What has happened?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all
I am back from my holiday, maintaining NC and will not break it. Had a series of unpleasant emails but deleted and everything now blocked. Shut down my FB account ages ago and not remotely tempted to look.i am however a bit worried about me. I am unsure why I have been able to reach the stage I am at. I know my suffering has gone on for a long time but where am I now, how did I get to where I am now.
Am not in any form of denial, I know I understand enough about BPD to not lay blame, I haven't been angry with him for a long time as I get what BPD is about. I sympathise with him for the terrible illness ruining his life but know that I will no longer let it ruin mine. I'm proud to acknowledge I tried my best and loved him so very much but that it wasn't enough, no ones love will ever be enough for him. , he wants it but can't deal with it. I have been to places we went together and looked at things we have bought and no longer cry with grief, I just feel a manageable sadness. I have no desire to see him, I have no desire to be his friend. I can think clearly about my future without him in it in anyway at all.
The crippling misery has gone but I don't feel numb, I feel me. I am not indifferent to his suffering but I feel some sort of indifference, don't know what it is, I find it all very worrying. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back to the way I was and won't but can someone tell me why this has happened. Reading this I sound ridiculous.
Love from Sadly. X

[Sadly]

Hello all
I am back from my holiday, maintaining NC and will not break it. Had a series of unpleasant emails but deleted and everything now blocked. Shut down my FB account ages ago and not remotely tempted to look.i am however a bit worried about me. I am unsure why I have been able to reach the stage I am at. I know my suffering has gone on for a long time but where am I now, how did I get to where I am now.
Am not in any form of denial, I know I understand enough about BPD to not lay blame, I haven't been angry with him for a long time as I get what BPD is about. I sympathise with him for the terrible illness ruining his life but know that I will no longer let it ruin mine. I'm proud to acknowledge I tried my best and loved him so very much but that it wasn't enough, no ones love will ever be enough for him. , he wants it but can't deal with it. I have been to places we went together and looked at things we have bought and no longer cry with grief, I just feel a manageable sadness. I have no desire to see him, I have no desire to be his friend. I can think clearly about my future without him in it in anyway at all.
The crippling misery has gone but I don't feel numb, I feel me. I am not indifferent to his suffering but I feel some sort of indifference, don't know what it is, I find it all very worrying. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back to the way I was and won't but can someone tell me why this has happened. Reading this I sound ridiculous.
Love from Sadly. X

[Bushido]

i just have to say... .
it´s like you read my mind and made this post out of it.
i just want to say that everything you do is toward better...
one day the cracks in your mind will be gone and a new era begins...
... you might not even notice it.

and truely. . . with all my heart. . . i am with you in this one!

[SoMadSoSad]

Congrats on reaching the end of the detachment road. Keep working on you and your life and things will fall into place. You've done a lot of work already and it is finally paying off. I hope to someday reach your level of detachment.

[JerryRG]

I'm happy for you Sadly

These days come and go for me.

I believe for me it's indifference, I still have the memories but less emotions tied with them. I still ask "why" and that too is fading.

Enjoy the peace, Sadly.

Know you are well
You will be whole
You will be free

[Sadly]

Oh Bushido
I feel you, thank you, I wish this with all my heart for you too.    X
So mad
Do you think that's where I am? It feels weird, I feel free, light as a bird, it's scary but wonderful. I wish it for you too, for everyone here. It's so hard to explain. For the first time in two years I am crying tears of happiness. It's a bit like having taken a drug or something, promise, have only smoked Chesterfielld Reds.   x

JerryG
I had days when I was dealing with things and thought that I had beaten it and the days when I fell apart, this is different but I don't know how to explain it. I want this for you too, permanently.   x

Has this happened in the same way for others? I am worried there is something wrong with me yet the feeling that It's real is solid. I am walking away with my head high, residual sorrow that this has happened at all and true sorrow for him but that's it. I'm a bit scared mind, not of going backwards and not of going forwards but how it has happened.

Love from Sadly x

[SoMadSoSad]

Maybe your vacation showed you that there is so much more out there to enjoy rather than focus on your ex.

[Sadly]

No, I don't think so. I have been away before and missed him desperately. This holiday wasn't bundles of fun but it was relaxing. On my first day I received a vile message from him, full of hurtful stuff and was distraught as usual but then something changed, could it really be something as simple as " enough is enough" I don't know but whatever it was I an incredibly grateful as the desperate emotional side of things was destroying me.   x

[SoMadSoSad]

Yes maybe you have grown tired of him. That is also a possibility. You are gaining more emotional maturity maybe?

