what should i do or should i worry

[rzr14]

Hi again, not sure if this is where I should post this. I already posted my crazy story with my exuBPD.       https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299807.0
It's been almost a month since the breakup, and in some aspect I have gotten better. But has I write this it's noon and already having a beer to help relax me. I started my business this year with her help, and now without her it's been hard to keep myself going. I been keeping myself busy, but trying not to work a full day because I can't keep myself focused on my work. It's been about 2 weeks since I heard her voice, which was on my 30th birthday. I sent her a text a week ago that I left her pants and 2 birthday cards on her porch. Never got a reply back but got a call and text messages from the npd bf(which has been a triangulation with the 3 of us for months) saying how nice the cards are and they are going in the trash. Since the 3 times I have reach out to her I been keeping nc for myself. And I haven't her say anything bad about me from friends or family(which I know she has said stuff to him just like she tells me about him). I have her blocked on fb and she has me blocked too. I have her only close friends and some family on fb still nothing has been said other then what I been told. This weekend is her 30th birthday and her d comes up after. I been telling myself I shouldn't contact her for my own good and my t said I shouldn't. My t knows the story and has had both us for therapy before, she thinks she will be back in force(but I don't know if this time is different) to get me back into her life. After are first final breakup years ago, I realize know she has been stalking me on fb and has showed up to events or when I been working over the years. So that is one of my concerns is she going to follow me threw life? But then again this might be the end for us and I won't get my closure from this. I would like to talk to her one last time but I know that's not going to happen right now. Then I worry if I don't tell her happy birthday at least what will happen? Don't know if I'm blocked on email or phone I been keeping myself from sending anything. This has helped just writing down my thoughts, any thoughts on this would be get thanks

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi rzr-

So that is one of my concerns is she going to follow me threw life?

Borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's abandonment, the worst thing that can happen, and what actually happened in the relationship is irrelevant, it's just a feeling, the core of the disorder.  I've known my ex for almost 30 years, and we were only in a relationship for about a year of that, and yet, she's still tried to contact me randomly over the years.  It's a great way to check in to see how your detachment is going though, by how much it affects you, and it's still early for you, so you can get good feedback on that detachment whenever she tries to contact you.  And of course everyone's different, so she may just stop on her own, for her own reasons.

But then again this might be the end for us and I won't get my closure from this. I would like to talk to her one last time but I know that's not going to happen right now. Then I worry if I don't tell her happy birthday at least what will happen?

What do you want to happen?  Most of us didn't get the closure we were looking for at the end of these relationships, which ends up being OK because we get to find ways to give it to ourselves, which can be more powerful.

[rzr14]

Thanks for the reply fromheeltoheal, I got my closure the first time around in my own way but I didn't know what was wrong at the time with her. So now knowing has opened old wounds from the past that make me second guess things. I guess I don't know what I want to happen, I'm back and forth in my head right now. Going from being angry at her to wanting to support her if she needs it.