Wedding issues with BPD fiancee

[Cor123]

Hi all,

I could do with some guidance. My fiancee has BPD, we are getting married in May. I love her dearly, and she is on medication and deals with her illness commendably, but there are obviously problems. My sister has recently been slightly unsavoury, nothing too major but she had a go at me because I am not inviting her boyfriend to the wedding (I don't get on with him, and it's a small wedding), and she is not the friendliest person - nothing malicious, but she is rather miserable and doesn't make much of an effort.

Being a year apart in age, having grown up with her, I want my sister at my wedding. It's non-negotiable, it would destroy my family if I didn't. However, my fiancee has, I believe due to splitting, now decided that my sister is an awful person and is adamant that I should un-invite her. I don't know whether she will eventually see how unreasonable she is being, and I don't know how to fix the situation.

Any advice would be wonderful, I'm usually able to cope with such situations but this one is an exception.

Thanks.

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[livednlearned]

Hi Cor123,

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials 

Weddings are stressful, and figuring out who attends, who doesn't can be really tough, whether BPD or not.

When she says sister cannot attend, how do you respond? What do you say?

[Cor123]

Hi livednlearned, thanks for your response. This is my first post so I'm not even sure I'm replying to you correctly here!

Initially I tried to keep my responses to her very calm, I have learned over 4 years that the worst thing I can do is raise my voice or get emotional in return when she is angry. Obviously, that's very difficult on such an emotive subject, and when I say that I'd like to just take a few minutes to calm things down, that just leads to accusations that I am avoiding the issue/am not man enough to confront it.

I am actually speaking to her via text at the moment, I'm trying to defuse the situation by not replying with much (or when I do saying that it will be ok/we will resolve it/I will talk to her in person later), but that is just leading to angrier and angrier replies.

I'll give you a snippet of the most recent part of the conversation:

Her: "I'm not getting married with her there. Enough is enough. Don't piss me off, if you invite her you're letting yourself into an eternity of resentment and hell. I don't want this".

Me: "I have more faith in you than to believe you'd resent me forever for inviting my own sister to our wedding".

Her: "Well you're ruining our wedding".

Me: "If I don't invite her I'm ruining my family".

Her: "If my sister was a ___ and was rude to you, I wouldn't invite her. That's the first day of the rest of our lives, I would never want to be associated with someone like that".

I want to emphasise that all my sister did was say she was slightly aggrieved that I didn't invite her boyfriend, and be quite miserable/po-faced.

My fiancee is particularly bad at the moment, she has had a very tough time recently as she lost her Grandfather, and I do believe that she will see my point of view eventually, but riding this out is very difficult.

[livednlearned]

My fiancee is particularly bad at the moment, she has had a very tough time recently as she lost her Grandfather, and I do believe that she will see my point of view eventually, but riding this out is very difficult.

She may be in an emotional dysregulation. Her ability to problem-solve may be more compromised more than usual. Plus, weddings are stressful.

Have you tried using SET skills with her?

[Cor123]

Thank you very much for the advice, indeed her rationality does seem compromised. I did indeed try it earlier (possibly not effectively):

Me: "Look, I love you, I am marrying you and only you, this isn't about our families. I understand why you're angry, but the repercussions of not inviting my sister would be huge and appalling".

Her: ":)on't start with that. I'm not going to marry a man who doesn't put his own wife first at their own wedding. We are done, I will look at somewhere else to live".

I know full well that this is not what will actually happen; I'm sure she believes it now, but we've had similar conversations many times and we've never actually broken up. It's just alarming for me today because we haven't been like this really for about 2 years (since it was properly diagnosed and treated).

I have read a lot about how to deal with a loved one with BPD (a couple of excellent books); I think one issue may be that she read parts of the books too, and she can sometimes spot when I'm using a learned technique (which just annoys her as she sees it as me being fake).

I know what she wants here is either a slanging match or for me to say I'm not inviting my sister, and I'm not sure how to avoid the argument just spiralling further.

[Notwendy]

Hi and welcome.

