wife with Symptoms of BPD

[BPDS]

Hi All,

I think My wife shows the symptoms of BPD. I am not sure about this but needs advice on all the below traits shown by her.
Let me tell you the brief introduction of me and my wife.

I worked in a private company . and in a metro city along with my wife. she is also doing the job in the same city.
I have married with her on 15th Dec 2014.

Since the time she is showing lots of abnormal behavioural issues , which I though are the normal issues between any couple .
I was completely unaware of Borderline personality disorder and trying to make sense of her behaviour , and many times found myself cursing and held responsible for whatever situation she has put me in. I held myself responsible for whatever misery that is taking place in our life and went in a state of self analysis and correcting the things unnecessarily.
I have done lots of things , as per her complains and found the situation is getting worst day by day. And finally recognised that correcting anything is just useless and which is not at all contributing any goodness in the situation.

During this time  I have so frustrated to this relationship and many times thought to to end this .
Also in a recent time out of the frustration , when I started to google the issues , I was taken to lots of links and information regarding BPD.
And at last found almost all the symptoms  shown by her  are matching with BPD.

As I want more help in this regard to know more about this disorder and seek some help for her.

I will brief the personality traits she is showing :

1. Intense Anger , rage, hatred:

When I married to her she shown that I was the only person who she loves a lot and fought with her family to marry me. After that , in our day to day activities with the issues that one can simply ignore she was not able to deal with and started frustating me that I Don't love her , or dont show any attachments towards her and finally she don't want to continue with the person like me.
This kind of discussion was very frequent followed by intense anger , shouting, shivering and crying , also abusing me.
I was almost helpless in this situation and was always trying to figure out whats wrong happened now.

2.Impulsive in behaviour
In the morning she fight with me that she wants to quit this relationship and just after 2 hours she says talk to me and will go for shopping.
In these situations always after the episodes of her intense emotions I found myself broker and still recovering with the attack and going in the state of self hurt .
I was taking time to recover from these attacks and she starts complaining with this even.
I was astonished with such impulsive behaviour she is showing and putting me clueless.

3. Blaming and complaining
She always blames for whatever wrong happens at her workplace or at home and helds me responsible for these things , In which most of the cases I was not even related to.

4. Quarrels , Fights , insults with highest intensity

She is over-sensitive to criticism and almost fight for any small thing even a kid has said to her which she thinks that against her.
Also any suggestion for improvement or saying no to her irrespective of the situation she will not take this easily and , suddenly gets angry on the person ,insult him ,shout and create a scene.

5. Fear of abandonment:
She always fantasize the situation where I am leaving her and going with some other girl. Also complains me that I have the affair with almost  2-3 .
From that time almost hesitantly I talked to any other girl.
I tried to tell the truth but I found her not in the state of hearing anything when she is showing these emotions. she makes Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

6. Inability to make decisions, even everyday decisions like what to wear, without the advice and reassurance of others.

7. Avoidance of adult responsibilities by acting passive and helpless; dependence on a spouse or friend to make decisions like where to work and live.

8. Emotional blackmail – Attempting to control someone’s behaviours by using threats and punishments.
    She always tells me that she will commit suicide if I don,t stop ignoring her. Also she is attention seeker , the moment she feels that no one is paying the attention or no one is caring her . she will start complaining and blaming for that intensively.

9. Placing the needs of their caregivers above their own
    she always wants me care her like kid and even if I am not  well.

10.Irrelevant outburst.
Irrespective of any situation she will outburst at any time and this will again followed by the emotional episodes of intense anger and hatred towards me.
even if wants to control the anger but she can not do so.

11. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
12.Catastrophizing - she always assumes worst case scenario in most of the conditions and victimize herself.
13. She Emphasizes everyone showing appreciation and word of praise , and considering her in the conditions which are almost irrelevant to her.
14. She doesn't want me to even meet my parents , friends and siblings.

Above are some highlights of her behaviour , I don't know whether they exactly  match THE BPD.
Also needs a suggestion that Do I need to see a doctor ?

