She says my boundaries are abusive

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She has started saying now that I am the abusive partner. Why? Because I stand up for myself. Lately when she has been telling me how I was wrong for not telling her I had a meeting (even though I did tell her) or when she gets upset that I did not answer her call while I was at work I have been keeping my boundary and telling her I cant talk to her or be around her when she is attacking me for just living my life. She takes that and tells me that I am being abusive. She says I am not listening to her feelings which is abuse. I am not considering how she feels and I am trying to control her by not allowing her to express herself which is abuse. We argued back and forth about who is being abused here but it goes nowhere. So. What is this? It just feels like more manipulation to me. I don't want to be hard headed but I think I am doing the right thing by not allowing her to demonize me because I am trying to live a normal and healthy life. If she thinks im terrible by not answering a call during work I shouldn't just accept that right?

Is this just a tactic or am I being unreasonable?

I don't understand. Why does she feel like she NEEDS to demonize or put me down. Why does she feel like its her right to try to lower me? Why does she feel like its ok to call me names? There was a time I thought I would just show her how it feels and do the same thing. I would bring up all of her flaws and call her names for mistakes but it just bounces off. She says things like "well whatever you think" or "find someone better".

[foodlover]

She has started saying now that I am the abusive partner. Why? Because I stand up for myself. Lately when she has been telling me how I was wrong for not telling her I had a meeting (even though I did tell her) or when she gets upset that I did not answer her call while I was at work I have been keeping my boundary and telling her I cant talk to her or be around her when she is attacking me for just living my life. She takes that and tells me that I am being abusive. She says I am not listening to her feelings which is abuse. I am not considering how she feels and I am trying to control her by not allowing her to express herself which is abuse. We argued back and forth about who is being abused here but it goes nowhere. So. What is this? It just feels like more manipulation to me. I don't want to be hard headed but I think I am doing the right thing by not allowing her to demonize me because I am trying to live a normal and healthy life. If she thinks im terrible by not answering a call during work I shouldn't just accept that right?

Is this just a tactic or am I being unreasonable?

I don't understand. Why does she feel like she NEEDS to demonize or put me down. Why does she feel like its her right to try to lower me? Why does she feel like its ok to call me names? There was a time I thought I would just show her how it feels and do the same thing. I would bring up all of her flaws and call her names for mistakes but it just bounces off. She says things like "well whatever you think" or "find someone better".

[Circle]

They are emotionally disabled. Sucks, but it's true. So, you have to handle them with kid gloves. Which is a pain, no doubt; and goes against our sense of fairness. If you want to try to make it work, though, that's what you have to do. It entails doing the steps to the right >. It entails listening and validating; even when what they say doesn't make much sense; which is often. It involves not arguing with them, simply because it doesn't work and makes things worse. Try not to j.a.d.e. Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain yourself.  You can always leave too. No one on the site would blame you. Some people have the finesse to make it work though. Even, if it works, my understanding is that it takes a heavy toll on the non; it did with me, for a few years. I think it heavily taxes people who are in really long term relationships with them, especially. Keep posting. Keep reading posts and replying to them. It doesn't take long to figure the patterns out. It just takes a lot of work to make it work.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey foodlover, Boundaries aren't abusive.  They don't hurt the other person; they protect you.  You might want to read up on boundaries in the Tools.  Suggest you continue to stand up for yourself!

LuckyJim

[GIStock]

I honestly could say the same about my past relationship. I had boundaries because we had our first recycle. When she can't get something she wants she would be inconsolable. At first, I would comfort her and tell her logical reasons like adults. However, it was not enough she kept pushing the boundaries saying I dont love her and care for her and eventually turned from crying to raging.

She would rage at me for studying for 4 hours straight "right beside her" while I had an exam the next day. I would try to talk to her like an adult saying hey babe, I have exam tomorrow and I cannot fail, etc. She just kept on raging because she does not have the ability to put herself in my shoes. Eventually after 3 hours of raging, I was just too stressed so I started raging. Then she would say I was emotionally abusive because I was being loud and angry while I was just defending myself and having integrity on my boundary.

If there is something I learned, you need to be hard shell for her and not let her push your boundary, cause otherwise I would have failed grad school. Although my relationship ended, I did not regret for acting certain way because otherwise I would not have obtained my medical degree and secured a good job right now.


I would rather have failed a relationship with my boundaries intact RATHER than failed a relationship alongs with my boundaries broken and career ruined. They will keep tickling and pushing that boundary to see how much you can offer

[formflier]

We argued back and forth about who is being abused here but it goes nowhere. 

