I can't love someone...

[hollow]

I can't love someone

who said one thing and did the opposite,
who was secretive and misleading,
who doesn't show me mutual respect,
who abused my love, kindness, help and care,
who only loved me when in a good mood,
who wanted unconditional love yet wouldn't reciprocate,
whose idea of unconditional love meant room for abuse,
who thought that the rules in the relationship only applied to me,
who made me feel like I was babysitting,
who broke almost every promise made,
who gave so much and when I reciprocated, took everything away piece by piece,
who bases reality on feelings and moods,
who was never there when needed,
who never took responsibility and accused me of things she was doing,
who was consistently confusing and ambiguous,
who made me question my sanity,
who made me suspicious and mistrustful,
who wasn't willing to work on or improve the relationship,
whose response to constructive criticism was anger,
who had me walking on eggshells,
who abandoned me many times,
who gave me the impression of an ally yet ended up being an enemy,
who gave me more reasons to leave than to stay,
who brought out the worst in me.

I can't love you because you were never real. My pain wasn't because I lost you. My pain was because I was fooled into loving an imaginary person. I was a gullible fool.

No matter how many positive things I've learned from this experience, the thing that overshadows everything is my loss of faith in a valid connection with a new lover. I have my friends for real connections, cultivated over many years, the result of which means we can be ourselves when around each other. Building something substantial now with a new lover would be an extremely slow process, full of bumps in the road.

I don't care if she's subclinical BPD, BPD or whatever name therapists want to label it. I can't blame her for who she is, but I blame myself for holding on to hope when evidence against what I thought we had was overwhelmingly negative. I blame myself for sticking around and for saying "next time this happens" every time. I blame myself for being committed to my stubbornness to change what I saw could not change no matter which approach I had tried. I blame myself for being the "bigger person" when she'd cross the line. I blame myself for going against many of my principles. I let myself down.

I don't see a point being on these boards anymore, no matter how helpful they are (however, my gratitude is immense). Going through threads and having to dig through my memories only disappoints me in myself for staying longer than I should. Her behavior towards me was inexcusable, and I should have gone much sooner than I eventually did. I don't want to show understanding to her condition because I don't have to.

I tripped. I fell. I am picking myself up.

In hope this is my last post on the boards, thank you and good luck to everyone. I wish you all the best.

P.S. for the ones who are or have been in the Romantic Partner category: you don't owe anyone anything. Free yourself.

[Oncebitten]

Powerful words.

I hope that this was as cathartic for you to write as it was for me to read.  I recognize every single one of those sentiments.  I know how you feel because it is my reality.  I hope that you continue on your road to recovery and wish you nothing but the best. This post is beyond helpful for me personally and I want to thank you for sharing.

[heartandwhole]

Hi hollow,

I can relate to the hurt and anger and self-blame in this post, and I understand your wanting to get away from the topic of BPD and recovering from the breakup, etc. Sometimes digging deep gets to be too much. Sometimes we feel like we're done, or we need a break and a fresh perspective. I've been there. 

You have to take care of yourself first. I hope in the future, if you feel differently, you'll come back to share what you have learned.  A great thing about this community is that no matter if we're struggling or triumphing, our sharing helps others.

heartandwhole

[Sadly]

Hi Hollow
Hope you stay long enough to read your replies. I could have written what you did word for word. I thought I couldn't forgive myself for what I termed " The weakness of being me" but I can and I do" I have broken the spell. You sound like a loving caring giving person who tried everything in the face of adversity, that's not weak that's strong, there is nothing to forgive yourself for.    xx

[Confusedpe]

This is the one of the best things I have read
Bravo! It amazes me it's almost like I wrote that myself! Or should I say it was personally written for me!

Thank u