The calming storm...

[NewStart]

Well I've been going through a fairly protracted (6 months to a year) escalating devaluation period that culminated in almost NC with my uBPD/NPDw and on Tuesday she agreed to come with me to my T.  On a pre-note, I would say that the most frustrating thing is that this woman is so attractive, so charming and so metered with how she dishes it out that no one is certain they see the BPD/NPD, not even my T.  However, we did put a lot out on the table during our session and it has broken down the NC barrier, we're maybe not there 100%, but I'm really looking at and trying to use the tools here to really see if I can work towards a workable/enjoyable life again with my wife and our wonderful family. 

First, from the tools here the way I have communicated and reacted have been wrong and have played into the dance between my wife and I so I am really going to be hyper focused at improving that. 

Second, and selfishly most important to me, I am taking back my strength by setting some healthy boundaries and working to re-establish lost friendships and activities.  Before I met my wife I had a robust group of friends and was extremely active.  I was an avid mountain biker, trail runner, skier etc. etc. doing activities several times a week and that was my physical and social outlet.  Now, I may get in one day a week and maybe slip in a second, but even those have not been the same.  When I do an activity now it is typically with imposed guilt and often with consequences after.  It's hard to enjoy things you are passionate about with a mental clock ticking in the background.  For me this piece is CRITICAL as I really have become vulnerable through isolation and physical decline and by regaining this I can get myself grounded and able to self-care again.

Finally, knowledge and support.  I will continue to go to my T, keep reading as much as I can about these disorders and keep coming here for moral support.

I know that none of this will change overnight and I don’t plan to stretch my boundaries so quickly that they create more problems that they solve, but I really am hoping that with a focus on improving the way I communicate and a metered progression of boundary setting and getting my feet and head back under me will help to right this slowly sinking ship.

Any thoughts, ideas or shared experiences are welcome.

Cheers,

NEWSTART

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hey NS,

I would agree that you need to find some "ground" again.  In order to give to another you have to have something to give.  You are running on empty now, not surprising given the nature of relationships with borderlines.  Understand there will never be an equitable give and take in a relationship with a borderline.  You will need to be able to give more than you will receive.

Understanding what is needed by her to make this relationship more stable is critical as well.  Have you checked out the tools in the right bar? ----->

[NewStart]

Hey C.Stein,

I appreciate the input and yes I have thought long and hard about how this relationship looks currently and how it will look in the future and have prepared myself for that road.  Even though I am prepared I also know that only getting there will answer the most important question, is this a space/life I can truly live in?  Frankly, I have some FOO issues of my own and going through this process has finally helped me see and confront these issues which in turn has helped me move my head to a better and more peaceful space.  Am I done working on myself, not by a long shot but right now I really believe I finally have a good road map for healing. 

I fully realize that in order to maintain this relationship long term I will have to be able to live with the inequity of give and take, but I know now that I can give to myself in a way that I haven't ever been able to before in my life, and that gives me hope that I can make this work.

Here's to the road ahead and YES I have been relying quite heavily on the tools available here, thank you bpdfamily!

Cheers,

NS

[C.Stein]

Am I done working on myself, not by a long shot but right now I really believe I finally have a good road map for healing.

Excellent!  Having a road map is essential because it can be so easy to lose sight of yourself in these types of relationships.  I also want to commend you for understanding that we ourselves are a project that never ends.  There is always room for growth regardless of where you are in your life.