I feel like we need to separate but dont know how to do it

[foodlover]

At this point I feel like I have tried everything. Her abuse has gotten intolerable. The constant allegations and picking fights and name calling and character assassinations are just killing me. I have tried everything I can think of and nothing seems to really help things.

I've tried showing her understanding and love in hopes she would respond back with love but she uses my kindness as weakness and acts bigger, stronger and tries to emotionally beat me down.

I tried to be strong and set boundaries and she either uses my boundaries against me or plays a weak little victim telling everyone how bad I am for standing up to her. If I say I wont sit here and take you telling me Im a lousy piece of sh%& then she says ok Im just telling you the truth and if you wont listen to me I need to set a boundary too and therefore begins the punishing treatment.

She is full of promises she cant keep. She promises to not start fights, not accuse me of cheating, not try and control me, not give me the silent treatment, not say mean things. It never stops. Now it continues and she twists everything like I don't know what I am talking about. She started getting really upset that I had to go to a meeting even though I already told her 2 days before and she says that I am the one who got angry when she was just "surprised" I had a meeting. I didn't get angry. She kept saying I never told her over and over again and said I could be sneaking around on her. What am I supposed to feel? If she doesn't talk to me for a day she says its not giving me the silent treatment. She just feels sad. Even if I try to talk to her and she acts like I didn't say anything and walks right by she now says its not the silent treatment. Now when she calls me a disgusting pig its not saying mean things, she is just telling me how she feels and somehow its ok.

I've tried validating her feelings but she often puts a huge wall up and just attacks making it impossible to stay sane. Can you honestly try to validate someone's feelings when they are saying how they wish they had someone better, someone better than you and how unhappy you make them? Even when I try to validate by saying I understand how you can feel that way she turns it and says Yes your just not man enough.

Im not desperate. I am not a weak man. I am constantly told by women what a catch I am and how lucky my GF is to have me. I am constantly told how talented I am and people look up to me for advice and help. She uses all this against me to beat down my self esteem. She says that I must think Im such hot stuff but I am nothing. I am absolutely nothing so I have nothing to be proud of. She tells me all the women I dated in the past that were in love with me didn't love me. She says they were just using me.

Im honestly throwing my hands up. Ive hit a point I cant take anymore. Ive tried and tried. Ive told her several times I am done but somehow she always manipulates me or guilts me back into the relationship.

Why would someone have so much hate for their partner and at the same time not let them go. She shows no remorse.

When I have tried to end things she turns it on me. She tells me how Im just so crappy and she doesn't want this relationship and never did and she deserves better. So I say ok then lets just end things. She will go on and on for hours in the house about how terrible I am but at the end of the night just try and hug and kiss me while I am pushing her to get off. Eventually I crack when she says things like "we need each other" and things like that. I can keep pushing and keep telling her to leave me alone but she just doesn't accept it. She sticks around. If I am really strong and stick to it for a day or two she starts being sweet and buying things I want and acting super affectionate and adding tons of sex.

Ill be the first to admit that I become weak with all the good things she does but as soon as I feel good and comfortable the abusive behavior starts right back again. This has gone through so many cycles just like this.

I need her gone and out. I don't know how to do this. My weakness is I cant stay mad. I am so forgiving, so understanding, so unwilling to give up. She knows this and I can tell when she says things like "I know you would give up on us" or "if you really wanted us to work you would try harder".

I feel stuck. Completely helpless and stuck and cannot get out.

[BowlOfPetunias]

She will go on and on for hours in the house about how terrible I am but at the end of the night just try and hug and kiss me while I am pushing her to get off.

Back in college (over 20 years ago) I went over my first BPD girlfriend's place to break up.  The situation had gotten way too out of control and she was taking increasing steps to isolate me and prevent me from doing the things that were really important to me.

She was apparently anticipating the break up.  When I got there, she was wearing only a short kimono.  She threatened suicide.  When that did not work, she tried "Please let's make love one last time" and began licking my ears--something she knew was one of my weaknesses.

It was hard, but fortunately I had the determination to NOT have sex "one last time."  Partially, this was because I knew that "one last time" would end up getting back together--she would guilt trip me that I had somehow taken advantage of her when she was vulnerable and therefore needed to take responsibility and resume my role as her enabler. 

But there was another important part, and you may have something similar to draw on.  While some aspects of the sex were incredible, she frequently picked fights in the middle of sex.  The thought of having her explode at me during sex once again was enough to convince me I did not want to give in.  (The two items are related of course.  There was a good chance that she would interrupt the "one last time" with a guilt trip fight that was designed to make me stay.)

Also keep in mind that sex under coercion ("make love or I will hurt/kill myself" or just continuing to pressure you until you give in as you describe) is RAPE, no matter the genders involved.

[foodlover]

She has never picked a fight DURING sex but often starts immediately after. Usually its after a really good time with her starting it and at the end she rolls over, sighs heavily and gets silent. If I ask what is bothering her she just lets it all out ranting about something that happened a month ago and blaming me for something I did after she started a fight. This is what happened recently. She was really loving and had sex with me. Then when we were done she got cold and started talking about how we had a fight one night and I left the house. She just wouldn't stop saying how she worries I had sex with another woman. Keep in mind she started that fight randomly and I left because she kept calling me names. I needed to set a boundary and remove myself. Now she uses that against me saying I could have been angry and had sex with another woman. No matter what I do the result is always the same. If I tell her I didn't do that or if I say nothing I always just get blamed for making her worry about that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, foodlover, Why do you stay?  Presumably you get something out of it, besides sex.  Sure, she's an expert at manipulation, but it's your decision whether to stay or go, right?  What keeps you hangin' on?  Tough questions, I know.

LuckyJim

[GIStock]

I had very similar scenario as you. I tried to stay even when I wanted out because of her push pull behavior. She kept tabs on every time I tried to abandon her and "emotionally abuse" her when she pokes on that boundary of yours. I would stay with her because I just felt really bad for her and thought she truly loved me. Now I think back, she only kept me around so she could look for a new host.


And she did, and then when we broke up, denied any emotions with the other guy while pointed fingers at me, guilt tripped me, blamed me, triangulated me, smear campaigned me. My world was upside down for a few weeks after that until I realized all she said was just her own projections. I did not know that she was so bitter about everything, even issues from over 4 years ago. I thought we were over that. Everything I did for her (drove 1.5 hours to see every weekend for a year), was to her, for bad intentions and ulterior motives. She just could not appreciate the things I have done for her and would exacerbate the mistakes that I have made.

My advice is, take control of your life while you still have your boundaries, self-worth, career intact. Cause when opportunity arise, she might while taking all those things with you