Feeling trapped with uBPDm

[futurecatlady]

 

My brother-in-law, a psychologist, recommended Understanding the Borderline Mother a few years ago and it really helped me realize that I'm pretty sure my mom has uBPD. I just moved out for college a few years ago so I'm really new at setting up boundaries. Usually I'm okay with dealing with it (with therapy and supportive family members) but the last few weeks have just been too much.

First, I hear from my brother that my mom was in the process of having open heart surgery that she had tried to keep from me. Not, you know, because she didn't want to worry me. No, that would be too reasonable. She didn't tell me because she was convinced I was going to go through her house while she was away and steal all her stuff. I immediately went down to visit her in the hospital, and she was okay for like a day and a half, happy to see me and be taken care of. But then on her last day she decided the nurses and I had conspired to force her to stay in the hospital longer than she wanted to stay, and began on her usual rant of how I've "ruined her life." She has this whole narrative going that is a constant presence in our relationship. I left, went back to school.

And then today, she calls me out of the blue. (some background: I'm applying right now to medical school). First she complains that I didn't call her back two days ago. And then she pivots, and tells me that she's called people at the American Medical Association to tell them how I'm a compulsive liar and unfit to be a doctor because I enjoy ruining people's lives. And then she sends me some vaguely threatening text messages about how I'm going to have to be prepared to withstand an investigation into my actions.

I'm just so done. I've tried so hard to love her. She's my mom, after all. She raised me by herself. But trying to ruin my career? (even though the way she's gone about it is so ridiculous it's almost laughable) She just seems to have reached a whole new level of off-the-wall. I wish I could cut contact, but I genuinely worry that she's becoming demented on top of BPD (she's 72), and I need her cooperation to complete tax forms once a year for financial aid (I'm otherwise financially independent). Is that selfish? I feel horrible that I just care not at all for her feelings anymore, and I don't really want to see her anymore. But she's also old and sick and what if she dies and I've abandoned her?

  I'm just so muddled right now. Any advice? Validation? Mild slaps in the face?

[sad but wiser]

Hello!  That sounds incredibly painful and frustrating! 
No, I do not think you are horrible to recognize that you must have your mother's cooperation to get your financial aid in order.  It is simply a fact.
None of our systems (court, education, etc) are set up to handle the chaos a BPD (or other cluster B) person creates.  I do not mean to identify a person with BPD as their dysfunction, so please excuse my wording.  These systems assume cooporation and reasonableness from everyone involved.
  As for her ruining your career, I doubt she even knows how to begin to carry this out.  Mostly, these grandiose schemes are too far-fetched to be actionable.  You might also let her know that is defamation of character and slander... .illegal offenses.
  Read "The Summer of My German Soldier" if you get a chance.  The line about paying full price for an irregular item is priceless.
   Good luck to you!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi  futurecatlady:  

I'd like to give you a big hug    I'm so sorry about your mother's behavior.  That has to load a lot of extra stress onto you.  Are the threats and the fear that family members might steal from her typical behavior for her, or is it something new on the list of bad behaviors?  

Has your mom ever received therapy or had meds for any mental illness (depression, anxiety, etc)?  :)oes she treat your brother the same way she treats you?  

The links below will take you to some information on strategies that can help.  The BIFF response can be helpful with high conflict people.  SET communication and WISE MIND can be helpful as well.

BIFF RESPONSE

SET

WISE MIND

VALIDATION

www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Why-Do-Narcissists-and-Borderlines-Lie-So-Much-24

[Turkish]

"Mild slaps in the face, " . 

I'm glad you seem to be aware of the ridiculousness of the situation in the feces face of the seriousness. 

My mother is currently acting out by BPD in combination with possible dementia.  I had the cops called on me this week,  all sorts of accusations being made. 

I see you're in a tough spot given the financial issues with respect to your schooling.  Exploring the links that Naughty Nibbler posted are a good start in adjusting communication style. 

