Just Need to Get This Off My Chest

[PhysicsNerd]

I just found out last night that is is highly probable that my boyfriend of 2 years has BPD. It would explain a lot of our issues. We reached a breaking point the other night, this was the closest I ever got to leaving him before turning to the internet and found out more information about BPD. I talked to him about it and he said that a while back a doctor told him he had the beginning signs of this disorder. I just want to share with someone what happened the other night because I will not tell this to my family or friends.

I was sleeping and was awoken at 4:45am with my cell phone being tossed at my stomach. He said "you can spend the night but after that I never want to speak to you again" I was very confused and annoyed because there is nothing on my phone that should have been upsetting to him. He refused to tell me why he was mad. He didn't want to talk about it. I knew that if I would have went to sleep, the next day he would have forgotten the whole thing. Instead I decided to push him into telling me. I turned on the lamp and when he went to turn it back off I held his arms. The wooden bed frame ended up breaking down the middle and the bed collapsed. This really infuriated him, he insisted I leave. I refused until he told me why he was mad. The situation escalated into him trying to pull me out of the apartment. I stayed firm sitting on the rocking chair screaming "don't touch me!" He then pushed my head very hard into the back of the chair. He grabbed me by my hair and pushed me into the cabinet. He threatened to throw my phone off the the terrace if I didn't leave. I collected my stuff in my bag, cried, left the room to sit on the couch. Came back in and he coaxed me into bed while he held me and told me he loves me and stroked my hair while I cried. The next morning he woke me up yelling and calling me names because his bed is broken. I left and went home. He called me 10 minutes after I left telling me he wants me to come back over asking me to call out of work. He texted me all day while I was at work. Telling me he is sorry and wants to fix the relationship.

Though there is no excuse to ever put his hands on me, I believe the situation could have been avoided if I had not pushed him. He is like a completely different person when he is angry. I guess I am still trying to figure out a way to deal with his extreme emotions. This person is my family and I am not giving up on him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi PhysicsNerd,

Welcome and hello 

It does sound like he struggles to regulate his emotions. There are skills to help deal with emotional arousal and this is a great place to work through those skills. It also sounds like you have the ability to look at your own actions -- this can be hard for some people to do.

One skill that can escalate things is what people here refer to as JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). When someone with BPD is in an emotional dysregulation, JADE-ing tends to escalate those feelings further. It's a natural defense mechanism to defend ourselves when accused. Many of us have had to learn ninja skills to communicate in ways that de-escalate situations.

The lessons to the right (lesson 3) has helpful material on validation and SET statements (support, empathy, truth) that can help.

Are you staying with your BF at the moment? Or taking some time to regroup?

LnL

[PhysicsNerd]

We are still together. He is embarrassed by his behavior and promised me that once he gets insurance he is going to seek help. In the mean time I am trying to soak in as much information about how to handle his emotional reactions. I think this board will help because I can speak openly to people that will understand and not judge so much.

[livednlearned]

I remember reading that people with BPD feel bad, then feel bad about feeling bad, a never-ending loop.

It's why so much is written here about taking care of yourself -- it not only helps you, it also helps him stabilize knowing that you can and will protect yourself during escalations so that he sees you are taking care of yourself when he cannot.

If it were to happen again, what actions do you think you would take?