Previously I have posted this on a wrong thread.
correcting the thread here. As I dont want to end this relationship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi BPDS and

it sounds like this relationship has been really tough on you, and profoundly confusing. i can imagine youre at your wits end, and im glad you found us and took the step of reaching out for support. youre in the good company of members who can relate to your story, and this site is full of resources, skills and tools (a good place to start is with the lessons directly to the right ----->, that can help support you in your marriage.

yes, i would very much encourage you to see a therapist for yourself in addition to posting and reading here. it is critical to take good care of yourself, and if you are suffering from depression and/or anxiety, seeing a doctor may be a good idea as well.

in the meantime please let us know how we can best support you. what are some of the most pressing matters, currently, that you are looking to get a handle on or explanation for? we are here to help so please keep posting

[BPDS]

Thanks a lot for your help.
I think i should go through the material and tools , lessons available in site first and later think of the other actions to be taken.
Also she won't agree to see the therapist at the first place.

Meanwhile I need to work on some of the phobias of mine.
when she starts fighting  and shouting showing the intense anger , My heart beats really very fast and I felt myself very uneasy and non comfortable also it results in shivering of hands and legs.After that show I am completely exhausted .

Also It happens in office arguments or many such situations . I can not really face the confrontation and wanted to avoid this situation . which is in and all pushing me back in many fronts of life.

Can anyone suggest me how to take myself out of such situations and not at all affecting my mental and physical health.?
These things are now become a routine and I feel continuous stress. Also It is affecting my overall health and results in weak metabolism and constant abdominal complains . which is also not allowing me to gain weight and personality.
I need to deal with these matters calmly and patiently . without loosing the balance and temper and affecting myself in this situation.
Most of the stress is developed unknowingly. and I don't have any control over this. It seems to be the part of behaviour.

I need the techniques to deal with this situation and avoid the impact of this on my health and life.
Also can someone point me to the exact material on this site , As I am new to this .

Thanks in advance.

[once removed]

I think i should go through the material and tools , lessons available in site first and later think of the other actions to be taken.

all of the resources are on the right side of the page. you can start with Lesson 1 by clicking here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923

each lesson contains tools, perspectives, information about BPD, and really breaks it all down.

Also she won't agree to see the therapist at the first place.

thats unfortunately a common complaint from members here. obviously we cant force anyone into therapy, but it would be a good idea to see one on your own, for support. it is also possible (no guarantee) that she will eventually follow your lead and seek one out for herself.

when she starts fighting  and shouting showing the intense anger , My heart beats really very fast and I felt myself very uneasy and non comfortable also it results in shivering of hands and legs.After that show I am completely exhausted .

i can really relate. the stress, anxiety, and adrenaline can get to a point where its as if you live on them and are on a hair trigger. this can take a major toll on your body, your emotions, and your decision making process. this may not go away over night, but as you learn to try new approaches, like setting boundaries and taking a time out, you will likely find yourself less effected by your wifes emotions, and how you respond (or dont respond) will become more productive. Lesson 1 covers many of these approaches to conflict, like taking a time out.

i do offer a word of caution. not every tool and approach will yield immediate benefits, it is important to manage expectations and keep them realistic. sometimes when members change their approach, things can get worse before they get better. this is called an extinction burst, which you can read about here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I need the techniques to deal with this situation and avoid the impact of this on my health and life.

in addition to learning the skills and tools, it is vital to have a strong support system, and take good care of yourself. do you have friends and family that you are able to discuss these matters with? what do you do to practice self care?

[ArleighBurke]

Learning to relax when she is raging will take a LOT of time. But it can be done.

Some things that may help:
- remove yourself! Allow yourself to leave. Say *I* statements "I need a break - I'll come back in 20 minutes". "I'm feeling overwhelmed". Don't blame her at all. She'll react badly to you trying to leave the conversation - but do it anyway.
- Remember that it's 99% about HER. Despite everything she is blaming you for - she is only raging because she is a little frightened girl in a lot of pain. See her words simply as an expression of her pain - and you can almost ignore their content
- Imagine yourself in a protective bubble - and let her words and anger go around you. Like driving a car in the rain. You are safe in the car - the raging wind outside can't affect you.

It will take time... .