best wishes,
Schwing