This was likely the goal.  Although I don't want you to think it was a well thought out goal or even one she could express.

Emotional handicap is a good way to describe it.  Very likely in her past she started to associate "arguing" with someone being emotional or connected to her.

So, when she gets weird feelings now, she "goes with what she knows" and looks for an argument about whatever.  "Abuse" just happened to be what was hooking you and getting you to stay engaged... .so she went with it.

Very important that to take a step back and see the big picture.

She is attempting to "hook" you in to a conversation that goes nowhere.  Don't get hooked.  You  don't have to convince her.  Just avoid the hook... the bait... .whatever analogy works.

One way to avoid is to validate and the pivot to a solution.  Letting her solve her things.

"I can understand how you feel that way.  What do you plan to do about it?"  Key to keep voice even and not get "worked up".

sometimes it is good to be interested but too busy to deal with it now.  Especially if she tends to ramp up and down quickly.

"Hey... .this sounds really important to you.  That makes it important to me.  I'm available to talk more about this in an hour.  I want to be able to give you my full attention."

You'll have to play around with what works best.

Remember:  Don't get hooked.

FF

[akanobody]

My BPD husband says the same thing.  Years if therapy and he tells me the rules and boundaries we agreed upon during therapy are de-masculating.  Such as 1) allowed 1 personal email address that I gave access too.
He has since gotten 2.  2) no internet access when I'm not around and can see what he is doing.  He goes on-line while at work anyway.  And 3) no talking about personal issues at work.
He continues to do this.
Bpd's don't care about boundaries.

[formflier]

My BPD husband says the same thing.  Years if therapy and he tells me the rules and boundaries we agreed upon during therapy are de-masculating.  Such as 1) allowed 1 personal email address that I gave access too.
He has since gotten 2.  2) no internet access when I'm not around and can see what he is doing.  He goes on-line while at work anyway.  And 3) no talking about personal issues at work.
He continues to do this.
Bpd's don't care about boundaries.

Hey... .I'm seeing all of the things you listed as "rules" that he apparently has agreed to. 

I'm sure there is a story that outlines how you got to this point in your r/s.



I'm glad you found us and I look forward to getting to know you.

FF

[foodlover]

My BPD husband says the same thing.  Years if therapy and he tells me the rules and boundaries we agreed upon during therapy are de-masculating.  Such as 1) allowed 1 personal email address that I gave access too.
He has since gotten 2.  2) no internet access when I'm not around and can see what he is doing.  He goes on-line while at work anyway.  And 3) no talking about personal issues at work.
He continues to do this.
Bpd's don't care about boundaries.

Sounds like he must have done something to lose a lot of your trust. I agree these rules are pretty demasculating unless of course he had an affair. In that case these rules make sense.

[empath]

Is this just a tactic or am I being unreasonable?

I'm going to guess that your issue is with the name calling and belittling rather than with her feelings. The way that she is expressing those feelings is the problem. Accusing you of the 'same things' is another emotionally manipulative tactic - your response makes you doubt yourself and your personal boundaries. It is reasonable to expect not to be called names and belittled in a conversation.

It is very common for people to push back against boundaries that are enforced, especially at first.

[foodlover]

Is this just a tactic or am I being unreasonable?

I'm going to guess that your issue is with the name calling and belittling rather than with her feelings. The way that she is expressing those feelings is the problem. Accusing you of the 'same things' is another emotionally manipulative tactic - your response makes you doubt yourself and your personal boundaries. It is reasonable to expect not to be called names and belittled in a conversation.

It is very common for people to push back against boundaries that are enforced, especially at first.

Yes,
My problem is with how she handles her feelings. We all have feelings. Most of us just know how to handle it better. There are times I hate her but I don't get in her face and tell her she is a disgusting, useless waste of time. Her motto is if its her feeling then she has the right to voice it. Its as if she thinks its her constitutional right to say whatever she feels like and I don't have any right to be upset about that. Its funny that I can just look tired and that causes her to get angry and rage at me but if I get upset about her calling me nasty names somehow I am taking away her basic human rights to voice her opinion.

[formflier]

My problem is with how she handles her feelings.

Gaze into FF's crystal ball.  Look into the future.

Eventually... .you will get to the point where this is her problem... .and not yours.

As you get more comfortable with boundaries.

Focus more on how you handle your feelings and be deliberate about being supportive and empathetic of her... .to a point.

That "point" will likely take some adjusting to get right.

Note:  You are only person with a vote in this process.  She gets to deal with her own feelings.

FF