It's an interesting situation- involving three people who want things their way-

You want to invite your sister but not her boyfriend.
Your sister got upset because she wants to attend with her boyfriend.
Your fiancee doesn't want either of them now.

I think the drama triangle model can help here. Three makes a potential triangle. Dysfunctional people tend to interact according to this model- and those of us in a relationship with them can also play a part. Many of us who are in relationships with pwBPD also have family members who interact according to this triangle model.

Triangle 1: You, sister, boyfriend.

You " boyfriend not invited" = persecutor.  Boyfriend= victim. Sister= rescuer- acts out to include boyfriend.


Triangle 2: You, sister, fiancee

Sister- acts out = persecutor
Fiancee= takes on victim mode ( IMHO this is the preferred position for pwBPD- at least in my own experience)   -- expects you to rescue her by uninviting sister.

You- all your explaining feels like JADE to her now. You are not playing your part in this. By considering your sister- you feel like a co-persecutor. She feels abandoned.


I think it is important to consider the interactions between you in the larger picture. Is the pattern between you rescuer- victim ( her in victim mode?). Do you appease her to keep the peace? Doing so, ( if it compromises your wishes) may bring temporary peace, but this kind of pattern can be pervasive and repeat itself.

What to do? One option is to drop the drama- put off the decision until everyone has calmed down. The wedding isn't until May. At this point where the two of you are at now with planning- the guest list is being discussed, but isn't likely to be finalized until closer to the wedding. The basic size of the wedding is determined but your sister is one guest, and one extra guest ( or two if boyfriend is included)  can be decided later.

If the drama triangle applies here, chances are that this kind of situation (drama triangle) may continue to repeat itself in some way throughout your relationship. Family conflicts can happen in many families- someone gets irritated at someone else. If black and white thinking exists, then the family member ( or friend) can be painted black- or white, or it can change.

Your wish is for everyone to get along as best as possible for the wedding- and the future. I gree that uninviting your sister would result in some hurt feelings. There are some things to resolve.

If your sister is still dating her boyfriend by May, then this relationship may get serious- and the boyfriend may become a member of your family one day- this is something to consider inviting him for.

They could break up by May

Your fiancee is thinking in the heat of the moment, and may invite, then uninvite, and then invite people according to her feelings.

You have some choices: appease your fiancee by uninviting your sister, stand up for your boundaries ( what you wish to do)  and face the wrath of your fiancee. Every couple has disagreements, and a style of handling them. One thing to consider is that this isn't one isolated situation, but a pattern, and how you handle this is setting a pattern for how the two of you will handle disagreements in your marriage.

[SweetCharlotte]

I didn't handle the dysregulation of my uBPDh as we prepared for our wedding too well, and wound up cancelling it one week before. Then, we went through with a much smaller ceremony and reception with just a few guests each. After all, we already had the priest and the church booked!

So I understand what is happening. At the time, I didn't know what BPD was. As more people get on board and attract your attention, the pwBPD needs to get the focus back on him/her. As long as there is drama with your sister (as indicated aptly by notwendy above), your fiancée will try to outdo her for the Oscar.

I recommend inviting your sister's boyfriend. You cannot invite one without the other—it just isn't done. Back out of the position you inadvertently got into of being the drama creator (or persecutor, in the Karpman triangle). Try not to let the preparations or the personalities move you into this corner again. You want everyone to enjoy themselves at your wedding. Everyone should be as happy and as comfortable as possible while they witness you declaring your love and commitment to your partner. That's what it's all about.

If you tell your fiancée you made a mistake, and you need to invite your sister and her boyfriend (or whomever she is dating by that time), it will change the dynamic. You are no longer insisting that your sister come as a single, solely out of filial loyalty to you. You are not asking your sister to choose between her boyfriend and you. I'm sure that on some level your fiancée is uncomfortable with your making your sister choose; it may awaken jealousy in her that your focus is too much on controlling your sister.

Allowing your sister to bring her boyfriend is not a vote in favor of her marrying the guy. It merely shows your respect for your sister's autonomy. Don't be like Al Pacino in Scarface