Dealing with possibly letting go a parent is harder,  in my mind,  than working out the logistical issues of what you may need at the moment vis-a-vis financial issues. I am also the child of a single mother,  and I have some guilt about possibly letting her go into the care of the state.

When you graduate from med school,  what are your thoughts on the long term care of your mother?  Ideally,  in times past, families would deal with this internally.

[Notwendy]

Welcome futurecatlady,


I encourage you to look at the lessons on this board and to focus on your application and future career.

Although I understand that it is hurtful to hear the things your mother said to you, they don't sound personal- she says similar things about the staff, and her fear that you would break in the home- she seems paranoid.

Surely she must have someone taking care of her after surgery and a doctor who is keeping a watch on her.

You are not responsible for her issues, but if you are involved at all in her care, you could mention this to the medical staff taking care of her. Although she has BPD- the stress of surgery and being in the hospital could have exacerbated her emotional disregulation.

I hope you will pursue your career without fear. I don't know if she is capable of acting out on her threats, or if she even means them. Sometimes my mother will say things to me that she doesn't remember saying.

I don't know what happens in the case where a parent is unwilling or unable to fill out financial aid forms. I think it would help you to ask your financial aid office at your college to see if they have any helpful information. You don't have to reveal all the details- simply say your mother had heart surgery and was acting confused afterwards, although she is expected to recover, please tell me what to do if she is unable to fill out the forms?

I don't know about your particular schools, but financial aid is more limited for some graduate programs than it is for undergraduate. You can ask what, if any, financial aid you might qualify for in graduate school to see what impact your mother's information might have.

[futurecatlady]

Thank you all for responding. It's comforting just to know that there are resources (thanks Nibbler) and similar lies (Notwendy, Turkish, sad but wiser). Turkish, your story about her calling the cops was especially poignant--my mom threatened to call the cops on me a couple times before and it was incredibly distressing. Needless to say, it's been a tough few days and my mom seems not to be actively aggressive at the moment. I've tried my best not to respond to her calls, texts, etc., and that seems to lead to less drama overall.

I think what I'm going to try to do is step back from the situation for a while. I have a much older brother who is in the same town as her and who has the most functional relationship with Mom out of the three of us. (I'm no. 2, which is saying something about our family ugh.) I'm not sure I can contribute anything positive to the situation, with Mom's health or mental state.

As for financial aid, I'm just going to table it for a while. I can't do anything about it right now and I very much need to focus on school. And, worst coming to worst, I'll have some more student loans. It might be worth it to be able to not have to slog through the emotional crises dealing with Mom and taxes would cause for the next 4-5 years. At least medical school graduates have practically guaranteed high-paying, stable jobs. 

[Turkish]

My mother kept harping on me to apply for financial aid.  I told her that they said they if she kept claiming me on her taxes as a dependent,  that I didn't qualify.  Her support of me was $100/mo to help pay rent on the 1 bedroom apartment I shared with another student.  I had previously lived 50 miles from the college.  Commuting the first two months was brutal, even with youth on my side  A couple of months,  she didn't have the money and put me in a bind.  I worked weekends and took another part time job at the college tutoring the learning disabled.  $1200/year certainly didn't qualify her to claim me.  This was around 1990. I scraped by,  especially in winter months when tips were low. Sometimes I had to borrow money from schoolmates to eat in certain weeks.  I realized that I was mostly on my own.  Though I struggled,  realizing that helped me both emotionally and also to plan my life.  It wasn't worth fighting her.

[Notwendy]

I mostly put myself through school. My father helped some, but only when/if BPD mother allowed it.

There is freedom in not being financially obligated to them as my mother would want control if money from them was attached to it.

One consolation- although it is difficult- is that financial aid for professional graduate programs tends to be limited. Loans seem to be the norm for graduate medical programs. Even with your mother cooperating, there may not be much financial aid available.