[Sadly]

I just don't know. I was certainly tired of the misery I was living with and tired of the awful verbal abuse and sheer selfishness of him but I still loved him very much. Where are you in your detachment stage, are you doing well? X

[patientandclear]

I suggest you bottle it and sell it!  I'd buy

I get what you mean about feeling unsettled about feeling okay.  I'm pretty much in the same place.  I feel like myself.  And in a strange way, THAT feels like something (the sense of profound tragedy, lost meaning ... .) has been misplaced.

I think maybe we are just out of practice being okay.

[C.Stein]

Sadly,

Your heart just caught up with your head.  It is a milestone you should be proud of.   

[Oncebitten]

Sadly

So happy for you, a milestone indeed.  It must be a wonderful feeling to reach that point.  When you realize you are you again. 

[JerryRG]

Keep getting better Sadly 

Celebrate You!

[Sadly]

Thank you all so very much. With out you all I don't think I would have got here. PC, if I could bottle it I would be so happy I would be sending a bottle to everyone here. CS, yes I think it has.
I have seen these words written here before' " you will get there, if I can anyone can" but they were just words, now I can say it too and know they are not just words, trust me.
The last email from him I got before I blocked him was horribly and instead of feeling like I had been stabbed with hurt, I just thought " silly arse, your loss".
Will be coming back, look for the name Smiley instead of Sadly.
     
Love from ME xxxxx

[heartandwhole]

So happy to read this, Sadly    Well done. It pays to trudge through and keep the faith. So glad you never gave up. 

heartandwhole

[Sadly]

Thank you HW, I could say a million thank you's here and it would never be too many.   xxx

[Pipedreamer25]

Sadly I really am so thrilled for you.  You deserve happiness and freedom I hope that it continues like this and you just grow stronger and stronger.  All the hugs   

[Nextinline]

Hey Sadly,

You reached your tipping point, your point of "no return".
That place where we step out of the past and onto the future.

So today is now the first day of the rest of your life.

Go live it and don't look back.

Well done.

[enlighten me]

For me I got to a point where I just couldnt be bothered with it. I was sick of thinking about and talking about my ex. Then came the self examination and after that realisation. Like you I dont feel numb but the world has lost its sparkle. My ideas of love have gone and the world seems a little duller.

[Sadly]

Thanks PD, that means a lot and your day will come trust me on that because we all deserve it.  X
Nextinline
I do believe you are right, it's like there was a huge stop sign smack bang in front of me. And, oh yes life, watch out cos here I come   X
Enlightenme
I am so sorry, I feel alive, life hasn't lost its sparkle, admittedly it isn't as bright as it could be, this is serious trauma that we go through and I confess I am nowhere ready to love a man again, don't want to and not sure I would trust my judgement but right now I love me, my family my friends and my little cat. I have a tomorrow as well as a yesterday and that feels so good. Much love and I hope your sparkle returns.   x

[enlighten me]

Thanks sadly but im all good. I also love my life I have now. The difference for me though is its like ive grown up and that child like wonder the world held has gone. Im not saying its a bad thing for me just different.

Ive not been as chilled out as I am now since before meeting my first uBPD ex.

[Sadly]

Am so pleased   . I'm probably 100's of years older than you so my childlike wonder went ages ago, actually probs when I discovered Father Christmas wasn't real, no such thing as a tooth fairy etc, but here we are, thankful and happy to be out of the darkness, Tis bright enough for me my friend   xx

[enlighten me]

What do you mean theres no santa 

The last vestiges of my child like wonder have now gone.

[Sadly]

Oh poo, sorry  only joking, he brought me a brand new Masda MX5 last Christmas and it must have been him cos I don't know anyone else who could afford to buy me one.   

[C.Stein]

Oh poo, sorry  only joking, he brought me a brand new Masda MX5 last Christmas and it must have been him cos I don't know anyone else who could afford to buy me one.   

Sweet ... .I could use a new truck.   

[Sadly]

Well, the thing to remember is when you write your note to him to send up the chimney, go open the door first so the draught sends it up.  My brothers never understood why mine sailed up and theirs burnt    xx