Six weeks NC

[insideoutside]

Hi Guys

So I'm 6 weeks NC on my part (8 weeks NC on his).  Struggling today.  I went to my hometown this weekend to see family; drove past some of my old haunts etc. and I felt so homesick.  I thought about him quite a bit whilst I was there thinking he is literally like 20 minutes away from where I was staying but it could had been a million light years away for all it was worth.

I really miss him; I'm cross at myself for being so rude and hurtful to him in my last email to him; I'm annoyed I couldn't hold my feelings and emotions back after being discarded again, knowing he more than likely suffers from BPD.

I'm in a strange place at the moment; I'm not happy, I'm quite down lately and the dark nights drawing in definitely are not helping.  I feel stuck and silently wishing he would make contact with me, despite me still having his number blocked.

I still come to the forum every single day to read everybody's updates and it helps somewhat knowing that our PWBPD's are so similar and that its not 'me' but I also feel sad for everybody else going through it and us all being in a perpetual state of hurt and confusion.

[insideoutside]

Ignore

[Sadly]

Ah, sorry Izzy, I know how hard it is, I think you are doing amazingly well, 6 weeks is more than I ever managed.
I also struggled with places we both went to, music we listened to, even food we ate together, it's so very thought and emotion provoking and hard. Of course you miss him, that's normal too, but try thinking on the things you don't miss, the bad stressful hurtful bits. I don't mean dwell on them, try and balance a good with a bad, just to remind yourself. Write it all down, that helped me loads. Please don't be cross with yourself, I was and learned it didn't help, you are human, you loved and you went back. I would probs get in the Guiness Book of Records the times I went back. It all takes time, you stay strong, don't break your NC, if you can manage 6 weeks you can manage 7 or even 6 weeks and 1 day. Big hugs  x

[steelwork]

Hey Izzy,

It gets easier. The benefits start coming. The memories get fuzzier and lose their power over you. Soon you will find the thought of being in touch with him more painful than the thought of not being in touch.

steelwork

[insideoutside]

Thanks Sadly and Steelwork

Problem is we never really fell out or argued in the past so I don't have any bad memories as such.  He used to say some odd things at times or embellish the truth which he thought I never knew about but overall he was quite a laid back funny guy who I miss very much.

I will never break no contact again; he made it clear he wanted no further contact with me as he didn't like me caring or worrying about him.  Seriously who cuts off someone and wants no further contact with them when all they done was care
about them; I can even blame engulfment as I was careful not to engulf him.  It just baffles me and seems surreal at times.

[Sadly]

You caring about him is engulfment to him, so how can you have a relationship without caring about someone, you can't. You didn't do anything wrong love, they just want the impossible. There are also different levels of BPD, some are a lot worse than others. Read lots here, it helps you to understand and be less baffled.   x

[Savannahcat]

You can do this.  It gets easier and your life gets better.  When you are out of the FOG you can build a great life. 

[steelwork]

Problem is we never really fell out or argued in the past so I don't have any bad memories as such.  

When I said that, I meant good memories as well as bad. All those memories. For me, a big issue was that I had such bizarrely lucid recall of everything, and details of things that happened, expressions on his face, the tone of his voice, his smell--everything--were so real that it was hard to deal with; it was like having his ghost next to me everywhere I went. Maybe that's not an issue for you. In any case, he will fade.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm cross at myself for being so rude and hurtful to him in my last email to him; I'm annoyed I couldn't hold my feelings and emotions back after being discarded again, knowing he more than likely suffers from BPD.

Hey Izzy, Don't beat yourself up!  Instead of being cross with yourself, perhaps you could treat yourself with care and compassion?  Sounds like you've been through the wringer, so give yourself a break, is my suggestion.

LuckyJim