I did what she wanted, she still destroyed me emotionally

[Hlinthewiking]

My exBPDgf and I are seeing each other again after a 3 month split. I broke NC on her birthday and we started to see each other again, she had acknowledged her condition for the first time and not only apologized, but said she would seek treatment.

That didn't last 24h after we saw each other, we haven't had a day of peace ever since. Yesterday night was the last struggle, I was talking about meeting her this Friday since I already told her I had an important family birthday on Saturday, she said she couldn't on Friday and said she had already said she wanted to see me on Saturday, she gave bs excuses of why she couldn't see me Friday, when she realized they weren't convincing, since they were all errands she could only do in the morning or things she needed to do for next week and could do any day, she simply said she wanted to be home on Friday, she already said this week that "I deserve to get cheated on", despite that we aren't officially back together, I just keep torturing myself thinking of her seeing other people and she vanished after last night.

After a while trying to figure out why we couldn't see each other Friday and it had to be on Saturday, I wondered if it was because Sunday is "our day", we met on a Jan 23, so it's our day of the month, I also told her we could see each other again on Sunday and really no kind of compromise worked, I thought about it a little bit and decided I could leave a bit early at the party Saturday and pick her up for dinner on the day she wanted, how she wanted. Even after that, she kept mad at me and said I ruined everything.

If I do what she wants I'm the worst, if I don't do what she wants I'm the worst, what was I supposed to do?

The last thing she said to me last night after I said goodnight to her in a loving way and said I loved her, was "Talking to anyone else is better then talking to you".

I don't know how to act, I don't want to pretend she's not abusing me like last time, but nothing seems to work anymore... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jrharvey]

I deserve to get cheated on

No my friend. This is abuse. You deserve better. Im not saying you should leave but I want you to know that you do not deserve to be cheated on. Nobody does.

[Hlinthewiking]

Thanks, really, I don't think I deserve it either, but what I think got me upset the most is that I believe that it was "BPD" for: "I cheated on you and I feel guilty, so it must be your fault or less I can't handle it".

[jrharvey]

Reading your post brings back so many terrible memories. Your going to kill yourself being with her like this. Id step away and let her know you have decided to step back and wont be involved anymore until she gets therapy. My relationship was much like yours and I ended up deciding I couldn't live that way. I told her I am seriously done unless she gets therapy. Then the day she was supposed to see the therapist for the first time she flipped out on me over nothing and declared she would not go to the therapist anymore to punish me. I said ok and also I was done with the relationship and started to pack her stuff and told her to leave. She decided to start seeing the therapist that day and has been since.

This was not a threat. This was a very real decision by me to seriously end the relationship if she did not get help.

[Grey Kitty]

I think you know that she has the ability to to make sure you "lose" no matter what you do, right? As in if she wants to verbally/emotionally abuse you, she can invent an excuse to do so, and go there.

Letting her pull you away from your family birthday on Saturday would alienate your family or help isolate you from them... .and she's been in an awful state for a while now, so you can bet it won't be "good" time with her if you do.

My suggestion is to steer clear of her when she is abusing you like this, to protect yourself.

There is no denying that the rejection hurts, and so does the threat to "cheat" on you.  It is just tough, man.

[Kelli Cornett]

You know the drill, you just can't win, heads she wins tails you lose, there is never a right thing to say or do. It's all part of being in a relationship with a PD partner, and it will never change without her getting specific therapy to help her deal with her disorder.

If she's not going to get help and you're determined to stick it out, the only thing you can do is enforce boundaries when she get verbally/emotionally abusive. Anyone who's been involved with a PD partner for any length of time knows in their heart that there's no amount of reasoning, logic, or facts that you can lay out for them that will make them magically change and see things clearly.

[Sadly]

Hello you
We met on the detaching boards. My advice for what it's worth is go to your family thing, don't leave early, enjoy the love you will get there. You know she is being manipulative and cruel, put your barriers up, try and let the nastiness bounce off you. Why keep trying to cross oceans for someone who isn't willing to step over a puddle for you? Be surrounded by your family for a while, let them soothe you with the knowledge you are with people who want you with them and let her stew in her own lonely nasty juice for a while.
Love from Sadly