Court ordered mediation this week? What should I expect... has it worked for u?

[ForeverDad]

I had a magistrate who never reacted to anything.  Literally.  I had a poor 'temp' order and he never even tried to correct or modify it during the 2 year divorce process.  However, a couple yeas later when we were assigned him again, I did see a reaction.

... .over time the matter of her credibility ought to rise to the surface as well as whether she's fighting for the sake of fighting rather than for your children's welfare.

My joint custody attempt in the final decree settlement (as alluded to in the custody evaluation report) failed quickly and so I went back to court the next year.  Strangely, there was one item that the court remarked on, that she was "not credible" in one part of her testimony where she explained that she sabotaged my mid-winter vacation by claiming for the first time to want son with her for her holiday time during Kwanzaa.  It was on a long list of holidays which we had failed to strike out the ones not observed.  To the court she explained that though she wasn't of Jewish descent, she could still observe it.  My lawyer jumped on it, asking her to describe this "Jewish Kwanzaa" and her lawyer couldn't object, well, not until my lawyer asked her for the third time.  Literally, there were times I saw the magistrate drop his head onto his crossed arms!  The decision did get me full custody but even that was remarkably circumspect, it wasn't until a few years later when I got a better order that the last magistrate came right out and repeatedly called her out on her 'disparagement of father'.

Many here have encouraged that we focus our attention on Solutions and not bickering and complaints.  Hopefully the court will see you as the reasonably normal and stable parent with practical solutions and not as part of the problem.

[david]

I asked, in our custody eval, for every Monday, Thursday, and EOW. That is not the "normal"way things are done in my county. The evaluator challenged me on it. My reply was that Monday was the day for me to set the tone for the school week. Thursday allowed me to wrap everything up for the week. EOW was for both of us so it wasn't a stretch for that. He agreed with my thing on Monday and Thursday. It was a 15 to 20 minute conversation. I had examples of things I already was doing. In addition both boys did over 90% of all their school work when they were with me at the time anyway. I believe that pretty much sealed it for me. The judge questioned the schedule too and I basically gave the same answers.
If you look at that schedule it goes 5 (dad)(thurs,fri,sat,sun,mon)/2 (mom)(tues,wed)/1(dad) (thurs)/3 (mom)(fri,sat,sun)/1 (dad)(mon)/ 2 (mom)(tues,wed)/ 5 (dad-repeat the cycle)(thurs,fri,sat,sun,mon) so it goes 5/2/1/3/1/2 and repeats. Since that schedule both boys grades went up significantly. They went from A's,B's,C's, and D's to A's and B's only.
This year our youngest started middle school and because of holiday schedule and other things I missed them on the 5 day schedule. That lastest the first four weeks of the school year. Our youngest went back to his old habits and fell behind. He just caught up this weekend and things should flow smoothly now. I have it all documented just in case.
Focusing on solutions and not trying to prove you claims or disprove ex's false claims works best. When my ex made a false claim I would simply state it was not true. If I was challenged by opposing counsel I either had evidence to back my statements or didn't. I had enough evidence to back up the majority of my statements that the ones I didn't have evidence for , I believe, became credible. Ex had no or very scanty evidence to support her claims. It's additive in a court setting.

[Sluggo]

Arbitration just came up as an option?  thoughts?

The rules are set up as either both have lawyer or neither have lawyer.  My stbex council may quit her case.  If that is the case then I may have to release my council. 

thoughts: 
My fear is that I will allow myself to get walked over again with me sticking up for myself?
It is only suppose custody now. 
We can get in a lot quicker
it would be cheaper. 

But does it make sense?  Anyone have thoughts on it. 

Mike
 

[ForeverDad]

I would expect her to go in asking unreasonably for full custody, move away and limit you at best to various school breaks for holidays and part of summer.  She will march in posturing as victim and distressed Protector and Mother and be stupendously convincing even with all the documentation against her.

I would expect you to go in asking reasonably to continue joint custody but with Decision Making or Tie Breaker status, see that you two clearly can't agree on major issues, at least for now.  (DM, TB or some variation used locally is a way to reduce obstruction since waiting for a court to decide can take many months - in my court it was 17-18 months after all the continuances, etc.)

She can claim the older boy isn't yours despite being raised by you (where is the bio father? chased away?) and she wants the boys together with her.  You can claim documentation of majority time and primary parenting for years and that she is only making her wild claims for her new relationship guy, public face (mask of seeming normalcy) and to move away.

It may not carry much weight in court, but one trait of BPD is that (1) the new relationship is idolized and set on a pedestal while (2) all ended relationships (you and the prior dad) are demonized abusers and controllers.

Unless you have a very perceptive arbitrator, the outcome could be defaulted to emotionally convincing Mother and indoctrinated children rather than reasonable Father with documentation of solid majority parenting.  After all, where there's smoke (allegations and tears) there must be fire (bad Dad) somewhere.  Arbitrators and judges don't often get in serious trouble by defaulting/siding with mothers.

We don't have many here using arbitrators so I really am not an authority in this.  I do worry that you may not be able to bring in professionals to give an in depth overview support your efforts to the arbitrator.  For example, if you have had a Custody Evaluator, would the detailed research and recommendations in the CE report be referenced?  I also worry the arbitrator may be more likely to create his own version of middle ground defaulting toward unspoken/unwritten preference toward mother.

[david]

I think that would depend on who and how good is the arbitrator. If the arbitrator makes a poor decision what are the legal ramifications. Usually you can't go to court to try to change it after arbitration. May be a time limit ? If there is how long ?
Usually if a court makes a ruling you have to wait a certain length of time, approx one or two years depending on the county, before you can petition for a modification. You also would need a reason to modify custody. I don't know how arbitration handles those aspects.
If you don't think you can prevent yourself from being walked over again then it might not be a good idea.
I went through several custody evaluations. The first one my ex accused me of being homosexual. That was the first thing out of her mouth. I didn't see how even if it were true it would change anything. The evaluator had a much different take and actually included it in her report. In our county we have a modified custody eval to minimize costs. One of the things in this style of eval is that whatever is written in the eval can not be questioned in court and it is required to be used in court. My access was restricted because of that ? It would have costs lots and lots of money to fight that. Our second eval made a vague recommendation that even the court couldn't understand. Our third was recommended by my attorney and ex's attorney agreed he was excellent. He was. Ex tried her intimidation tactics on him and they backfired. She actually had a rage in his office.

[livednlearned]

I agree. Find out everything you can about the arbitrator, and the implications of arbitration.

With BPD behaviors, and with our own tendencies to self-sabotage and avoid conflict, consider the firmest path. Other criteria should fall into place second, third, and so forth, imo.

[ForeverDad]

Arbitration just came up as an option?  thoughts?
We can get in a lot quicker
it would be cheaper.

It's quicker and cheaper because some of the groundwork and research isn't done or used.  That leaves less documentation and fewer professionals available to present a solid case.  There are no guarantees with any approach, but unless I'm mistaken I think arbitration is much harder to appeal or fix, being sort of "I agree to abide by the arbitrator's decisions."

[david]

My first two custody evals went through our streamlined court eval system. You could not dispute the findings in any way and had to accept the decision by the evaluator. Our third was done outside of that system. It cost more but if I went that direction the first time it would have been much less money because the first two were less expensive individually but added up to more than the third one. The first two required you signing a paper agreeing to abide by the decision. The third did not.  I was told by a grassroots organization near me that I was signing away certain rights, which I was, but didn't realize the implications. My first attorney said it was fine. I finally found another attorney and he explained it the same way the grassroots organization explained it.